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Jessica Jones Quotes

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Jeri: I also received a call from Spheeris' attorney. Spheeris claims you, and I quote, "lifted his car overhead and threatened him with your laser eyes."
Jessica: Pathetic.
Jeri: Did you threaten him?
Jessica: Yup, with my laser eyes. And he believed that bullshit. I could have said my hands were blenders. Clearly, there's no IQ test for owning a strip club.

Gina: My marriage is over. We don't even do oral anymore.

Jessica: You know why I live alone?
Neighbor: People don't like you?

Jessica: Excuse me?
Nurse: Sorry, I got a fecal situation in 602.
Jessica: This is my first day. I can't mess it up. Dr. Carter already hates me.
Nurse: Dr. Carter?
Jessica: He's the new Head of Oncology. Please.
Nurse: Well, just... Ugh, make it quick.
Jessica: It's this computer system. It's nothing like my old hospital.
Nurse: Where are you from?
Jessica: Seattle Grace.
Nurse: Like on TV?

Jessica: Omigawd, you're relentless.
Trish: Well, I take that as a compliment.
Jessica: Then you heard it wrong.
Trish: Okay, try this. "Thanks, Trish, for fixing my door. It was very thoughtful of you, given there's a maniac on the loose."

Jessica: Yoga's not exercising. It's stretching.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Jessica: So just how unbreakable are you?
Luke: On a scale from "I don't know" to "I'd rather not find out."

Luke: So what else can you do? Can you punch through a wall? Can you stop a moving car?
Jessica: A slow moving car.
Luke: Can you fly?
Jessica: It's more like jumping and then falling.

Jessica: Do you know any drug dealers?
Luke: I own a bar in Hell's Kitchen. What do you think?

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Manager: What do you want?
Jessica: The same thing as you.
Manager: For you to quit?
Jessica: Actually it's better if you fire me and give me six months' severance pay and a glowing recommendation..

Jessica: I need to update my resume. Would you put day drinking under experience or special skills?

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Simpson: I can help.
Jessica: Thanks, but I don't need you.
Simpson: Uh, yeah, you do.
Trish: No, she doesn't. [to Jessica] But seriously, he could be useful.

Jessica: This is a safe house? It looks like a '70s furniture outlet.

Simpson: I borrowed it from a buddy. No rental record. Nondescript. False plates.
Trish: Your basic pedophile's kidnapping van.

Trish: Fine, be the naked superhero. That can be your alias.
Jessica: Well, it's better than the name you came up with.
Trish: Jewel is a great superhero name.
Jessica: Jewel is a stripper's name, a really slutty stripper. And if I wear that thing, you're gonna have to call me Cameltoe.

Simpson: If anyone walks up, just pretend to be on the phone. Do not engage.
Jessica: She's a celebrity She's used to dealing with weirdos. [looks at Simpson] Usually.
Simpson: Yeah, well, she's dealt with you all these years, so...
Trish: Okay, let's go back to tense silence, I think.

Jessica: If Kilgrave gets me-
Simpson: I'll take you out.
Jessica: I was gonna say, "Dart gun me." But sure, shoot me in the head.

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Jessica: Jazzercise?
Malcolm: Running actually helps with sobriety.
Jessica: Sobriety blows.

Robin: [Jessica]'s a sexual predator! [Ruben]'s just a boy!
Malcolm: In his 20s.

Trish: Just let us handle it until-
Jessica: Until what? Until I come home and find my landlady choked out in my bathtub? Or I find you bludgeoned to death with my vacuum cleaner?
Trish: We both know you don't own a vacuum cleaner.

Kilgrave: I'm new to love but I know what it looks like. I do watch television.

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Jessica: I will not stay in a house with slaves.
Kilgrave: Oh, now you're just being sanctimonious. Tell Jessica whether or not you are happy with your salary.
Laurent: Absolutely. I make twice as much as my last job, from which I was fired due to a drinking problem.
Kilgrave: See? Some of us give people a second chance.

Kilgrave: How do you people live like this? Day after day, just hoping people are gonna do what you want. It's unbearable.

Jessica: I'll be having a liquid dinner. Another bottle, please.
Kilgrave: You ever think you might drink too much?
Jessica: It's the only way I get through my goddamn days after what you did to me.
Kilgrave: You blame me for your drinking problem?
Jessica: It's the truth.
Kilgrave: Come on, it wasn't all bad. I mean, certainly it ended roughly.
Jessica: You call making me murder a woman "ending roughly"?

Kilgrave: You knew [the bomb] was here?
Jessica: Lucky guess.
Kilgrave: Well, my lucky guess is that it was Trish's missing Officer Simpson. He would have killed sweet little Alva and Laurent, too.
Jessica: You've killed more people as an afterthought.
Kilgrave: I've never killed anyone.
Jessica: You use your powers to compel murder.
Kilgrave: Oh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

Jessica: I just can't handle another death on my conscience. Even if it's yours. You'd know the feeling if you had a conscience.
Kilgrave: I have a conscience. It's... just more selective. I care if you die. The rest are fungible.

Wendy: I built everything around you. And now you're not there. You have Pam, and I have nothing.
Jeri: I'm sorry.
Wendy: Well, I'm going to have to ask you to say that with cash.

Police officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Kilgrave: We can go about our business. Move along.
Police officer: Move along.
Jessica: Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Kilgrave: But cooler.

Jessica: You can't kill him.
Kilgrave: No, but he can kill himself. The man's clearly insane. He is never gonna be a productive member of society.
Jessica: That is not for you to decide.
Kilgrave: He will go to prison and feed off the tit of the taxpayers.
Jessica: You've never paid a goddamn tax in your life.
Kilgrave: Fair enough. All right.

Edited by The Crazed Spruce · Reason: Removed link to quote site
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Client: There are lizards wearing human skins and taking over the government. You have to stop the dinosaur people. They already got Jay-Z.

Malcolm: I say we find the adopted son.
Jessica: Nope.
Malcolm: We can afford to take a pro bono case.
Jessica: That will just attract more sob stories and nut jobs.
Malcolm: Meaning people in pain who actually need our help.
Jessica: Let it get personal and the whole case goes to shit. A good PI needs objectivity. Take the case. Take the clues. Take the cash.  What are you doing? 
Malcolm: I'm writing that down. It was pithy.
Jessica: That wasn't a lesson.
Malcolm: Of course, cause why would you help me get better at my job?
Jessica: It's MY job.
Malcolm: So fire me for trying to build something with you.
Jessica: I keep trying to fire you, but you keep not being fired.

Malcolm: Risk management? 
Jessica: It's a more pretentious name for a PI.

Pryce: You might want to hear the offer before you piss on it.
Jessica: You don't want me. You just want to eliminate the competition.
Pryce: I never take no for an answer. 
Jessica: How rapey of you.
Pryce: I can't have you siphon off my clientele. 
Jessica: I don't want your idiot clients. I don't want most of my own.

Jessica: I have a new pro bono case.
Malcolm: Who's the client?
Jessica: Me.

Jeri: "Pretty good for a girl." I heard that a lot as a kid. Then I became a successful female attorney. Read: pretty good for a girl. But today, I see a sisterhood of founding partners. I see excellent lawyers who are stronger because we wouldn't stand for being pretty good. I see mentors raising the next generation of women, who, one day, will stand with us on a day like this, and see what we see: women in power.

Trish: I'm working on something new.
Ian: Medical experiment, shadow corp?
Trish: You can say IGH, Ian. They're not Voldemort. 
Ian: But they're all fiction.

Jessica: What is this? Crap on Jessica Day?
Trish: That's next month.

Trish: Jess, you're not a killer.
Jessica: I've killed. Ergo, I'm a killer. I don't even know what ergo means, but it sounded right.

Jessica: Why are you dressed like that?
Trish: Uh, we were on our way to a charity event when you called. 
Jessica: Shit. Sorry.
Griffin: Hey, don't be. There's just a bunch of illiterate kids waiting on us. What? Jess likes my black humor.

Assistant: I tried to reschedule. Your doctor won't move the appointment.
Jeri: Well, did you remind her that she owed me a favor?
Assistant: I emailed her assistant.
Jeri: Okay. Pick up an actual phone, remind her, and reschedule.

Jessica: I thought the Whizzer was just a wacko. I mean, who has a pet mongoose?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Bartender: You drinking to remember or forget?

Douchebro: Wait, I'm so close.
Jessica: That makes one of us.

Trish: Sorry, I just I'm a little on edge. My mother does that to me.
Griffin: Your mother's a riot. And by riot, I mean soul-crushing python.

Dorothy: Sit.
Griffin: I actually just came by to say hi and make out with your daughter.
Dorothy: Well, that's not fair. What about me? 
Griffin: You know, I've seen that French film and I think we're gonna keep it A and B.

Dorothy: Careful, my darling. Your desperation is showing. 
Trish: I'm not desperate. 
Dorothy: Well, you should be.

Jessica: I said I wouldn't hit a guy in a wheelchair, but you're not in a wheelchair now.

Costa: Victim's name was Robert Coleman. Ever heard of him?
Jessica: He came to me. He wanted to hire me, but I was booked.
Costa: How shitty must you feel? Guy comes to you for help and winds up dead around the corner from you.
Jessica: I had nothing to do with it. Or him.
Sunday: Did you know he filed a police report claiming that someone was trying to kill him?
Jessica: How shitty must you feel?

Whizzer: You're always saying how powers are good, but you were wrong. With great power comes great mental illness.

Jeri: Do you believe in karma?
Sheena: You mean, like, bad shit happening to bad people?
Jeri: Mmm hmm.
Sheena: Nah I know too many bad people doing just fine.

Trish: If anyone asks, you're a PA. Production assistant. Just like what you do for Jessica, except on a movie set. 
Malcolm: You mean, getting yelled at and ignored?

Jessica: What did I ever do to you besides move your ugly fridge?

Jessica: Who was this guy talking to? Alien conspiracy sites, comic book fan clubs, Friends of Mongooses International, Trish?

Griffin: Now [Trish]'s in trouble. 
Jessica: Why do you think that? 
Griffin: My balls are tingling.
Jessica: There's medication for that.
Griffin: In my line of work, you learn to trust your instincts.
Jessica: Griffin, why don't you go home? She might be there.
Griffin: Don't manage me, okay? I know she's in trouble. 
Jessica: Because of your scroty sense?

Jessica: Tell me what you're up to, you toxic waste of space.
Dorothy: Living in the present, hon. You should try it sometime.

Jessica: What did she want from you?
Dorothy: Maximilian Tatum's contact information.
Jessica: How could you let her get anywhere near that pervert?
Dorothy: "Let her"? Please. But I trust him with her more than I trust you.

Simpson: It takes a monster to stop a monster.

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Trish: We're the only ones who even know Simpson's gone. He didn't have any family. 
Jessica: Well, IGH does have a type.

Jessica: Can I have another pillow?
Trish: You have seven pillows.

Dr. Tiboldt: As you exhale, I want you to imagine a safe place. Somewhere peaceful, calming. In your safe place, there is a door. Picture that door. Move toward it. Now, open that door. Open it and move toward your memories.
Jessica: I don't have a safe place. 
Tiboldt: Patients often choose a stretch of beach.
Jessica: Yeah, no. 
Tiboldt: Or their childhood home.
Jessica: Uh-uh. 
Tiboldt: All right. Where do you go to relax?
Jessica: Rudy's. 9th and 45th. Solid pours and they got free hot dogs.

Jeri: This is about Pam's lawsuit. Isn't it? I made it go away. What more do you want?
Linda: A little morality. 
Jeri: Oh, please. 
Benowitz: Let's keep this professional, okay?
Jeri: My name is coming off that door over my dead body. And that is not gonna happen soon, no matter how hard you wish for it.

Malcolm: We are so screwed.
Jessica: I'm evicted? Says who?
Malcolm: The super. Did you know it's illegal to run a commercial business out of a residential-zone property?
Jessica: Of course I did.

Malcolm: What are you gonna do? 
Jessica: I'm gonna handle it.
Malcolm: He'll never come around if you throw a fist in his face.
Jessica: That has not been my experience.
Malcolm: Time to update the resume.

Jessica: What is this shit?
Vido: Whoa! Pa, she said "shit"!
Oscar: Watch your mouth around my kid.
Jessica: Oh, like his bigoted father is some shining role model?
Oscar: You're breaking the law.
Jessica: You were all smiles, checking out the neighbor until you saw that I was different. That's called prejudice.
Oscar: You're not a protected class.

Franklin: You're gonna need people. No one goes through something like this alone.
Jeri: Well, allow me to be the first to try.

Trish: I love [Griffin], you know. Probably means he has a pornography addiction or a secret family in Iowa.
Jessica: Iowa?
Trish: Yeah, secret families are always stashed in flyover states.

Malcolm: Now, I've heard that you're a very reasonable man.
Eugene: Who said I was reasonable?
Malcolm: You have a stellar reputation, sir, in the building.
Eugene: Ms. Jones didn't say I was reasonable. She said I was an "entitled prick of a slumlord." That's a quote.

Malcolm: Next time you plan to objectify me, at least tell me first.
Jessica: That's not really how objectification works.

Oscar: You're one phone call away from jail.
Jessica: I'm not the one on parole.
Oscar: You looked into me?
Jessica: Alias Investigations. It says it right there on the door to my illegal business.

Jessica: I didn't know you were on parole when I brought the cops here. All right? I'm not an asshole.
Oscar: No? What kind of person takes advantage of a little kid's fantasies to get inside someone's apartment?
Jessica: I figured he'd be asleep.
Oscar: That's your excuse?

Griffin: Is okra a euphemism for sex?

Jeri: Never been to your place of business.
Jessica: Bucket list complete.
Jeri: I was hoping you'd see this, my trek across town, the ride in that urinal of an elevator, as an olive branch.

Trish: I am gonna go and meet the person who says she's Dr. Hansen. 
Jessica: No, you're not.
Trish: I don't need your permission.
Jessica: You saw what happened to Simpson.
Trish: This is our case.
Jessica: Then we should have discussed whether or not you go on the air and say, "Hey, IGH, I'm over here. Kill me."

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Malcolm: So how was anger management?
Jessica: Still angry.

Trish: Don't be mad at Malcolm.
Jessica: I'm always mad at Malcolm.

Jessica: I'm busy.
Vido: With superhero stuff? Are you fighting crime? Can you teach me superpowers? I'm strong. Can you push a building over? Are you bulletproof? How'd you get your superpowers? Are you an alien? Can you fly?

Griffin: That was insanity.
Trish: Well, it comes with the Patsy package. 
Griffin: Comes with the Jessica package. 
Trish: That is a combo package.

Jeri: Let it go. There's enough work for both of you.
Pryce: I'm not gonna compete with a freak show.
Jeri: Oh, gawd. You got beat by a girl. Deal with it.

Jeri: I'm asking if you have anything on Chao and Benowitz.
Jessica: I have life and death issues I'm dealing with over here.
Jeri: So do I.
Jessica: Well, I was looking over their expense accounts.
Jeri: You'll have to dig deep because my partners do not make stupid mistakes.
Jessica: I mean, Chao did charge a safari on company dime.
Jeri: Client gift.
Jessica: Benowitz has $400 on sushi. $2,000 on Broadway tickets.
Jeri: Mmm-hmm. Other client gifts.
Jessica: Jesus. He even spent 700 bucks on chocolate bars. Dude, where were my gifts when I was a client?
Jeri: You were pro bono. My time was your gift, which I don't have anymore.

Trish: I've had such shitty taste in men.
Griffin: Thank you?

Trish: Are you looking for reassurance?
Griffin: Never underestimate the neediness of the male ego.

Trish: My last five shrinks would say it's about needing the love of my mother. I could give a dissertation on narcissism at this point.

Oscar: Okay, so, for the record I don't have a problem with people like you. It was just you.
Jessica: Okay. Thanks.

Jessica: Your ex is a piece of work.
Oscar: We grew up together, you know? She used to be cool.
Jessica: Nasty doesn't just come out of nowhere.

Oscar: So how is it you are who you are? Hmm? Super?
Jessica: We prefer gifted.
Oscar: Really?
Jessica: I really couldn't possibly give less of a shit. But that's always the question. "What are you?" "How did you end up like this?" And, "Are you gonna kill me?"
Oscar: People actually ask you that?
Jessica: It comes up.

Jeri: There is a killer inside of me, and I will not give it control.

Pryce: I'll crack open the Macallan when you get here, bud.
Nick: The 18 or the 25? I got standards.
Pryce: Yeah? Since when?
Nick: I buy nice stuff. I just don't share it with you.
Pryce: The last scotch you bought came in a plastic container.

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Jeri: [The police] believe you know things you're not telling them.
Jessica: Yeah, it's called professional discretion.
Jeri: They will call it obstruction of justice. It's a probation violation.

Jessica: I'm not mad at you.
Malcolm: Have they got you on sedatives?
Jessica: No, I'm just trying something new. Apparently, I'm alienating.

Jeri: Your paranoia is exhausting.

Pryce: You're a killer.
Jessica: Not today, I'm not. Today I'm free. Do you know why? No, cause you're a shitty investigator. So go talk to the cops, go steal someone else's cases. You know what? Go beat off in the corner, because I don't give a dead moose's last shit. I'm gonna find the actual killer.

Jessica: You get Inez to Jeri Hogarth at this address. Tell her you're my associate.
Malcolm: Wait, did you just promote me?
Jessica: Maybe. 
Malcolm: Does it come with a raise? 
Jessica: No. Get going.
Malcolm: Whatever you say, associate.
Jessica: I'm instantly regretting this.

Malcolm: Look, I am not the person that you need to be running from right now. I'm just trying to get you someplace safe.
Inez: Yeah, that last place was real safe - except for the homicide out front.

Oscar :I don't think the woman that saved Vido's life is capable of murder. I still owe you for that.
Jessica: About that. I may need to collect.
Oscar :How about dinner?
Jessica: Like a date?
Oscar: Or just dinner? Or do you have something else in mind? 
Jessica: Let's say, hypothetically, I needed to get into a secure psych ward. 
Oscar: You want me to commit you? 
Jessica: As a therapist.

Griffin: What do you say, Trish Walker? I'm asking you to marry me. 
Trish: Thank you.
Griffin: "Thank you" means yes, right?

Jeri: You work for Jessica.
Malcolm: I'm her associate, Malcolm Ducasse.
Jeri: I didn't realize that Jessica had associates.
Malcolm: Well, I just got promoted. This is Inez.
Jeri: Please come in.
Inez: Hell of an upgrade from the last armpit I was staying in.
Malcolm: Just keep an eye on your TV. You take care of yourself, Inez.
Inez: You're the worst kind of person. You pretend to care but you're not about helping anybody except yourself.
Jeri: Sounds like Jessica's people skills are rubbing off on you. That's a good thing. I don't pay her to be popular.

Jessica: I gotta work. 
Oscar: What work? It's late.
Jessica: I think and I drink. It's a whole process.
Oscar: Well, let me get you started.
Jessica: Spañada?
Oscar: It's like sangria. Mama's favorite. Gets better after the third glass.
Jessica: It's actually the first thing I got drunk on. My parents used to keep it around the house.
Oscar: My first was rum. Killed mojitos for me.

Jessica: Fun fact - when an octopus is attacked, it ditches its wounded arm and just swims away. It's better to let things go before they drag you under.

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Jessica: Love isn't for the weak-hearted. It's for idiots. And murderers apparently. A wedding ring? So the creep and the maniac have found happiness together. Guess there's someone for everyone.

Jessica: There's a saying in my business: "Where there's an ex, there's always a why."

Oscar: Why are you really here, Jessica?
Jessica: I was too lazy to walk to the liquor store.

Malcolm: Morning. 
Jessica: What is that supposed to mean? 
Malcolm: I just said good morning. It doesn't take a PI or even a PI's associate to recognize a walk of shame. You left your phone here last night, you've got serious bedhead going on, and you're covered in paint. Banging the super, huh?
Jessica: How about you use some of those skills I've taught you to do something useful?
Malcolm: How about this? You thought that this ring was a wedding band, didn't you? It's not. It's a university class ring. I recognized it.
Jessica: From the university you got kicked out of.
Malcolm: They put me on academic probation so technically, I dropped out.

Jeri: Glad to see you're enjoying my gold-leaf truffles from Switzerland.
Inez: Ah, that's why they taste like rusty nails.
Jeri: Says the homeless woman who asked for a $100 T-shirt with holes in it.
Inez: It's distressed.

Jessica: If you want to yell or hug it out, I'm here.
Trish: Can we just focus on something else for a couple hours?
Jessica: Fine by me. I can repress feelings all day.

Jessica: Look, fish were hurt. People were terrorized.

Jessica: Dude has to drug her to get her into the car? Where's the romance?

Trish: You don't think he's controlling her, do you?
Jessica: A powered woman used as a weapon? Déjà vu sucks ass.

Jeri: I am done babysitting your homeless woman. She is filthy. She's a slob. She's manipulative.
Jessica: You're calling someone manipulative?

Trish: That looks more like a cast member from Hair than a scientist. Are you sure that's him?

Trish: You know, Malcolm, you're doing a really good job. The private investigator thing suits you.
Malcolm: Thanks. I'm still learning, but-
Trish: I'm sure Jessica would tell you she appreciates you if she wasn't, you know, Jessica.

Trish: Encouraging people increases productivity, and it strengthens loyalty. You might want to try it some time before he quits on you.

Trish: How did you know he was going to be at the club?
Jessica: It's Sunday. What else do rich assholes with private golf club memberships do? Let's go hit some balls.

Ambrose: I'm taking a mulligan on that putt by the way.
Jessica: I don't care what that means.

Ambrose: Spray tanning and open-toed shoes - they've killed the hosiery market.

Jessica: The line keeps moving and I keep stepping over it How far is too far? And will there ever be a way back?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Trish: You know, you could pretend at least. To like the video?
Jessica: Hearing it at 200 decibels doesn't improve the song.
Trish: That's so mean.
Jessica: I just I've just heard it too many times.
Trish: Well, if you don't have any nice words I mean, anything nice to say, just you know, lie.
Jessica: It got the It's Patsy theme song out of my head, so there's that.

Kourtney: You having fun?
Jessica: I'm having bourbon.

Guy: Champagne?
Jessica: I don't do bubbly.
Guy: That chick's bitter. I'm into it.

Jessica: Look, there are a thousand bars where you can get a highball.
Dorothy: I am here to support my client.
Jessica: You haven't been Trish's agent in years.
Dorothy: I'm talking about Kourtney, her backup dancer. Voice like an angel.
Jessica: After auto-tuning, of course.

Jessica: Is snake charmer on your resume?
Stirling: I can handle a little venom. You should see some of the assholes who come in here.
Jessica: Fair warning, I'm one of those assholes.

Karl: You still have too many side effects from the procedures
Alisa: Experiments. Let's call a spade a spade.

Stirling: You do have a middle name, right?
Jessica: It's private.
Stirling: What happens if you were kidnapped? How would I alert the media if I don't know your middle name?
Jessica: I will alert the media when I hang the kidnappers by their nut sacks.

Jessica: We don't need [Trish]. We can get money whenever we want. We can have anything. A club, a car, a pony.
Stirling: You want to steal me a pony? 
Jessica: Yeah, with an annoyingly cute name.

Stirling: How is two orders of orange chicken a snack?
Jessica: Because anything after midnight is considered a snack.

Jessica: The cops arrested those guys that were harassing him. They saw them leave the bar with him.
Trish: Would've felt better to kick their asses yourself.
Jessica: I did kick their asses. Maybe that's why they did this to him.
Trish: Jess, they did this because they're murderers.

Jessica: I've been calling you for 24 hours. Where were you? 
Trish: I was rehearsing for my tour. 
Jessica: You were high.
Trish: They're not mutually exclusive.

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Jessica: I guess gene editing didn't improve your taste in booze.
Alisa: Oh, yeah. The first time we left you alone to babysit Phillip, you drank half a bottle. Came home to find you hugging the toilet.
Jessica: Because it tastes like compost and air freshener.

Jessica: You have no clue who I am or what I've been through. I just look like someone you used to know.

Alisa: Remember when he got suspended? Your father wanted to put him on ADD meds.
Jessica: Phillip had ADD?
Alisa: Every kid with a pulse has ADD according to the pharmaceutical companies. Karl always gets worked up about that. The overmedication of children.
Jessica: Yeah, why medicate kids when you can alter their entire genetic code?
Alisa: Don't.
Jessica: Karl experiments on people who can't give consent.

Alisa: You locked yourself in your room all day, playing depressing rock.
Jessica: Nirvana isn't depressing.
Alisa: Oh, really? Didn't that guy commit suicide?

Jessica: Well, there were parts of it that seemed pretty perfect to me. Christmases. Thanksgiving. That weird marshmallow thing you made with yams.
Alisa: Yeah. Not even I can ruin what is essentially a vat of marshmallows, butter, and sugar.

Alisa: Teenagers are self-absorbed little assholes.

Alisa: He's texting and driving.
Jessica: That's what people do.
Alisa: No, what they do is maim and kill people when they get into accidents. You know better, I hope.
Jessica: I don't drive period so it's not really a problem.

Taxi driver: Don't get your panties in a bunch.
Alisa: Our panties? Grown goddamn women don't wear panties. We wear underwear!

Alisa: You really rejected your suburban roots, huh?
Jessica: I never really took to words like davenport or duvet.

Jessica: There's no manual that tells you what to do when your mother who's been dead for seventeen years comes back and is a mass murderer. I'm kinda winging it.

Alisa: I like the painting. Is that not okay with you? He seemed nice.
Jessica: He is a convicted criminal.
Alisa: No wonder I like him.

Alisa: Calm down, Jessica.
Jessica: Oh, great! The rage monster is telling me to calm down!

Jessica: Why would you waste perfectly good whiskey like that?
Alisa: You don't like hot toddies either? Maybe you're not my daughter.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Alisa: I can finish this.
Jessica: You want to kill [Pryce].
Alisa: No, I don't want to. But I should.

Alisa: Kidnapping. All you, by the way. We're both in this now.
Jessica: No, we're in some shit, but I'm not in anything with you.
Alisa: I just don't want my kid to go to prison.
Jessica: Well, I don't want my mother to murder anyone else.

Alisa: Karl usually does [my chains at night] for me.
Jessica: How romantic.

Jeri: Have you ever been to Tokyo?
Inez: Between nursing school and being homeless? Haven't really had the chance.

Jessica: That thing about having your cake and eating it, too? Whoever said that probably didn't have cake that killed people.

Jessica: Are you high?
Trish: Are you drunk?
Jessica: I'm always drunk. But I'm not blind, and I know you.

Inez: I thought people who only wear black do that so they don't have to decide what to wear.
Jeri: I like to have choices.
Inez: Have you ever worn yellow? 
Jeri: Not in very, very a long time.
Inez: To prom? Please say to prom. 
Jeri: To a funeral, when I was eight.

Alisa: This is a sad excuse for breakfast spaghetti, but it's edible.
Jessica: Is this butter and jam?
Alisa: What? You used to love this. Just eat your spaghetti.

Shane: I need you to stop at a Chik-Fil-A.
Jeri: A what?

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Jessica: You single handedly almost took down IGH with a Patsy wig and a cell phone. How much more of a badass do you need to be?
Trish: You know the answer to that.

Malcolm: There's a hole in your soul, just like there's a hole in mine, so let's not use each other to fill it.
Trish: We're still friends, right?
Malcolm: I don't think so.

Jessica: How come you never told me any of this?
Inez: I didn't trust you. Turns out I was right.

Alisa: We went on our first beach vacation when you were 12. Do you remember? It was so nice to get away from my life for a while. Remember where we stayed?
Jessica: Yeah, that weird hotel where all the rooms had love themes.
Alisa: Mmm, the theme was prostitution.
Jessica: It was a hooker hotel?
Alisa: It was cheap. It was two minutes from the water. You loved it. You always were a romantic.

Karl: I married her. Here. In this room.
Jessica: She was legally dead, so I'm guessing that wasn't official.

Alisa: Is that your real hair color, or is it from a bottle? 
Trish: Both.

Jessica: I get back to my life.
Oscar: What does that look like?
Jessica: Drinking. Sleeping. Taking pictures of people cheating. It's all very glamorous.

Jeri: I didn't expect a happy dance, but a little gratitude would be nice.

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Kilgrave: Mummy's going to go insane. Well, more insane.

Kilgrave: Never trust a junkie, especially a self-righteous one.

Kilgrave: You murdered Dale.
Jessica: It was self-defense, dickwad.
Kilgrave: Don't deny it. Own it. He was a twisted, sadistic shithead who deserved it.
Jessica: Like you?
Kilgrave: Yes! Just like me! Murdering me was as poetic as justice ever gets! You got your mother locked up so you were the reason that she was being tortured by Dale. You solved that problem. You helped your mummy. It's what you do, isn't it? You help people.

Kilgrave: We should sign you up [for a dating website]. You can be JJ. Five-foot-nine, athletic. Enjoys leather in all seasons, justifiable homicide, and long walks on the beach to dump the body.
Jessica: And you could be KK. Bony translucent Brit. Enjoys rape. Also dead.

Trish: Where were you going to run?
Karl: Who's running?
Trish: With your new passports. Where were you running?
Karl: Uruguay.
Trish: Lot of cutting edge science in Uruguay?
Karl: Hardly.
Trish: So you were just going to go there and you were going to read? Garden? Learn basket weaving? Or you'll just sit, smoke, wait to die alone?
Karl: You already have me at gunpoint. You don't have to crush my soul as well.

Karl: Took me a long time to feel comfortable around the ocean. Alisa: Why? 
Karl: Uh, nearly drowned on a family vacation.
Alisa: So what made you go back in?
Karl: Some of my colleagues had a theory that needed to be tested at sea. I wanted to help, so I put on a life jacket.
Alisa: Noble of you.
Karl: Not really. They were paying for the research, and I was low on grass.
Alisa: Well it's powerful, and it's unpredictable. That can be scary for some people.
Karl: Yeah, the grass can do that. 
Alisa: I meant the ocean.

Alisa: I can jump ten stories, but I can't grow hair. What kind of a lame ass power is that?

Karl: I know it's complicated. It's completely unethical.
Alisa: I'm an illegal experiment, and you're worried about ethics?

Jessica: You work for me. Your dick works for Trish.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Jessica: Chasing your dreams can be deadly, especially when a creep with a science hard-on promises to make them real.

Jessica: Go ahead. Say it. I'm the reason that she's obsessed with powers.  Getting involved with my shit was bound to get her killed.
Dorothy: Jessie, I don't blame you.
Jessica: You have for 17 years. Why stop now?

Jeri: Akoya. Triple strand. A-K-O-Y-A. Okay, how do you not know what that is? You know what? You're too stupid to own a pawn shop.

Dorothy: You're not going anywhere near her.
Jessica: What happened to "family"?
Dorothy: The police told me all about your mother. You got my baby mixed up in all this? You did this to her.
Jessica: It wasn't me who had to get in front of those cameras and tell the whole world where Trish was.
Dorothy: I didn't know the danger that you had put her in. I was trying to protect Patsy. Her brand is her legacy.
Jessica: You can't stop selling your daughter, even if it kills her.
Dorothy: I finally understand you. Like mother, like daughter. She must be so proud of the heartless monster that you grew up to be.
Jessica: My mother is brain-damaged. What's your excuse?

Trish: Where am I? 
Jessica: The morgue. 
Trish: Am I dead?

Jessica: If that insane surgery hadn't killed you, you could've ended up like my mom.
Trish: Or I could've ended up like you.
Jessica: Why would you want that? There is a reason that my biggest expense is booze.
Trish: You're right. You don't deserve powers. All you do is piss them away when you could be out there helping people.
Jessica: You know what? I am tired of being the focus of your ridiculous insecurity. I didn't ask for any of this. Not these powers and not your goddamn judgment.
Trish: You're a coward.
Jessica: What? All I do is try and save your ass.
Trish: I don't wanna be saved.
Jessica: And all you do is raise your expectations and make sure that I feel worthless.

Alisa: I'm sorry about Trish and that detective.
Jessica: Sorry isn't going to cut it. You tried to kill the most important person in my life. My best friend. My sister.

Jessica: What's the right move here? Cause I don't know.
Trish: There's only one thing you can do. You gotta put her down. You're the only one powerful enough to do it. If Karl had finished what he started-
Jessica: You aren't serious.
Trish: If I was powered, I wouldn't hesitate.
Jessica: Bullshit. How many times have you forgiven Dorothy?

Jessica: What happens to our dreams when we realize they're never going to come true? They turn into nightmares.

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Dorothy: Do you accept that your life is a disaster? And that you've royally screwed up everything in it and that you're lying here in its wreckage?
Trish: I have to do something. 
Dorothy: I can think of a hundred ways in which you're special, Pats, but hero ain't one of 'em.
Trish: She needs my help.
Dorothy: And what exactly is a failed radio personality gonna do that trained law enforcement professionals and a superpowered woman can't? 
Trish: Your bedside manner blows.
Dorothy: Well, I'm only human, same as you.

Alisa: People will always feel "less than" around us. And that will make them either resent us or idealize us. Even Karl. Some days he put me on a pedestal. Others, he probably wished he never met me. Dimming our light, limping our way through life, that is not an option. Not with the gifts we have.
Jessica: If you say, "With great power comes great responsibility," I swear I'll throw up on you.

Alisa: We'd be an amazing team.
Jessica: You're not the first psychopath who's wanted to team up with me. The last time one of us ended up dead.
Alisa: You really think I'm like Kilgrave?
Jessica: Only if killing is still a viable option in your mind.

Jeri: I will leave today along with all my clients, including Rand. 
Benowicz: That's half our billable hours.
Jeri: Sixty-two percent, actually.

Alisa: Uruguay was Karl's place. We should, I don't know, go to a war zone or something.
Jessica: We have enough people gunning for us without dropping into a crossfire.
Alisa: Oh, come on. What we did back there? I want more. We could I don't know deliver supplies to needy villages. Or rescue old people.
Jessica: Do you want a unitard and a cape, too?
Alisa: Well, one, I would totally rock a unitard.

Costa: We only get one mother. That's a powerful bond, no matter how batshit crazy they might be. I think you know that.

Jessica: Stop talking to me like I'm your baby Jesus.
Alisa: Hero isn't a bad word, Jessica. It's just someone who gives a shit and does something about it.

Pryce: I was surprised to hear from you, given I still can't deadlift a car.
Jeri: Well, there are tasks for which Jessica Jones is not well-suited.

Vido: Did you save anybody today?
Jessica: Yeah. Actually, yeah, I did.
Vido: What happened? Did you have to hit someone?
Oscar: After dinner, Vido.
Vido: Oh, come on, I wanna hear it now.
Jessica: Well, I was buying whiskey at this liquor store and this guy came in, and he was all jumpy and dope-sick. And I knew he was there to rob the place. 
Vido: Because of your super sense? 
Jessica: I don't have super sense.
Oscar: Let her tell it.
Jessica: Anyway, sure enough, the guy pulled out a gun. It was a whole thing and I stopped it.
Vido: That's it?
Jessica: I may have thrown a bottle at his head. 
Vido: Cool.

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