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Quotes: Full Grown Alpha Male Douchebag

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Lily: I  took your advice and I've been dabbling on Stefan's computer. What a wondrous invention. All that knowledge.
Damon: And videos of cats riding robot vacuum cleaners.

 

Sarah: Who is that woman? And how do you even know who my family is? How do I not know this?
Enzo: Because your uncle Stefan compelled you to forget to keep your secret from your other uncle Damon after he killed your parents. You would have shared their fate had it not been for your other uncle.
Sarah: That's who you were taking me to?
Enzo: Well, actually, no. The good brother recently went bad and I was hoping to leave you in the care of the bad brother who is actually less bad now than the good brother.
Sarah: I don't understand any of this.
Enzo: Yeah, look, I can try repeating it, love, but it won't be any clearer the second time.

 

Damon: Text Elena. Tell her we're headed to campus to check it out. [hands Lily his phone] See those letters? Think of it as a tiny typewriter.
Lily: You're right. "My dearest Elena, I hope this finds you well."
Damon: No, short and sweet. Just "headed to campus."
Lily: How shall I end it? With an "I love you"?
Damon: Knock yourself out.

 

Elena: I'm hoping that Damon and his mom find [stefan and Caroline] soon.
Jo: I'm sorry, did you just say, "Damon's mom"? Isn't she dead?
Elena: No, she was trapped in a 1903 prison world, where Kai is currently trapped.
Jo: Kai is in a 1903 prison world?
Elena: I'm sorry, has no one told you this?
Jo: I'm on hour 13 of a 12 hour shift. Maybe someone could have shot me a text.

 

Jo: The last thing this baby needs is an uncle psychopath.

 

Enzo: You've made a mistake.
Sarah: I know. Starting with trusting my vampire stalker who arranged for me to be friends with some blue eyed bartender all so I could witness him getting run over and you playing the part of the hero.

 

Sarah: I'm an idiot for ever trusting you.
Enzo: Don't beat yourself up.

 

Lily: How many people have you saved with this? Be truthful.
Doctor: None. I promise them health and sell them lavender mixed with castor oil.

 

Caroline: You both dated me so you should know everything about me.

 

Enzo: How else do you explain your morbid fascinations? The hanging of Mary Surratt. That's hardly a motivational poster now, is it?

 

[Tyler throws a chair at Stefan]
Stefan: Are you serious?
Tyler: What's wrong, Stefan? Not used to people fighting back?
Stefan: No, actually I'm just not used to people being this stupid.

 

Caroline: See that little vein in his forehead? I used to think it was so sexy. Now I'm pretty sure that it's just all the blood leaving his brain.

 

Caroline: So for those of us keeping score, if Matt dies are you going to start peeing on fire hydrants again?
Stefan: Ooh, that's a very good question. I mean, if all that rage made you think that you could take us both, maybe this is nature's way of reconnecting you with your true self.

 

Lily: I'm sure you have many questions.
Stefan: The fact that you haven't aged a day answers the big one.

 

Damon: You get a night, Stefan, a night to beat yourself up. Do your shame spiral and then you have to go after Caroline.

 

Matt: Do you know how many times I've died?

 

Damon: Matt lives to hate vampires another day, Stefan's on Caroline duty, and I just introduced mom to Uber. Taking bets on which one goes south first.

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"My dearest Elena, I hope this finds you well."

You have no idea how much I've been dying to start texts and emails with "My dearest _______, I hope this finds you well…"

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Bonnie: You're the one who said [Lily]'s friends are vampires who can do magic.

Damon: I think the PC term is witch-pire.

 

Bonnie: Don't ever show up here pretending to care about me again!

 

Matt: So you two know each other?

Lily: The phrase "small world" comes to mind.

Enzo: So does "epic understatement."

 

Damon: The fact that you suck at torturing people is nothing to be ashamed of. That's why you have me.

 

Damon: I guess we've never played the "let's pretend we're human" fantasy game together. All right, let's play. You're human. Five years from now, where are you?

Elena: Easy. With you.

Damon: BORING. I'll need a zip code.

Elena: Okay, a loft in Tribeca above the bar that you work at.

Damon: You made me Matt Donovan in your fantasy?

 

Lily: Tucked inside a shoebox. Clearly you've learned the art of hiding from your mother.

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Elena: Okay, a loft in Tribeca above the bar that you work at.

Damon: You made me Matt Donovan in your fantasy?

 

 

That seriously cracked me up for some reason I cannot explain.  Perhaps it's all in the delivery.

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Elena: Damon called you?

Bonnie: He needed someone to talk to after you left the conversation without telling him what you were thinking.

Elena: That's not exactly how it happened.

Bonnie: And I quote, "She stared at me like I was an alien and then basically teleported out of the room."

 

Damon: Elena guzzles [the cure], goes back to her old human self, I feed on her, and as long as no one sucks it out of me, then we grow old and die of the common cold.

 

Alaric: You're writing checks your ass can't cash.

 

Damon: Do you honestly want to spend your last night as a single man debating my existential crisis?

 

Tyler: Sorry I'm late.

Matt: Considering the guy who lives here tried to kill us a few days ago, I don't blame you.

Tyler: Yeah, but we're here for Ric, right?

Matt: We're here for the free booze.

Tyler: Whoa, beer plus pain meds equals another trip to the hospital.

Matt: You chose now to learn math?

 

Matt: Who the hell invited you?

Enzo: Damon. Never been to a bachelor party before. I can see the appeal.

 

Stefan: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Enzo: Believe me, there are a number of places I'd rather be. Strapped to a gurney having my spleen cut out, for instance.

 

Tyler: Drinking yourself to death. Is that your big plan for the future?

Matt: Just taking a page from your playbook. Oh, sorry, all the pages.

 

Damon: Where are you? And please tell me you're with the stripper.

Stefan: Picture that and then picture the exact opposite. I'm with our mother.

Damon: Now I don't want to picture anything.

 

Damon: Love to mom. Kidding!

 

Enzo: Now that's what I call a missed opportunity. Perfect time to tell your brother you're hanging up your fangs for a pair of khakis.

Damon: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Enzo: Yes, you do. I might have plied Alaric with enough alcohol to slur the news into my ear.

Damon: Well you are the last person who gets to criticize me for withholding information, my brother from the same mother. Were you going to tell me that Lily turned you?

Enzo: Yeah, once you mastered the art of returning phone calls.

Damon: I've been busy.

Enzo: What, with the prospect of taking the cure? No point in agonizing. You won't go through with it.

Damon: Says who?

Enzo: You. You're selfish, Damon. Being human isn't what you really want. I mean, don't get me wrong. I like that about you. A man should be consistent. But take it from someone who you left to burn to death in order to save your own skin - no one changes that much, not even under the magical influence of Elena Gilbert.

 

Bonnie: What if the human you doesn't love Damon anymore? What? Someone had to say it.

Jo: That's ridiculous. Being supernatural doesn't change who you are. I should know. I'm an ex-witch who's about to marry an ex-vampire. Deep down you know who you are and what you want.

 

Stefan: See? Sublimating can be fun!

Lily: You're mocking me.

Stefan: I am not mocking you. I'm teaching you how to divert an instinctual impulse into a socially acceptable activity.

 

Lily: Is this a strictly ripper to ripper pep talk?

 

Alaric: You know it's bad form to drink a $1000 dollar bottle of bourbon by yourself.

 

Matt: You want some drunk advice? I've got thirty stitches in my side. All my friends are killers except you. You're human, which means it's a miracle you're still alive. And a dick if you're thinking about bringing a kid into this.

Alaric: Well if that's your bachelor toast, it really sucks.

 

Enzo: Broken glassware, the overwhelming scent of fresh blood. I see the family reunion went without a hitch.

 

Jo: Worst bachelorette party ever!

 

Stefan: So were you going to tell me or was it just easier to be your normal dickish self?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Kai: Wow, you are not good at running.

 

Jo: Oh, good. Break [the steamer]. My wrinkled dress will surely distract everyone from my bare feet.

 

Elena: Non alcoholic mimosa?

Jo: A non alcoholic mimosa is just orange juice.

 

Elena: I missed you.

Caroline: I missed me too.

 

Caroline: Elena, the curling iron!

Elena: Yes, I see it, Care. I'm human now, not blind. And I'm not fragile either. You don't have to walk on eggshells around me.

Caroline: Uh, I do actually because if you walked on them they could cut you, you'd get infected, and probably die.

Elena: You know what? Given my luck, that actually seems possible.

 

Caroline: So what's it like now in the world of the living?

Elena; It's different. I'm slower. I have to look both ways before crossing the street. But it's nice to not-

Caroline: Be a monster like me who turns off their humanity and commits murder instead of dealing with grief like a normal person?

Elena: I was going to say not to have to wear a daylight ring all the time.

 

Damon: Is Mr. Rogers expecting us?

Stefan: You know Mr. Rogers is dead, right?

 

Matt: Caroline suggested in a semi-threatening way that I pick up the centerpieces, which seems like a Donovan screw up waiting to happen.

 

Tyler: I'm bad at flowers. I assumed you knew that.

 

Tyler: Liv, what are you doing here?

Liv: You do know that Jo's my sister, right?

 

Tyler: Monosyllabic? That's an awfully big word for a college drop out.

 

Damon: Paperwork? That's your big move?

 

Elena: I'm on my third glass, so speak slowly.

 

Alaric: I want to see [Jo].

Elena: Not until the wedding.

Alaric: Elena.

Elena: Ric, if there's anywhere that you should be superstitious, it's Mystic Falls.

 

Elena: The doctors think she had a panic attack.

Alaric: As in she doesn't want to get married to me panic attack? Great.

Elena: No, as in it's her wedding day and she has two small humans growing inside and she can't self-medicate like you, bourbon breath.

 

Tyler: Nothing has changed. What? Because she walks in here with a pretty dress and a new haircut, I'm supposed to forget how she acted?

Caroline: No, you're supposed to talk to her like an adult and work out your problems.

Tyler: You don't know about our problems.

Caroline: No, but I know about your problems.

 

Stefan: I'm not used to scaring people away.

Elena: People are uncomfortable around Salvatores in tuxes. It stirs feelings.

Stefan: Uh oh, Elena's human again. Am I sensing another brother swap?

 

Alaric: I just need help with my vows. What rhymes with battlefield clamp?

Jo: Divorce.

 

Jo: You haven't seen my dad, have you?

Alaric: No, actually, but it's big of you to invite your attempted murderer to your wedding.

Jo: He gives really good gifts. And never say "big of you" to a pregnant woman.

 

Caroline: I hate the way that this has made me feel.

Stefan: That's because you're a control freak who's lost control.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Papa Parker: Sanguinem figlio, sanguinem et fugare perpetuo.

Kai: Let me guess. Prison world?

 

Kai: When your family decides that you're nothing but an irredeemable piece of trash, well, guess the best thing to do is prove them right, right?

 

Enzo: Elena's in the hospital with Damon. Kai is dead and all the Geminis are going down with him. And I grabbed the two of you to help me deal with the bigger problem.

Caroline: There's a bigger problem?

 

Stefan: [Kai] lied to you. You made a deal with a sociopath.

 

Best text ever on this show:

TY WEREWOLF
KAI IS A VAMPIRE

 

Damon: I am in a very volatile place right now and I will start beheading people that I don't like, starting with you, if she doesn't wake up. So what did you do to my damn girlfriend?

Kai: It's just not as threatening when I'm seeing like four super blurry versions of you.

 

Damon: Please tell me you didn't.

Kai: Oh, I totally did.

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Demon's beheading line in the hospital made the decapitation even more hilarious!

Fair warning rhere

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Caroline: So Damon's watching out for Alaric, Bonnie's watching out for Damon, and I don't know exactly who's watching out for Bonnie.

 

Caroline: How's Damon?

Stefan: Well, if the last time he sat around waiting decades for a girl taught us anything, then I am worried.

 

Valerie: Dear diary, I'm in hell. It's hard to imagine a place worse than where I've come from but by some spectacular miracle, I've found it. In the weeks since I've arrived, three things are clear: the food is literally made of poison, the air smells like a plague, and everyone wants to know what everyone else is doing.

 

Valerie: Stoic Beau, Nora the brat, the devious mental Mary Louise, and Malcolm, Lily's pet - the brown noser.

 

Lily: Beau is not complaining.

Mary Louise: Beau is mute.

 

Damon: Can you read German?

Alaric: That's actually Dutch.

Damon: Wait, where are we?

Bonnie: Amsterdam. Dear Elena, yup, halfway across Europe and they're still druuuuunk.

Alaric: Is that really necessary?

Bonnie: Elena told me to keep a journal of everything she's missing. When she wakes up in sixty-something years and finds out that Ric died from alcohol poisoning, she's gonna want to know what happened.

Damon: Unless you tragically choke to death on those cocktail peanuts and then I can tell her myself.

Bonnie: So sweet. I'm going to go rent a bike and see the city like a normal tourist.

Damon: FYI - they don't wear helmets here.

Bonnie: Keeps getting funnier.

Damon: Hey, ride in the tram tracks and don't look both ways!

 

Alaric: My misery is merely a convenient distraction for you.

Damon: Yup.

 

[Nora takes a selfie with the girl Valerie just fed on]

Valerie: Really? Be more vein.

Nora: If you were pretty, you'd be too.

 

Damon: I've had some janky ass bourbon in my time.

[bonnie takes a sip]

Bonnie: It's not bourbon. It's tea.

 

Nora: Valerie's allergic to nature.

 

Bonnie: Ric was right here. How did we lose him?

Damon: You're wearing terrible shoes for trailing someone, your eyes suck, and you're slow.

 

Damon: Ric was kinda meh on the Mona Lisa.

 

Damon: Have you been to Mystic Falls? There is a heretic clipping his gnarly heretic toenails in my master bath right now.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Alaric: Ghost towns are like amusement parks for college kids.

 

Bonnie: Damon told me what you were doing in Europe.

Alaric: Losing my money and my sanity to a series of con artists?

 

Alaric: You wouldn't think it's weird that I'm trying to contact my fiancée who's been dead for months?

Bonnie: Honestly, after everything we've experienced, it'd be weird if you weren't.

 

Damon: Let's open some windows too. It reeks of dog in here which is impressive considering Tyler's been with Jeremy for months.

Stefan: You killed him, didn't you?

Damon: Tyler? No. Jeremy - once, but are we really bringing that up right now?

 

Damon: Last night I was in the town square minding my own business when I tripped and accidentally ripped Malcolm's heart out.

Lily: Malcolm was a very powerful heretic. I have a hard time believing you acted alone.

Damon: Well, I'm pretty awesome.

 

Stefan: I only hear one set of footsteps.

Damon: And I only hear righteous "I told you so"s.

 

Bonnie: Bonnie Bennett, destroyer of dreams!

 

Mary Louise: Why the hell are you in here?

Valerie: I heard about this new trend called hooker chic. I figured you would have something.

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Alaric: How long you plan on crashing here, Damon? You know you could compel yourself a whole house sorority house if you wanted to.

Damon: And miss this Odd Couple squalor? I'm starting to enjoy the luxury of having one barely functional showerhead after years or being tortured by the four that I have in my actual home.

 

Alaric: How long before that happens?

Damon: Pretty soon, thanks to Donovan - a phrase no one has uttered ever.

 

Valerie: Dirty blonde hair, psycho - summarized me to a T.

 

Damon: Room service. Free shrimp!

 

Oscar: I sense hostility and that's fine. All emotions are valid and welcome here.

 

Caroline: So it's kind of like The Notebook except you two never reconnect and he totally forgets about you.

 

Oscar: You know you can get a drink served to you in a fish bowl here?

 

Oscar: You want me to, what, siphon [bonnie's] problem away?
Damon: Think of it as one big magical toke.

 

Bonnie: How do you know about the phoenix stone?
Oscar: How do you know about the phoenix stone?

 

Bonnie: Did you know he still had [the phoenix stone]?
Damon: Oh, come on. A little. Kinda. Ric, tell her what happened.
Bonnie: No, I'm asking you.
Damon: I live with the guy. I mean, guys know stuff.
Bonnie: You lied to me.
Damon: I didn't lie to you. Ric lied to you. I just kept my mouth shut. Wait, I'm not going to be stuck in the middle of this.

 

Stefan: Did it ever occur to you that Valerie doesn't give a crap about you or anyone else?

 

Damon: Awww, my besties are buds again.

 

Lily: Is Valerie here?
Caroline: I heard her leave the house. I guess torture makes her hungry.

 

Caroline: I just spent the day reliving Stefan's first time. I really don't feel like talking about my dead mother with my hostage taker, but thanks.

 

Caroline: You must have had a mother. Even Mussolini had a mother.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Stefan: Take my town, you can destroy my house, but you will not touch my car.

 

Stefan: A "gentleman friend"? You had a boyfriend?

Lily: His name was Julian -- why you're acting as if that was absurd.

Stefan: Well, your first husband shot and killed his own sons, so you'll have to excuse me if I don't trust your type.

Lily: Julian was nothing like your father.
Stefan: No? What was he, a nebbishy banker, town butcher, perhaps?

 

Score one for Stefan figuring out that his mother automatically attaches herself to horrible people. (Oscar doesn't count.)

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Morgue guy: Don't make me an accomplice to whatever weird stuff you're doing with your wife's dead body.

Alaric: You have no idea how weird it's going to get.

 

Caroline: Our lives are weird.

Bonnie: Tell me about it.

 

Damon: We need to get rid of this body.

Stefan: No, no, no, YOU need to get rid of this body.

 

Nora: You reek of blood.

Damon: Well, I've been bingeing.

Stefan: And I've been judging.

 

Enzo: Tell your ghostbusters to charge up their proton packs.

 

Mary Louise: As if we'd want to drink cheap beer and then brag about it on the internet.

Nora: As if you'd even know how to do that.

 

Mary Louise: Oh, are you prohibited from showing physical affection for your significant other? Try being gay in 1900.

 

Nora: The girl is a rancid bitch.

Stefan: That's not the Valerie I knew.

Nora: Well, I used to be a sickly abused little urchin cast out by my coven and then I met Mary Louise. Love changes people. Maybe Valerie's obsession with you is the reason why she's a walking funeral dirge.

 

Bartender: Let me guess - old fashioned devil and slutty angel.

 

Damon: Bonnie, you are officially the most terrifying person I know.

 

Damon: Are you sure you want to do this to Jo?

Alaric: Look, it's now or never, Damon.

Damon: No offense, Ric, but I was asking Bonnie.

 

Mary Louise: Is this how relationships work in the modern era? Everybody peddling their flesh like a street bazaar?

 

Stefan: You know, these days they have this wonderful thing called a therapist.

 

Damon: Don't shoot the one person who can solve this case for you, Officer Dumbass.

 

Damon: Now I get it. Your favorite sons are the ones with the ripper problems. I highly recommend a detox and an intervention.

 

Enzo: You're welcome.

Valerie: I'm swooning on the inside.

 

Lily: I've asked Bo to remove the cloaking spell from Elena's coffin. You'll find her in the ruins of the old Salvatore mansion.

Damon: Clever. Ish.

Lily: Glad you think so.

Damon: I'm moving back to Mystic Falls.

Lily: I will certainly ask the family to take it under consideration.
Damon: It wasn't a request. These people didn't deserve to be killed by one of your free range children. Stefan's up to his hero hair in heretic drama and I worry that Matt Donovan's funeral is going to cut into my social schedule.

Lily: And what? You're going to help keep order? Damon, you could hardly keep a covered box safe. You do realize that this innate desire to keep Elena physically present in your life, this boyish refusal to let her go, will only put her in more danger. After everything you've been through, what a shame it would be to lose her because you're too terrified to find out who you actually are without her.

 

Damon: Dear Elena, yes, you heard that correctly. Hell has frozen over. I'm writing it all down. Granted I'm a half bottle in thanks to my 1950 Chateau Cheval Blanc, a bottle I waited 65 years to open. I used to spend nights in my wine cellar convincing myself I could actually hear it age, tannins growing, fermenting. But appreciating its beauty didn't make the time go by any faster. The bottle just laid there on its shelf, torturing me while I waited for Katherine. And time stood still. Eventually I convinced myself that no sip of that wine could ever taste as good as I dreamt it would. So I hid the bottle and walked away. And that is the story of why I drink bourbon.

 

Damon: So who is Damon Salvatore without Elena Gilbert? A selfish friend? A jealous brother? A horrible son?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: [Jo]'s been sleeping for twelve hours. That's normal, right?

Bonnie: Yesterday she was dead. Today she's alive. I'm not sure normal applies.

 

Alaric: Hey, do you want a job as my new TA? All you have to do is write "interesting point" in a few margins and then give everyone a B+.

 

Stefan: Is there any particular reason as to why you are barging into my girlfriend's dorm room at the crack of mid-morning?

 

Mary Louise: I want to drive but Bo won't give me the keys.

Nora: That's because you keep hitting cats and utility poles.

 

Enzo: They must have tracked Julian down on their own with a locator spell or some other heretic malarkey.

[only funny because of the actor's last name!]

 

Valerie: Did you ever hear of the Black Sea Massacre of 1897? Julian annihilated an entire coastline on Christmas Day and yet Lily is still hopelessly in love with him.

Damon: So? Stefan took out an entire village in Monterey and Caroline still wants him. To each his own.

 

Alaric: It's Thai food - your favorite. Except for that. That's meat. You don't eat meat.

Jo: Why would I not eat meat?

Alaric: I have no idea.

 

Enzo: I thought you were leading us to a secret passage.

Bonnie: You watch too much Scooby Doo.

 

Lily: Call it what you will - devotion, control. I call it love.

 

Damon: Apparently [Lily] has a thing for emotional torture.

Bonnie: I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Damon: Hey, I do not go behind people's backs and torture them. I like my enemies to look me in the eye and see the depth of my rage.

 

Damon: Glad to see you boarded the train to crazytown, Bonnie B. I was getting lonely all by myself.

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Damon: Apparently [Lily] has a thing for emotional torture.

Bonnie: I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Damon: Hey, I do not go behind people's backs and torture them. I like my enemies to look me in the eye and see the depth of my rage.

One of the more endearing and crazy-making aspects of Damon's preferences w.r.t. torture. While it makes him seem more honorable than someone like, say, Lily, all someone has to do is get a message out somehow or escape whatever fate he's got in store, and boom, instant enemies. Which is, of course, why Damon can't go inside his own house and his girlfriend is in a coma.

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Damon: So tell me - what thoughts go through a man's mind before he decides, "I think I'll take the ones with the roosters"?

 

Damon: To watch Lily bat her eyes at her zombie douche brain boy toy? Thanks, but I'd rather stay home and stub my toe repeatedly.

 

Caroline: Matilda Pettigrew from Liverpool!

 

Nora: You just line up those matching pieces of candy like so. There you go. You got it. It took Mary Louise a month to pass the first level.

Julian: And this is meant to be, like, fun, right?

Nora: Oh yeah. Give it another five minutes and you'll be full on addicted.

 

Nora: Deputy Donovan, welcome.

Matt: It's Matt. We lost all formalities when you and your girlfriend nearly drained me of all my blood.

 

Enzo: If anyone's wondering, you're my date.

Bonnie: Sorry?

 

Lily: Bonnie, I know we've had a rocky past but I hope this means you're willing to start fresh.

Bonnie: You're the reason I'm never going to see my best friend again so I hope you're joking.

 

Damon: I have an irrational fear of pool tables.

 

Damon: Well, there's this guy. He's about Stefan's build, maybe a wee bit bigger, a little more chiseled, less height on the hair.

 

Stefan: Wow, that is a wonderful story, Hemingway.

 

Alaric: I see you've mastered the internet.

Jo: One of the students showed me something called WebMD. Apparently I have a form of retrograde amnesia. So far I've canceled out encephalitis. Most of my characteristics fall under fugue state amnesia which is rare, but then again so is coming back from the dead. Which I just said too loudly.

 

Julian: Those meat and cheese spirals were decadent.

 

Bonnie: It's called dignity. Have some. It's free.

 

Mary Louise: I feel like a fool running around trying to impress my own girlfriend.

 

Damon: And here I thought [Lily] slept standing up like a horse.

 

Damon: You know something. Look at you - murdery, vengeful. It's very humanity-off Stefan except your switch is intact, which means you know something so spit it out!

 

Damon: You know, I never thought I'd say this, Stefan, but I miss the days when you just let your big brother handle all the dirty work.

 

Damon: V card Valerie got under your skin. I'm surprised, Stefan. I thought Caroline was the one. Then again, we all thought Elena was the one.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: Simple enough. Two lines you're pregnant, one line you're not.

Caroline: How many lines if you've been mystically knocked up by a coven of dead witches?

 

Stefan: I invited you over here because we can't keep doing this. I want us all to start over.

Lily: If the pilgrims and Indians could do it, I'm sure there's hope for us.

Damon: We call them Native Americans now. But we didn't bring you here to correct your outdated racial slurs.

 

Stefan: Julian beat [Valerie] until the baby was no longer alive. Her child, your grandchild, was murdered by Julian. You need to know what kind of man he is.

Damon: I think what Stefan's trying to say is you have really crappy taste.

 

 

Enzo: If Julian wants it, then so do I.

Bonnie: Are you talking about Oscar's car or Lily? You're not doing this to stop a psychopath. You just want the girl.

Enzo: Congratulations. You've just unlocked every man's true motivation in life.

Bonnie: Let me give you some advice. Stop treating Lily like some prize to be won.

Enzo: Spoken like someone who's never been fought over.

Bonnie: It's not the turn on you think it is. Try flowers, a quiet dinner, listening.

 

Enzo: Wonder what makes [this knife] so special.

Bonnie: I think I've seen that before when I was doing research on the stone. Let me see what I can dig up.

Enzo: I don't need research to tell me which end is the pointy end.

 

Stefan: You're drawn to men who manipulate you into seeing what they want, men who abuse you.

Lily: I'm sorry, the vervain ropes searing into my flesh are distracting me from concentrating on your lecture about tolerating abuse.

 

Valerie: You want me to siphon the compulsion out of all these people? Do you have any idea how long that will take?

Caroline: Probably the amount of time that it'll take to siphon one person times the amount of people in this room.

 

Julian: Do you know what true bravery is? Most people don't. It isn't going against incredible odds and thinking you're going to win. No, that's merely confidence. Bravery is knowing you're going to lose and doing it anyway.

Enzo: That's your strategy? Bore me into submission?

 

Matt: I've never seen you puke before.

Caroline: That is because I am polite.

 

Damon: Little tip from a professional - next time you want to kill a bazillion year old psycho, don't pick a sword from the juniors section.

 

Bonnie: Oh, you're here.

Alaric: Yeah, I'm here.

Bonnie: And you're drunk.

 

Damon: Bastard links his life to my mom's and then engages in a duel. What is this, Hamlet community theater?

 

Damon: Shouldn't you be deader?

 

Caroline: Isn't it possible that "kill the psycho" and "save the babies" just sound similar in witch Latin?

 

Enzo: When nine Russians tell you you're drunk, you lie down.

 

Damon: I am never going to change, Lily is never going to change, and you are never going to change. You're never going to stop straining to find one tiny speck of redemption in Lily and she's never going to stop disappointing you.

 

Julian: Darling, you were never in any danger.

Lily: Funny how choking on your own blood makes you feel like it.

 

Doctor: How far along are you?

Alaric: Uh, I'm not really sure how to answer that.

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Nora: Lily Salvatore throws a party? Let me guess - we'll get drunk on tea and do needlepoint.

Mary Louise: Oh, yes. Nothing says, "I've loved you for over a century," like falling asleep by 9:15.

 

Lily: What are you doing here, Lorenzo?

Enzo: Looking for the self help section. Seems I've developed feelings for someone with terrible taste.

 

Lily: I had to feed. I have to convince them that I'm on their side.

Damon: Sounds like something straight out of Rippers Anonymous.

 

Damon: I'm only here because Stefan's a momma's boy and I don't want the silent treatment for the next century.

 

Enzo: I don't think the life saving business suits you, mate.

Matt: Why don't you tell that to the girl whose throat you were about to tear out?

Enzo: I suppose that brings your tally to a whopping one.

Matt: Damon didn't want you, Lily didn't want you, and this town never wanted you.

 

Damon: We thought we'd support the pretty girl and her mean girlfriend.

 

Lily: I saw it in [Damon]'s eyes. He wishes me dead.

Stefan: Do you think that I haven't seen that look before? Damon has been practicing that look on me for the last hundred and fifty years.

 

Mary Louise: What is this?

Julian: Apparently whoever wins at foosball gets to kill me.

Damon: It's pinball and I have the high score.

 

Damon: You made your bed. Have a nice nap.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Valerie: Beau couldn't bring himself to say goodbye.

Damon: I'm sure he just couldn't find the right words to say.

 

Stefan: How many times do you get a second chance to deliver your mother's eulogy?

Damon: Good point, brother. How's this? Lily, you were a terrible mother when you were alive. You were a terrible mother when you were dead. You're right. That does feel good. Huh.

 

Caroline: Last year we filled ten crates [of toys]. This year I am aiming for twenty.

Stefan: You know compelling people to donate doesn't actually count as donating.

 

Caroline: How are you?

Stefan: I'm good. I'd be a lot better if my traveling companion would actually stick to the task instead of stopping by every single bar we pass by.

Damon: It's called a pub crawl, Stef. That's the whole point. Don't be such a grinch or you'll get coal in your stocking.

 

Bonnie: "Hey, Stefan! Did I mention Bonnie saw me mix a blood bag with a jar of mayonnaise at two o'clock in the morning?"

Caroline: Okay, one, that was marshmallow fluff. And two, I'm feeding for three now so I get cravings.

 

Caoline: [stefan] doesn't need to worry about the specifics of my magical pregnancy with Alaric's babies.

Alaric: Words that should probably not be spoken at that volume.

 

Alaric: You know it's a birthing class, right, Caroline, and not SAT prep?

 

Damon: So what's it gonna be? Uncle Stefan? Unccy Steffy? I got it! Creepy dude who hangs out with mom who's not dad.

Stefan: See, the thing is she's not their mom.

Damon: Oh, come on, It's Caroline. You think she's going to turn those kids over to a functioning alcoholic with no supervision?

 

Stefan: What I need, Damon, are your actions, not your words.

Damon: Sounds like you should have brought Beau then.

 

Damon: I've got more vervain syringes and grenades strapped to my body. One wrong step and I'm vampire shrapnel.

 

Mary Louise: This is your fault, you know, this fracturing.

Valerie: Yeah, if only I hadn't fallen in love and placed my pregnant womb in front of Julian's boot.

 

Bonnie: You delivered [the toy]. Yaaaaay. That's the end.

Nora: But how will the tot know the toy is from me?

Bonnie: I'll tell him!

 

Bonnie: You're going to school here? Why?

Nora: Because I was curious about college, and well, Mary Louise hated the idea so-

Bonnie: Spite! That's a good reason for higher education.

 

Damon: Just so we're clear, me helping you kill Julian is your Christmas present so don't be expecting any socks or a tv or anything.

 

Stefan: Since when do you think logically?

Damon: Hi, I'm level-headed Damon. I only come out when Stefan goes a little cuckoo and since you're letting your mommy and could-have-been-daddy issues drive you right now-

Stefan: So you don't think that Julian deserves to die?

Damon: I do. A hundred percent. But not if it means US dying. So I think we should just stop and think about some backup.

Stefan: You are my backup! You're just terrible at it.

 

Bonnie: Hello, Damon.

Damon: Bon Bon, sorry to do this to you, but-

Bonnie: What a lovely way to be greeted. "Hi, Bonnie. I need something."

Damon: Isn't it so great to feel loved and needed?

 

Birthing class teacher: Wow, someone really dug into that suggested reading list.

Caroline: Well, yeah, I hope everyone did. It's a baby!

 

Caroine: That is a "your hormones are making you crazy because you're pregnant" look, which I will have you know is really just a man's attempt to minimize the gift that our bodies bring into this world. It's The Feminist Guide to Pregnancy, chapter four, page forty three.

Alaric: Actually, I believe that particular quote is found in chapter three. What? You think I'm not going to read every book that you're reading?

 

Nora: That's your gift? Stickers? Did you stop at the gas station on the way over or just fish them from the rubbish?

 

Nora; Let me guess - hot cocoa with vervain?

Bonnie: Close. Bourbon.

 

Nora: A pity friend. Just what I've always wanted.

Bonnie: A pity friend is still a friend.

 

Stefan: So when do you think this denial phase of yours is going to come to an end?

 

Stefan: I just refuse to believe you care so little about your own flesh and blood.

Damon: Why is that? Death doesn't erase all the crappy things [Lily] did, Stefan. If anything, it lets me care about her even less.

 

Damon: I feel stupid cause see, Stefan and I thought you had some really great maniacal plan but it turns out you're just a drunk sorority girl who ruins everyone's night by losing her cell phone.

 

Julian: [Lily] was the only thing that kept the madness of the stone at bay, you know? The only thing that kept me sane.

Damon: Wait, that was you sane?

 

Julian: I know you two have been following me for quite some time. I hope it wasn't for nefarious reasons.

Stefan: Well, that depends. Is killing you nefarious?

 

Damon: I'm sure we all miss Lily. Well, most of you. You guys in particular.

 

Damon: Fine, plan B. Booze soaked flammable costumes.

 

Little girl in hospital: Can I have one of the boy toys?

Nora: Of course you can. You can be anything you want. Don't let society tell you differently.

[bonnie gives her a look]

Nora: What? Surprised I'm not massacring the leukemia patients?

Bonnie: It's still early.

 

Stefan: You're the reason that [Julian]'s alive and [Lily] isn't.

Damon: What kind of backwards ass logic is that?

Stefan: Because we would have killed Julian the minute he showed up in our lives, but no, you wanted to punish Lily with a long con.

Damon: She punished herself with a short stake.

 

Bonnie: Why don't I get you a tissue?

Nora: It's okay. I used one of your hideous tops.

 

Bonnie: Can I ask you what might seem like a mean question?

Nora: Please. Fire away. It's not like I'm in a fragile state or anything.

Bonnie: What do you see in her? Aside from the fact that she looks like a blonde Angelina Jolie.

Nora: She's loving, protective, kind.

Bonnie: But just to you.

 

Bonnie: I don't need someone to tell me I'm pretty.

Nora: Nobody needs it but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel good to hear it.

 

Julian: I just spent two hours crammed in a small metal tube flying across the country to be here. It was hell.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Henry: I can't wait to see my girl, Olive. She's a real peach.

 

Damon: It's not that I was expecting a parade, but where's my parade?

 

Damon: You're telling me my brother's still stuck in [the phoenix stone] and you brought me out first?
Bonnie: That didn't sound even like a glimmer of a thank you.

 

Damon: How do you not see an unconscious vampire walk out the front door?

 

Matt: If Julian were in Mystic Falls, I'd know.
Damon: Don't you think you're giving yourself a little too much credit there, Donovan?

 

Damon: Drink?
Caroline: I'm 28 weeks pregnant.
Damon: Is that a yes or a no?

 

Damon: Blondie, you do not get to make this moment the only time you ever decided to shut up.

 

Julian: So do you want to talk about it?
Damon: Are we really doing this?
Julian: Yes, we're really doing this. You know I've never had the opportunity to share war stories with another stone survivor! Come on, how'd you fare? Tell me everything.
Damon: Gladly. As soon as Stefan's home, soul sucked out of that rock, we can all sit, pop open a bottle of chardonnay, chat, and eat Bon Bons until the sun comes up.
Julian: Perhaps I should start. In that wretched world, I saw your mother. And then I killed her. Every day for over a century, I watched her die. Every day for over a century, I had my heart torn out of my chest. It was complete and utter misery.
Damon: Well, I had a slightly different experience. Overall I give hell one star for horror and two very disappointed thumbs down for clever use of parable.

 

Henry: You have a sweetheart, Damon?
Damon: Yes. No. I mean, I gotta admit - things are a little fuzzy right now, Henry.

 

Damon: Good day, ma'am. Could you spare some dinner for two hungry soldiers? And before you say no, I'd like to remind you that quartering is the law in these parts. I also love pie.

 

Damon: Is this the part where we compare notes, analyze the symbolism, convince each other that we're survivors?
Stefan: Well, to be honest with you, I just lived 168 years of mistakes, grief, and pain on a perpetual loop so I'm down to just skip to the part where we get drunk.

 

Henry: I can't wait to see my girl, Olive.
Damon: I bet she's a real peach. And yes, Henry, I have a girl. She's in a Sleeping Beauty spell. Long story. So here's what I'm thinking - why today? Of all of Damon Salvatore's greatest hits, this farmhouse kerfuffle was barely a B-side.

 

Damon's letter:
Stefan,
Never write me again.

 

Stefan: Is Elena's influence on you so weak that you can't tell right from wrong without her holding your hand?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Damon: I know what you're going to say to me. You're going to say I screwed up so bad, I nearly killed all of our friends because I thought I was stuck in that fake hell world.

Stefan: You don't have to explain. It wasn't your fault.

Damon: Huh?

Stefan: It was an honest mistake. You're getting a pass.

Damon: Wait. You skipped a bunch of stuff. First I'm supposed to say I see the error of my ways and then you tell me that that's not good enough, then you judge me harder and then I say something mean but true.

 

Tyler: You guys have got to be kidding me. This is still my house.

Damon: Tyler Lockwolf.

 

Damon: You started hallucinating me as a waiter? I mean, I couldn't be a manager or something?

 

Damon: I have no desire to kill Caroline. I mean, not since the last time I tried, but we can all agree that was a huge misunderstanding.

 

Bonnie: Did you buy off the registry?

Nora: You mean that list of demands? No, see, I refuse to purchase anything called a milk warmer so instead I bought these tiny little socks that for some reason look like lace top sneakers.

 

Stefan: When were you going to tell me that you lost your grip on reality?

Damon: I just did. I like to use visual aids.

Stefan: You need to tell me what you're going through because it only gets worse from here.

Damon: Worse than you envisioning me as a waiter? What was I next? A busboy? A valet?

 

Caroline: So that's why you're hallucinating [Damon]? Because some faux version of your brother is upset with something you did in a fake reality?

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Damon: Cooper, have you ever done something so unspeakably horrific you couldn't even look at yourself in the mirror? Like it literally makes you ill to see your own reflection? Be honest now.

Cooper: I ran over my girlfriend's cat a couple months ago and didn't tell her even though it was an accident. I threw the body in a supermarket dumpster.

Damon: I killed the love of my life, burned her alive while she was asleep. I also beat one of her best friends unconscious and left him for dead if we're keeping score.

Cooper: I think I'm just gonna go.

Caroline: Omigawd, I love you.

Stefan: Are you talking to me or are you talking to the fries?

Caroline: Do you want me to lie to you?

Penny: Here's your wallet, keys, and phone. P.S. Your Match.com notifications are blowing up.

Bonnie: Ohio. Are you sure this isn't a prank?

Bonnie: Why announce herself with a cryptic postcard? Isn't the element of surprise a basic principle of good vampire hunting?

Mary Louise: Since when do you eat disgusting garbage food?

Nora: Since I stopped caring about getting that exact reaction.

Nora: [Rayna] was spelled to be a vampire hunter by a shamans. They created that sword for her and imbued her with extraordinary strength.

[Valerie examines Caroline's dessicating hand]

Valerie: Well, that's not good.

Yeah, DUH! That's why we called you. Can you just be witchy and fix it?

Bonnie: A nuthouse for the criminally insane. Seems promising.

Bonnie: Do we actually have a plan here?

Mary Louise: We find [Rayna]. We kill her. You'll probably just watch.

Mary Louise: Do you like her?

Nora: Bonnie? And what if I did? She's beautiful, smart, and loyal. You appear to be only two of those things.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Damon: That's all the bourbon.

Krystal: Vodka, you're up.

 

Bonnie: I need a drink and a buddy, and currently you are my only buddy available to drink. You'll notice I'm overlooking the fact that you nearly killed me the last time we hung out, so thanks for that. You're out of bourbon? How is that possible? Someone celebrating Julian's very timely demise? Stefan didn't tell you? He put a chair back through his heart.

Damon: That's an oldie but a goodie.

 

Damon: Heard you have a thing for the grannies.

Enzo: Hilarious. I'm looking for Bonnie. She's not taking my calls.

Damon: Hold please. [to Bonnie] It's for you.

Bonnie: Tell him I don't deal with shady old lady corpse stealers.

Damon: I'm sorry, she's busy. I'm going to have to take a message.

Enzo: Yeah, I'm looking for Rayna Cruz's sword. Let's just say it's beyond urgent.

Damon: He wants the sword.

Bonnie: Of course he does, because shady people like shady tchotchkes.

 

Stefan: Valerie's plan is to channel enough magic outside your body so that the babies are drawn to it. That way they don't resist when the doctor tries to pull them out.

Caroline: Funny, I didn't hear one medical word in all of that.

 

Damon: Enzo, remember Thanksgiving of '53? We were locked in neighboring cells and I told you that I was thankful for you through that little hole in the wall. I take that back.

 

Rayna: May I have my sword, please?

Damon: Ooh, looks AND manners.

 

Alaric: What do you mean [Caroline]'s surrounded by heretics?

 

Damon: You look a lot like my girlfriend and her three doppelgangers.

 

Damon: You know what was on my list of things to do today? Buy more bourbon.

 

Damon: So now you and Tyler are a dynamic duo?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Damon: As if ruining [stefan's] life wasn't enough for me to worry about, now I get to wonder when you and Valerie exchanged numbers.

Matt: Tell me you at least appreciate the irony. I need your help because there's no sheriff's department. The reason there's no sheriff's department is because you killed all the sheriffs.

Valerie: Then yes, I do appreciate the irony.

Mary Louise: Once again the two of us have to worry about a psychotic huntress who will kill any vampire in her sight. Maybe this [bag of chips] will be a quick, sodium laden means to my end.

Alexandria: Poor thing. So desperate to embrace the modern world but so unable to grasp the concept of cell phone tracking.

Damon: You know [stefan] has a girlfriend, right? Blonde, sweet, cute as a button, you're not actually her?

Valerie: [stefan]'s in New Orleans.

Damon: Doubtful. We only go to New Orleans for crappy booze and Klaus blood.

Bonnie: You knock me out then offer me ice? What's wrong with you?

Caroline: What kind of a diner runs out of ketchup?

Tyler: Those aren't going to stop me, Damon. The second I turn, you're as good as dead.

Damon: You don't think I know that, Copernicus?

Damon: Off to dream of squirrels and Milk Bones.

Bonnie: What happened to you? When did you become this person?

Enzo: This person? As opposed to the other person you were so fond of?

Klaus: [Rayna] will pursue you until your paranoia and despair far outweigh your desire to live.

Klaus: What's your stance on hand me downs? We've got a chest that was once owned by Louise XV that's being wasted on my daughter's outgrown onesies. Any interest?

Klaus: My family challenges the boundaries of my sanity. They drive me to do unspeakable things, all the while finding fresh and inventive ways to torture me.

Damon: Easy, boy. I do not want to kill you.

Tyler: Why? Because Elena will dump your ass?

Damon: It would be a waste of a perfectly good IV stand.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Damon: I'm a man with a plan.

Bonnie: Does it have to do with killing Rayna the huntress?

Damon: I'll never tell. But yes.

 

Penny: What the hell did you do?

Matt: It's okay. [Damon]'s a...

Damon: Awww, you almost said friend! How sweet.

Matt: His brother's a friend.

 

Rayna: What's next? It puts the lotion in the basket?

Damon: It wouldn't have to if it would just stay dead.

 

Damon: I"m in a bit of in a pickle here, Ray. I got big plans.

Rayna: You buy a time share?

Damon: Kind of, actually.

 

Stefan: That [herb] I know.

Valerie: A witchy hallucinogen. A borderline recreational herb. Stefan, I misjudged you. You actually do have fun.

 

Bonnie: If you try to disable my magic again, you'll wish I only cut off your hand.

Enzo: I see Damon's obscenity is rubbing off on you.

 

Bonnie: I'm sorry, did I hurt your feelings by lying about my true intentions for being here? Feels crappy, doesn't it?

Enzo: What did you do?

Bonnie: I didn't do anything. Damon, on the other hand...

 

Damon: I'm not happy about you going against my wishes but I do suppose that me lecturing anyone on respecting authority-

Bonnie: Where's Rayna?

Damon: In a moderately shallow grave. I got tired of digging.

 

Penny: So there are good vampires and bad vampires?

 

Damon: You want to talk about Mr. Huntress now? Turns out I'm very interested in this particular moment.

Rayna: He was a vampire.

Damon: Well what do you know? Vampire/human affairs are my specialty.

Rayna: They're mine too. They don't work out in the long run, considering I staked him.

 

Damon: I couldn't maybe get like a "I just saved your life" head start?

 

Damon: If I could kill you, this would be a much fairer fight.

 

Stefan: I'm impressed. I didn't think you'd be able to kill [Rayna].

Damon: Actually my exact message read, "She's taken care of."

 

Damon: The good news is the Armory has her and they're not going to let her escape.

Stefan: Except for that time they did.

 

Damon: I know this is a crappy way to do this, but I'm a crappy person so I guess it fits.

 

Bonnie: Are we friends?

Damon: Of course, Bonnie. We don't actively try to kill each other anymore.

 

Bonnie: As you dessicate and as you feel the pangs of hunger, as the blood drains from your body, that's what I want you to remember - that you hurt me.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Damon: #yourewelcome. Are hashtags still a thing? I don't know. It's been three years.

 

Valerie: Best case scenario, we save your life. Worst case, we have a long vacation.

 

Rayna: There's still time for me to help you.

Stefan: Well, here's an idea - why don't you stop chasing me?

 

Enzo: I haven't stolen anything. Seems to me you've just lost track of your possessions.

 

Stefan: As much as I love catching up with you, I do have to resume escaping from a serial killer.

 

Stefan: You did just say you spent the last three years spying on me.

Rayna: The Armory doesn't have tv. What else was I going to do?

 

Enzo: I'll text you and Stefan the coordinates for the hostage exchange.

Damon: I'm loving your James Bond vibe.

Enzo: I didn't miss you at all.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Valerie: The [phoenix] stone is destroyed and Stefan with it.

Damon: We don't know that.

Valerie: Yes, we do, if we have logic and sense of reason and a brain!

Damon: Stefan's dead and I'm responsible which means I'm going to spend the rest of eternity haunted and doing penance and seeing my own self loathing reflected in everyone else's actual loathing.

 

Valerie: I see I've been charitable in assuming you have a brain.

 

Stefan: Oh, I get it. I'm a vampire with control issues and alcoholism is a metaphor for my blood lust. Now we're getting somewhere.

 

Alaric: We were out! Three years - no stabbings, no hostage swaps, no supernatural threat breathing down our neck.

 

Damon: Flip through that.

Faux Stefan: What is this?

Damon: It's your journal. See if anything jogs your memory.

Faux Stefan: "Day 57 of being pissed off at my garbage heap of a brother."

Damon: Just go ahead and read it to yourself.

 

Damon: I don't want to spend the rest of my life babysitting a cheap knock off of my brother.

 

Valerie: Do you have any pictures of Stefan?

Alaric: Why would I have a picture of Stefan?

Valerie: Not you. Caroline. Don't tell me she hasn't kept some bloody sentimental keepsake.

 

Stefan: I guess I forgot how much being a human actually sucks, how everything hurts all the damn time.

 

Stefan: Suck on that, Marty, you miserable drunk!

 

Faux Stefan: I may have forgotten what you've done, Damon, but I do remember this - you are my flesh and blood. I love you, brother.

Damon: Cut the crap, buddy. I know you're not Stefan.

Faux Stefan: Awww, it's a shame. I was just warming up.

Damon: I give you points for being a quick study.

Faux Stefan: I can't take all the credit. You did give me the handbook. In all seriousness though, your brother truly truly hates you. Listen to this. "I have resigned myself to never seeing Damon again in my now finite lifetime and I have never felt so unburdened." Sounds like he doesn't care if he ever sees you again, which is perfect because I don't plan on giving up his body.

Damon: Well, fair warning - that hair requires a tremendous amount of maintenance.

 

Faux Stefan: How far is Memphis?

Damon: Memphis? Please tell me your name was Elvis. It would explain a lot.

 

Police officer: Who are you?

Damon: I'm a volunteer. Deputy Matt Donovan, Mystic Falls. A friend to my friends in blue.

Police officer: I've never heard of Mystic Falls. Never heard of you. Where's your badge?

Damon: You don't need to see a badge because Matt Donovan is the finest, bravest, least stupid cop you ever met and if anyone asks, that's the lie you tell them.

 

Stefan: A day late and a dollar short. You suck at playing hero, brother.

Damon: I guess I'm just not used to you being such a damsel in distress.

 

Valerie: For what it's worth, I'm rooting for you and Caroline.

Alaric: How selfless of you.

 

Damon: Don't tell me you don't appreciate the irony of this, you being human.

Stefan: Safe to say I don't appreciate it at this particular moment.

Damon: Tell me though. What's the worse part about being human? Is it leg cramps? Is it sniffles? Frostbite? What is it?

Stefan: How about the inability to compel people?

Damon: Yeah, that's a big one. Sucks having to play by the rules, doesn't it?

Stefan: Like you would know.

 

Stefan: What's wrong?

Damon: Nothing. It's all very normal.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Alaric: If you're fishing for information about Bonnie, I suggest you go straight to the source.

Damon: I totally would be she didn't leave a forwarding address in my storage unit.

Bonnie: I cared about him more than anyone else in the world. But it wasn't enough. He walked away like it was the easiest thing in the world to do. Then I found out he's back and he hasn't bothered to contact me. I think how could I have fallen into such a dark place over someone who cares so little about me? I decided I'm ready to move on. I'm not going to let that betrayal define the rest of my life.

Alaric: I'm really not interested in being part of your twelve step redemption tour.

Alaric: I'm not really a fan of your brother right now either. He broke Caroline's heart. He abandoned her.

Damon: Worked out pretty well for you, didn't it?

Alaric: They're together.

Damon: What?

Alaric: Bonnie and Enzo. They are together.

Damon: Together, as in someone kidnapped Bonnie Bennett and brainwashed her into a relationship with Enzo?

Alaric: Your Barbie dream phone is ringing.

Damon: We hit into a little bump in the road.

Ambrose: I hope that means you ran over Rayna Cruz and strapped her to the hood of your vehicle.

Ambrose: This sense of disappointment must be what it feels like to actually have you for a brother.

Bonnie: Damon was not my boyfriend. He was...I don't know what he was.

Virginia: That's even worse.

Damon: What is the point of having an emergency vehicle if you can't run other cars out of the way? Turn the lights on the top of the van, Frank!

Rayna: Magic doesn't behave like science. Don't shoot the messenger.

Ambrose: Portable stoves. What will they think of next? I think I'm really going to enjoy my life in this new world.

Ambrose: I've read your journals, Stefan. I know you're a deeply sensitive literary sort of fellow.

Virginia: As far as my family knew, Lucy Bennett was the only living witch in your line and she disappeared about four years ago. I'm not sure why we didn't know about you.

Bonnie: Well I was officially dead for a while. Then I wasn't. It's a long story.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo

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Damon: Lonely, cramped, like a prison cell. I can see why [Enzo] like it.
Bonnie: [Damon]'s welcome to go back to his musty old mansion.
Damon: And miss the chance to see this den of inequity? No.

Rayna: I'm right in front of you. You don't have to talk about me in the third person.
Damon: Okay, kookypants.

Alaric: I haven't been to the store for a while so unless you want a juice box or some string cheese, I suggest we go somewhere else.

Rayna: Your next target is in Richmond inside a bright clean room.
Damon: Oh yeah, I know exactly where that is!

Damon: His heart's not in his ankle, Bonnie!

Alaric: You're not going to answer [your phone]?
Stefan: Damon and I are in a bit of a time out.
Alaric: Really? After all that trouble he went through to get that psychopath out of your body?
Stefan: Well, he's half the reason that psychopath was in my body in the first place.

Stefan: Look, I made a choice back then and I think [Caroline] deserves to know what and why.
Alaric: Wow, that's really nice of you, Stefan, because I think she deserved to know the what and why before you stopped calling and broke her heart.

Damon: I'm trying to save someone who hates me.
Stefan: Which one? There are so many.

Stefan: Fore!

Damon: This Bonnie and Clyde and Clyde routine is really improving your aim.
Bonnie: I just picture your face as the target.

Alex: What are you doing here?
Enzo: Shopping for chairs, of course.

Alex: I need to get [Yvette] out of the vault. Bonnie can help me do that.
Enzo: Sorry, I don't mean to be callous but unless that vault has a well stocked kitchen, I'm afraid your sister's died of starvation.

Damon: Take a walk. Get a half caff soy-
Bonnie: And you still don't even know my drink!

Damon: And by the time you get back, Old Yeller will already be taken out to the barn!
Bonnie: This is so like you.
Damon: Which part? Classic analogies? Or that I don't ask permission for what needs to be done?

Enzo: I made a mistake. You made a choice.

Alaric: Don't try to get the band back together.

Alaric: Let me tell you a little story. When we moved to Dallas, Caroline joined a book club. It seemed like a good idea. At first it was once a week, then it was twice a week. Then she started coming home later and later. So one night I followed her.
Stefan: Sounds healthy.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: spacing was crazy after the forum upgrade
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Bonnie: I'm here to see a patient of yours, Virginia St. John.
Nurse: And what is your relationship to the patient?
Bonnie: She tried to kill me.

Enzo: Rayna's list is too long to kill each [vampire] twice.

Damon: Somebody taking out their aggression because Blondie left him on the front porch?
Stefan: Well, Damon, you're the authority on being hated so why don't you tell me how to deal with the situation?
Damon: Three little words - just don't care.
Stefan: That's funny coming from a guy working so hard to save his friend's life.
Damon: I can live with Bonnie hating me just as long as she lives.

Caroline: If you're looking for the crossbow bolts, I moved them in with the Halloween decorations about the same time that I relocated your shotgun from the kitchen. Stake guns and vervain grenades are in the mini van.

Stefan: Do you want me to find a decent radio station to cover up the silence? Or we can just talk about your vendetta against me.

Penny: What were you looking at?
Matt: Nothing.
Penny: Baseball score nothing or porn nothing? That was a pretty sketchy quick close.

Damon: Hey, Bon! How's your field trip to the nut house?

Stefan: Good news, brother. You can pack up your implements of destruction and punch your time card.

Enzo: You do realize by forcing her hand, you've just dashed any hope of Bonnie ever absolving you.
Damon: I didn't know it took so many words to say, "Thank you."

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Damon: Rayna screwed us. She failed to mention that by giving Bonnie her life, she was actually give Bonnie her lifestyle so now when Bonnie wakes up she's going to be Rayna 2.0.
Enzo: And does that gift begin with a very long nap?
Damon: I didn't get a chance to ask as she burst into flames.

Damon: The least she could do to thank us for saving her life is just open her eyes and let us know whether or not she wants to murder us.

Enzo: So one of us needs to delve into [Bonnie]'s self conscious and do what, exactly?
Damon: Convince her hunter brain that not all vampires are selfish vicious monsters, which is exactly why I'm the worst person for the job.

Caroline: Your body is safe in Damon's bedroom.

Caroline: I saw the postmarks on your letters, Stefan. Paris, Marrakesh, Bora Bora. I'm shocked you even had time to write between escaping certain death and sipping mai tais.

Caroline: All I want is for you to respect my choice not to run away.

Matt: You've got a lot of balls coming back to Mystic Falls.
Enzo: Bonnie is comatose on Damon's bed. Have your pathetic rules ever meant less?
Matt: Those rules are the last shred of what my fiance and I built together.
Enzo: Look, no disrespect to your dead girl but my still alive girl is hanging on by a thread.

Caroline: Did you seriously just vervain me?
Stefan: Yup.
Caroline: Is this a hostage situation?

Stefan: If you bring your family into this, you're putting them in danger too.
Caroline: If I leave them behind, then I'm abandoning them which is just as bad. Maybe even worse.

Damon: I'm surprised [Caroline] went anywhere with you.
Stefan: Well, jamming her with a syringe full of vervain might have had something to do with it.
Damon: Good call. Rinse and repeat as needed.
Stefan: If you're agreeing with me then I know I really screwed up.
Damon: Hey, doing the wrong thing for the right reason has always worked for me.
Stefan: I hate that you get away with it.
Damon: That's why we're a good team. I screw up, you get the cape.

Damon: Stop moping about who you are not and try being who you are, the guy that's in love with Caroline Forbes. You just vervained her, Stefan. In my playbook, that's a notch above flowers and chocolate because when you love someone, sometimes you have to go to those extremes.
Stefan: I know that you've been locked up in a coffin for the last three years of actual civilization but that is legitimately terrible advice.

Stefan: You have every right to hate me for what I did to you three years ago.
Caroline: And three hours ago.

Matt: I couldn't get in your head so I've been waiting out here to do it the normal way.

Damon: Whoa, did you raid a cosplay convention or something?

Bonnie: Matt's setting up a perimeter around the forest as we speak.
Damon: I'm not so sure you want to do that. Given Matt's track record, I'd say you've got about a 60% chance of taking on some friendly fire.

Bonnie: I'm going to dismember you. I'm going to set you on fire. Then I'm going to carve out your hateful heart.

Damon: I gotta hand it to you, sheriff. You're a better shot than Liz Forbes ever was, may she rest in peace.

Caroline: Can you love someone and leave them behind right when you need each other the most?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: removed spoiler tags after episode aired

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Caroline: If you kill the Everlasting, Bonnie dies. And so do for that matter.
Enzo: I've been told differently.
Caroline: By who? Someone who wants you dead?

Damon: Best case scenario - we destroy [the Final Everlasting] and everything goes back to normal. Worst case scenario - we all die and Stefan lives to tell the tale of our demise to the lovely Elena.

Stefan: Guys, it doesn't matter. Bonnie sealed the whole armory. You can't get in.
Damon: Don't tell me what I can't do.
[Damon tosses a lighter on the gasoline trail leading to the gas cannisters]
Damon: I can't get in. Plan B. Stefan, call your ex. Obviously not the one sitting next to you.

Damon: Let me guess. It's an ancient tentacled evil that will destroy our lives and the world as we know it.
Enzo: Don't be ridiculous. No tentacles.

Stefan: I haven't heard from Damon which means he probably has a plan that doesn't involve us, therefore it can't be a good one.

Enzo: This was the best you could find?
Damon: Best, no. Closest. yeah.

Enzo: Spot of turbulence?
Damon: More like interference.
[Damon dials his phone]
Stefan: Salvatore Airlines, may I help you?
Damon: You think you're clever?
Stefan: Considering the fact that I tracked down you, your pilot, and your plan all on a little bit of brotherly intuition, yes, Damon, as a matter of fact, I do.

Stefan: That's not love. That's fear.
Damon: You should put that on a greeting card.

Stefan: You know, if you're scared, Damon, you can go wait outside with the three year olds.

Penny: As screwed up as your life is, you're not even going to consider that I could be a ghost?

Caroline: He's Damon. Like a cockroach, he always survives.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo · Reason: removed spoiler tag after episode aired
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I'm doing a rewatch of the early seasons. I really should have written down some of the quotes to post here, but I only thought of it now. So here's a quote from the episode that I just finished.

Rebekah: "Do you think I want to spend what could be the last few hours of my life having idle chitchat with a girl who literally stabbed me in the back? Of course not. But for some reason everybody seems to want to bend over backwards to save your life. Which is incredibly annoying but makes you the perfect hostage."

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Rebekah to Klaus: "The Salvatores may fight like dogs, but in the end they would die for each other. At least they know what family means. You destroyed ours."

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Girl: Why do you drag me to these dumb superhero movies? There's too many. I can't keep track of who's who. Their names and their outfits and who flies and who turns to ice, who poops fire.
Guy: I'm just glad that vampire craze is over.

Damon on Fifty Shades of Grey: This is a really good book.

Enzo: Do you have any control left? Me, I'm down to about, I don't know, two percent.
Damon: No free will needed. I flipped my switch. Humanity off. I'm on full cruise control. I recommend it.
Enzo: So you really have nothing left inside?
Damon: Just my winning sense of humor and renewed appreciation for chick lit.

Alaric: Rarely is a secret tunnel just a tunnel.

Georgie: I had to try. Sexy dark tunnel, magical room, et cetera.

Damon: I am a fan of the homegrown art community. The wine is dreadful but people are nice.

Damon: Amazing use of red, by the way.
Enzo: Not every victim needs a monologue.
Damon: Well, we don't know that he's our guy yet.

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Stefan: So what does your boss think of your daily habit of tracking crime reports?
Caroline: I told her it's like a really dark version of Pinterest.

Bonnie: I know this story. Damon killed a pregnant woman. Worst thing he's ever done.
Caroline: Debatable, but it does make the short list.

Damon: Twenty questions.
Enzo: Go.
Damon: So I'm thinking of a person, reasonably good looking, charming accent, would be the most amazing wingman if he just got rid of his martyr complex.
Enzo: That's not how you play twenty questions. Regardless, your answer is either Jesus Christ or me.

Damon: I disagree with all of your opinions.

Alaric: Only in the armory do they do doodles in cuniform.

Alaric: I'm just getting used to the millennial work ethic.

Sarah: Isn't Caroline the same girlfriend that tried to have me murdered? Which obviously wasn't enough for a breakup.
Stefan: Look, she wasn't being herself that day.
Sarah: But she's better now so we should all just hit the road together? No thanks.

Alaric: If you want to be taken seriously in academia, you need to exit a room with a little more decorum.
Georgie: I'm going to show you something.
[Georgie starts unbuttoning her pants]
Alaric: Alright, that's the opposite of decorum.

Georgie: Do you believe in hell?
Alaric: As in a fiery place ruled by a guy named Satan? I think it's fair to say the evidence is inconclusive.

Georgie: You don't think I'm crazy?
Alaric: You don't even approach the threshold of the crazy I've seen.

Seline: Your work is important.
Alaric: That remains to be seen. All I have so far is a series of tenuous connections between a journal from 1790, my intern's secret tattoo, and unconfirmed reports of hell as a place that offers not only emotional turmoil but ancient mystical runes. Allegedly.
Seline: You don't date much, do you?
Alaric: It's been a while.
Seline: But you know where your intern's secret tattoo is.
Alaric: Only because of research.
Seline: No judgment.

Georgie: Hey, man, you owe me, and not just for the takeout dinner I had to buy on my paltry stipend.
Alaric: Is this intern swagger code for "Boss, I found something!"?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo
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Some oldies but goodies:

Alaric: This is a bad idea.
Damon: There's no such thing as a bad idea. Just poorly executed awesome ones.

Stefan: Why don't you, uh, call Alaric and let him know that his wife just showed up on his girlfriend's doorstep.

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Bonnie: You asked me to be your bridesmaid when I was ten years old.

Bonnie: I'd be honored to be your maid of honor! And not just because my main competition is in a coma until I die.

Sybil: So you got beat up by a girl.
Damon: Two girls if we're counting.

Caroline: We're going to need weapons, lots of them. The throne is empty.
Stefan: Right, yeah, sorry, I was childproofing. But the crossbows are still in the library

Caroline: Do you think we can get away with not inviting Damon to the wedding?

Caroline: I'm starting to consider a destination wedding. Try finding somewhere in Mystic Falls that hasn't been the site of a horrible atrocity.

Sybil on Caroline's wedding binder: This is really nice work. I'm not sure about riding in on a unicorn but I love this charmeuse and the tiara design is exquisite.
Caroline: Yeah, well, I made that in sixth grade so congratulations - you have the fashion sense of an 11 year old.

Sybil: You can't spell Damon without DAMN.

Damon: I can't tell you. I can't physically make myself form the words. That's the thing about Sybil. She's not big on free will. She kind of lojacked my brain. Whenever I try to form the words to tell you what's going on, it just comes out applesauce penguin.

Sybil: You know what was fun? Ancient Rome - the Coliseum. Gladiators - sweaty, oiled up men hurling themselves at each other. So hot.

Caroline: You just escaped over two hundred years of captivity. Why aren't you on a beach in St. Tropez sirening Channing Tatum to give you foot massages?

Caroline: [Sybil]'s not dead.
Bonnie: At least now she has to walk.

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Stefan: The all powerful siren imprisoned by a fork.
Sybil: Says the man that can be killed with a stick.

Sybil: It's all Damon, Damon, Damon. Aren't you even a little curious about who I am?
Stefan: No, actually.
[Me: NOPE.]

Alaric: What do you mean "two sirens"?
Sybil: I thought you were a scholar. Every single mythological interpretation of who I am mentions sirens, plural.
Alaric: Well, those same myths also say that you should have the lower half of a bird.

Damon: Oh, come on, man. Drop the act. We both know you're not going to kill me.
Matt: Why not? That seems to be your solution to everything. Maybe I ought to give it a shot.

Matt: For once, I don't care about your drama. I don't give a damn if you shut your humanity off. All I want to know is why you tried to kill my father.
Damon: In my defense, I didn't know he was your dad. I always thought you were a bastard.

Stefan: I don't believe you. Hell, the devil - none of it exists.
Sybil: Did you believe in vampires before you fell in love with one and became one yourself? That's the trouble with facts, Stefan. They're true whether you believe in them or not.

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Sybil: There you are. I was wondering when you would shift from creeper to participant..

Bonnie: I love [Enzo] so much. And I'm terrified of losing him.
Matt: You won't. Think about it. That siren absolutely erased Damon. She found whatever was good inside of him and crushed it. Then she tried doing the same thing to Enzo and he fought back, survived, and escaped.
Bonnie: I'm not so sure he escaped.
Matt: He will. He's a tough bastard.
Enzo: I'm not sure which one of you to kiss first.

Alaric: This is for Tyler.

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Stefan: Today we are going to do what people do on Christmas - we're going to eat more than we should and we are going to drink until our friends and family seem somewhat normal.

Damon: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, Ric.
Alaric: I killed you.
Caroline: WHAT?!

Caroline: Eggnog. I didn't have time to poison it.
Damon: You already poisoned the bourbon with milk and cinnamon.

Damon: [Alaric and Matt] buried me in a shallow grave not even in the family plot!
Stefan: It's a little hard to be sympathetic about your death when you're standing right in front of me.

Stefan: So this is hell? My living room?

Caroline: Well, Damon's alive, as you can see, Bonnie and Enzo are late, and Stefan's dead. Merry Christmas!

Damon: I was just asking Peter what's the worst thing he's ever done.
Alaric: Oh, well mine was not making sure that you were permanently dead.

Caroline: Damon, drop this stupid game.
Sybil: But humiliating public confession is so fun!

Damon: You left your son, you abandoned your family, and your answer to the question, "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" is "Uh, I guess I gambled and cheated on account of my dishonesty"?

Damon: What are you going to do, Donovan? Kill me again?

Cade: You took a good girl whose life was headed down the right path and you veered her right into the median.

Cade: Good people who can be made wicked, they are evil at their core.

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Damon: Hi, I'm Damon, and I have anger issues.

Damon: Clarity over cleverness, that's what I always say.
Stefan: You've literally never said that before.

Damon: What are you doing, meditating?
Stefan: It's called self-control, Damon. No dripping blood equals no temptation. I'm doing it right this time. Heads will remain intact.
Damon: That's a very fine line - or a very fine neck membrane.

Caroline: Are you mind controlling these kids?
Sybil: I made them love history!

Sybil: I want to teach you history. Why else would I have told your boss to send you here on an assignment?
Caroline: The news assignment came from you.
Sybil: I just said that. You mustn't have been a very good student.

Stefan: I did some internet stalking. Turns out Tara's mom and dad were killed in a car accident ten years ago. It was a hit and run. They never found the driver. I told you she was driven by something dark.
Damon: All I've heard is sad, Stefan. I haven't heard dark.

Sybil: You can't save them all - torches, lighter fluid.
Caroline: Yes, I know how fire works.

Tara: You're dead.
Damon: Technically you're not wrong.

Stefan: I gotta say, I'm disappointed.
Damon: Well, that's your resting state, Stefan.

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[Sybil calls Damon's cell phone]
Damon: The evil lackey you're trying to reach is no longer at your service.

Sybil: I'm going to need you to pause your murder spree of brotherly love.

Seline: I have the bell. You have the tuning fork. Together we're like chocolate and peanut butter.
Caroline: Or peanut butter and garbage.

Caroline: Tell me you still have the tuning fork.
Dorian: It's called the Staff of Arcadius.
Matt: That's yes in nerdish.

Caroline: It should look effortless, ladies. And don't forget to smile - but not because society tells you you have to, but because you're happy to be at such an illustrious town event.

Stefan: This stupid pageant is the day that Damon realized that he could take Elena from me. In his mind, this place, this event, was the beginning of their vomit-inducing love story.
Sybil: I thought I'd erased her influence over him from start to finish.
Stefan: Take it from me, Elena Gilbert never really goes away.

Sybil: When this is over, Damon, you are going to thank me for sparing you so much pain.
Damon: Or murder you for squatting in my mind.

Dorian: How dumb do you think I am?
Selene: On a scale from Matt to Alaric, you're right in the middle.

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