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David T. Cole

Quotes: I Have Misplaced My Pants

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Homer: I dance, I dance, I dance, Around a Mexican hat. I dance, I dance, I dance, and that's the end of that. Or is it I guess I'll keep singing,my cellphone appears to be ringing...........

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Maitre d': "Please don't smoke in our restaurant! We don't serve contemporary California cuisine in your lungs!"

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Sideshow Bob: This is a normal day?

Homer: I just wanted to impress you.

 

Sideshow Bob: None of this seems odd to you?

Marge: Ehhh

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Lionel Hutz: "Uh-oh, we've drawn Judge Snyder."

Marge: "Is that bad?"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, he's had it in for me since I kinda ran over his dog."

Marge: "You did?"

Lionel Hutz: "Well, replace the word kinda with the word repeatedly, and the word dog with son."

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[pours bowl of Lucky Charms]

Bart: Aw, damn FDA! Why can't it all be marshmallows?

Lisa: Ew! Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash!

I love this bit because at first it seems like Lisa doesn't want him to put the cereal back in the box because he touched it all but no, she doesn't like the non-marshmallow pieces either.

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Moe singing The Moe Szyslak Connection: Moe, Moe, Moe, how do you like me? How do you like me? Moe, Moe, Moe, why don't you like me? Nobody likes me. 

Edited by Iboatedhere
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Little Vicki: "We all do crazy things when we're desperate. I once destroyed Buddy Ebsen's credit rating."

Lisa: "Why?"

Little Vicki: "He knows why."

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Streetcar! director, tasting one of Marge's cookies: "Would anyone else like a bite of mediocrity?"

Chief Wiggum: "I would."

Edited by honeywest
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Millhouse: I bet if God wore pants he'd have a belt like that.

 

Lisa: Where are you staying?

Homer: You know the four seasons? Well I'm experiencing all of them because I'm living in the park.

 

Luann: (sarcastically) I love having to steal clothes from the church donation box.

Rev. Lovejoy: Oh sweet Jesus.

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You! Strawberry! Good effort today.
Take a lap and hit the showers.
I'm putting in a right-handed batter.
Pinch-hitting for me? Yes.
You're a left-hander and so is the pitcher.
If I send up a right-handed batter it's called playing the percentages.
It's what smart managers do to win ball games.
I've got nine home runs.
You should be very proud.
Sit down.
Simpson! You're batting for Strawberry.
I am? Whoo-hoo! That a boy, Homer.
You can do it.
[ Clucking ] All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.
- If I tug the bill of my cap like so - Yeah.
- it means the signal is a fake.
- Uh-huh.
- I can take that off by dusting my hands thusly.
- Got it.
If I want you to bunt, I'll touch my belt buckle not once, not twice, but thrice.
[ Thinking ] I don't understand a word he's saying.
Why doesn't he just let me bat? I wish I was home with a big bag of potato chips.
Mmm potato chips.
- Got that, Simpson? - Yes, sir.

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Homer: She's wearing white? She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.

 

Homer: If I find out who this is I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

 

Bart: We could be murderers.

Homer: Could've been if we hadn't had kids.

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Two, four, six, eight,

Homer's crime was really great!

"Great" meaning "large" or "immense"!

We use it in the pejorative sense!

*****

Honer: They were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked...gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.

****

And when I say something incorrectly, I do try and say "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

I use that too.

****

Marge: Fox became a hard core porn channel so gradually.

Edited by SmithW6079
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Devil Flanders trying to claim Homer's soul: "You Americans with your 'due process'… *sigh* This is always so much easier in Mexico."

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When Aunt Patty gives Otto his written part of the drivers test. She tells him she'll use a green pen for the right answers and the red for wrong answers.

 

Patty: Any questions?

Otto: Just one. Did you used to be a guy? I'm not judging or anything, I just want to know.

Patty drops the green pen: Well, I won't need this one.

Edited by BatmanBeatles
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When Homer and Ned marry two floozies in Vegas.

Homer: But Ginger, honey, I am not the catch I appear to be!

Ned: Ginger is MY wife!

Ned's line kills me because, like it matters, Ned.

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Another one, from one of the Halloween episodes, when Lard Boy the Doughnut Boy comes to life, courtesy of Homer:

"He came to life. Good for him."

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Artie Ziff: "You can't spell 'party' without 'Artie'--unless you misspell 'party' . . . or 'Artie.' "

 

Marge: "I'll get used to your snoring, the same way I got used to saying Courteney Cox Arquette."

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As a vegetarian, I use this exchange with my family (who humor my madness) all the time at seafood joints and steakhouses:

Waiter: I’m sorry, ma’am, but everything on the menu has fish in it.

Marge: What about the bread, does that have much fish in it?

Waiter: Yes.

Marge: Well, I have some tic-tacs in my purse.

Waiter: Excellent choice.

I was watching part of the New Year's FXX marathon, and during one of the (new-ish) episodes, I heard Mayor Quimby cheerfully announcing some good news for the town by saying something like, "Now Springfield need no longer be known as 'America's Shame,' " and the crowd cheered. I thought that was pretty funny.

Edited by Peace 47

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Homer: "Stupid horse! It's a deer crossing!"

 

*Lisa checking the answering machine*

Marge: "Homer, I hope you get this: I'm in jail and I need $10,000 bail. Hurry!"

Homer: "Uhh, Marge, me and Bart got in a fight with this really uncool pit boss, and now we're in Nevada State Prison. Also, I don't know where Bart is. If you see him say 'Hey.'"

Lisa: "Well Maggie, I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning."

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Marge: "Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?"

Homer: "Pretty much, except we'd go around in a van, solving mysteries."

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[after Lisa publishes a comic of Mr. Burns abolishing free speech]

Mr. Burns: This is an outrage! Since when are public figures fair game for satire?

Smithers: Your goons did run her off the road, sir.

Mr. Burns: I can't be held responsible for what my goons were ordered to do!

 

Mr. Burns: Bah! It's as easy as crushing an ant.

[tries and fails to step on an ant; the ant throws him to the ground]

Mr. Burns: [to the ant] Take my wallet and leave me alone!

 

Bart: Hey crypt keeper, I like your Dodge Scareavan!

[kids laugh]

Mr. Burns: How dare you mock my mobila-mobile. It was the first car to outrun a man.

Nelson: A caveman!

[kids laugh]

Nelson: I thought of that 'cause I slept in a cave last night.

Mr. Burns: Of all the-- I will not be lampooned by schoolchildren. Kill them, Smithers!

Smithers: Ah, you could just buy a new car, sir.

Mr. Burns: Well, whatever's easier.

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