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Hit the Quotes: "She Was a One Night Stand That Lasted Ten Years"

Hee, I expect that this will be full of quotes from Kyle!

Ahsha: I'm gone a week, I come back, and you're married?
Kyle: It's that old story. Boy meets girl, girl strips at boy's club, girl marries boy, and boy pulls a scam for 3/4 of a million dollars and goes to prison. Yeah.

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Ahsha: The new guy's hot.
Derek: You have terrible taste in men.

Pete: You hate basketball.
Lionel: First of all, I don't hate basketball. Hate implies investment. I'm apathetic. Second of all, get over yourself. They're showing a tease of my new movie during the broadcast.
Pete: The porn? That doesn't come out for months.
Lionel: It's not a porn. It's a psychosexual drama that's based on an international best selling book series.
Pete: Full frontal?

Zero: Can you spot me? Every act of good will is a step towards salvation.
Jelena: I don't do saving.

Zero: I'm just trying to get the most out of life.
Jelena: The most endorsements.
Zero: You are absolutely without a doubt the sexiest woman I've ever laid eyes on. It would be an honor and a privilege to get to know you - in the biblical sense.

Pete: Lionel, she was a one night stand that lasted ten years.

Raquel: Oscar has kids?
Jude: Kid. Singular. He never mentioned me, huh?
Raquel: Well, we don't really hang out so...

Pete: You're nervous.
Sloane: I can't afford for my first at bat to be my last.
Pete: Baseball metaphor in a basketball arena? That should get you fired right there.

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Kyle (after catching Derek and Ahsha together in the gym): FYI, that door locks.

Jelena: We're not canceling.
Sloane: First, we don't make my decisions.

Kyle: He just bought the rights to Pez. Not the dispensers. Just the candy.

Pete: You said Olivia was duller than her natural hair color.

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Teddy: When I bought Lucky Charms, there was a box with a maze on the back. That was awesome.

Chase: I did not kill [Olivia].
Police officer: We found the shovel that was used to bury her in the trunk of your car.
(Did we just magically get transported to Rosewood where possession of a shovel is an arrestable offense?)

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Lexie: Gag on that irony.

Kyle: That Lexie is as twisted as Enrique Iglesias's, well, let's just say I've seen things.

Lexie: Go find yourself another sucker. This one's mine.

Kyle: If a woman is hiding a secret, it's in her purse.
Guy: Well, how do you know which one is hers?
Kyle: Tacky knock off full of crap, just like the one that carries it.

Lexie: Is that my purse?
Kyle: It fell! And look what rolled out! This is for acne. I thought you were a natural beauty.
Lexie: I am. I take it to stop sweating. I dance hard.
Kyle: These are tanning pills.
Lexie: For the vitamins!
Kyle: That's a weight loss pill. I don't think they even make that anymore.
Lexie: For energy! I have so many projects in the works. I'm killing it.
Kyle: You're killing your baby.
Lexie :What are you talking about?
Kyle: Pregnant women can't take any of these. They cause horrible birth defects. Either you're a horrible mother or you're not really pregnant. Which is it, Lexie? Are you trying to hurt your baby?

Kyle: I know you don't understand, but you dodged a bullet. A fake crazy ass bullet.

Zero: What could be more satisfying than laying naked with me?

Zero: You are so cold it's almost sociopathic.

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Jelena: This woman will not die. I've been cordially invited to the reading of Olivia's will tonight.
Terrence: What would she leave you?
Jelena: A warehouse full of bandage dresses and estrogen patches?
Terrence: Not even a little respect for the dead?

Alicia: You can have him. Hope you enjoy your trip to Lake Flaccid! He can't get it up!

Beau: The rest is so you can go back to school and become a sex therapist. He said clearly you have a gift.

Jelena: I'd rather have whatever disease this charity event is for than go to [Olivia's will reading].

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Kyle: You got a good face, a great job, and you don't have to blow into a breathalyzer to start your car. These days, that's all some women can ask for.

Jake: I'm sorry.
Kyle: For what? Lying to get me into bed? Or for whatever it was you thought you were doing to me in that bed?  Or for dragging me here for what I can only imagine is a carnival of creepiness?

Terrence: You texted?
Raquel: Yeah, listen. I was supposed to have lunch with Jelena but she canceled.
Terrence: So you want to have lunch with me?

Zero: Aren't you glad you came? For a minute, I thought you only existed naked in bed.

Derek: I know who Monika with a K is. I used to have sex with her. I've had sex with Monicas with Ks, Cs, and one with a silent Y.

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Pete: I had a drink hours before I went to pick up Miguel and suddenly [Raquel]'s labeling me an after school special. That's why we broke up.
Lionel: I was in an after school special once with Crispin Glover and the daughter from Mr. Belvedere. That was tragic.

Hank: What you're looking for is depravity, my strongest suit.

Jelena: It's like Spartacus vomited on Superfly.
Kyle: Isn't it beautiful?
Jelena: It's the height of taste and class.

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Kyle: Did you hit your head or should I?

Lionel: You're an idiot.
Pete: You married me!

Lionel: I know it took me a little while [to sign the divorce papers] but I was perusing the cases at Montblanc to find just the perfect pen.

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Kyle: Up the Rear? Epic Saddlebags? Silky Summit? They sound more like porn titles than horses' names.
New Mark: Why don't you just choose them all? That's what I do. $1000 on each horse.
Kyle: Sweetheart, I don't think you know how betting works.
New Mark: I've got enough money, but you can never have enough people eating their hearts out when you win.

Raquel: I'm not illegal! I'm undocumented.

Zero: People love a reformed sinner if you cry hard enough.

Jelena: The flat tire was impressive. Did you wear a do rag when you did it?
Ahsha: I knew you set me up.
Jelena: I knew you'd make it easy.

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Zero: Jude, you're gay.
Jude: What? I'm not gay.
Zero: You kissed me.
Jude: No, I didn't. Not like that! You were upset.
Zero: You kissed me on the mouth. Jude, it's cool. You're barking up the wrong tree, but clearly barking.
Jude: I'm not barking at anything.
Zero: Jude, it's fine. You're gay. Be gay!

Kyle: I love being part of something with so many zeroes.

Jude: Sorry I had to get pushy. Just looking out for a client.
Danny: No, I thought it was cool. I think that you're cool. Like really cool.

Kyle: Dumb men love dumb women.

Ahsha: German's my go-to because he didn't throw coke in my purse and he didn't put me in jail.

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Lionel: You have to take me [to the premiere] now! You're tolerable, you're handsome, you're not going to try to get me into bed - you're the perfect date!

 

Lionel: Body double? You mean I didn't have to do all that nudity myself?

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Ahhhhsha: Was there an earthquake I didn't feel?
Sloane: I was just rearranging things.
Ahhhsha: Onto the floor?

Derek: Drown, bitch.

Ahhhsha: We'll probably get stoned but we'll look hot.

Jelena: You were digging into Oscar the entire time. I should have known you had some other reason for being here because it certainly wasn't talent or knack for the job.

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Lionel: Do you boys ever wear shirts?

Lionel: Thanks for coming, Sloane. So nice to see you.
Sloane: You're not that good of an actress.
Lionel: Yeah, I phoned that one in.

Lionel: I'm branding myself as team owner, the tastes great less murderous Kincade.

Lionel: I'll let you get back to your spirit fingers.

Jude: They should have them put more bronzer on you. There's only so much photoshop can do.

Raquel: Miguel got in the toy closet.
Kyle: He's a five year old boy. It happens.
Raquel: Not his. Yours.
Kyle: That was organized and color coded! I am traumatized!
Raquel: You're traumatized? I spent ten minutes convincing him those beads were a Christmas decoration.

Pete: Hey, don't you knock?
Ahhhhhsha: Why would I think my mom was getting freaky?
Sloane: Why would you think she wasn't?

Ahhhhsha: Kyle's place is a clown car. If immigration comes by, they're going to wonder who the random black girl is sleeping on the couch. I need to get out of there. It's a crime scene waiting to happen.

Raquel: Kind of ironic, no? You asking me to audition again considering you helped me get cut to begin with.
Jelena: You're saying a lot of words. Are you in or out?

Ahhhhhsha: My entire family works here!

David Wallace: My card.
Sloane: My door.

Jude: I don't work for Derek anymore. We're not even friends unless "DROWN BITCH" is a term of endearment.

Derek: I am Derek Roman. I need a deal that reflects that. I need serious kiss my ass money. I need to choke on the dollar signs.

Kyle: You were amazing!
Raquel: You were amazing!
Kyle: We were amazing!

Kyle: I'm afraid I'm going to cut your throat while you sleep.
Raquel: I'm afraid I'm going to do it while you're wide awake.

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Jackson: Terrence, you want me to invest a lot of money in you, not buy you a beer. It's going to take a lot more than stories of your glory days to get to my ATM PIN.

Kyle: What idiot would trust this idiot to make a movie? Teddy Reynolds can't even drive his car down the driveway without taking half the house with him.

Kyle: I guess I'm Team Derek.
Raquel: I guess I'm Team German.
Ahhhsha: Okay, well, I'm Team Ahsha.

Kyle: What are these?
Teddy: My storyboards for the movie.
Kyle: It's a bunch of stick figures doing it.
Teddy: Not all the same way.

Jelena: Arson is still illegal, right?
Terrence: That saves me from asking my first question.
Jelena: I'm in wedding dress hell. Nothing cheap champagne and a frontal lobotomy can't cure.

Lionel: Bang up job on the contract, Jude. Hey, did you get banged in the process? Or are you banger? We've actually never talked about that.

Zero: I am team captain now.
Jude: Captain?
Zero: Does the power turn you on?

Zero: I'm going to swing by Jelena's restaurant to celebrate. Maybe Terrence will be there and I can rub it in his face. You want to come?

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Lionel: You're a Devil girl again. Yay.
Ahhhhhsha: You want me back again?
Lionel: No.
Ahhhhhsha: Jelena?
Lionel: I can see you've been taking stand up classes during your time away.

Terrence: It's way past time I beat your ass.

Oscar: You're late.
Lionel: The guards were under the horrifying impression that this was a conjugal visit. I couldn't let them know this is a marriage based on blackmail so I just told them you were impotent. You're cranky.

Lionel: Read between the lines, Oscar. Your happiness no longer concerns me.

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Beau: You can't split profits if there aren't any, so we need to make sure that the movie of your life is a bigger turd than Juwanna Mann.
Kyle: Well, making Teddy the director was a good start. He's off scouting locations. Poor thing thinks he's creating a masterpiece.
Beau: I'm shocked he thinks at all.

Beau: You know all famous writers, they go to Big Bear and they lock themselves in a cabin and they just pound away at their screenplays.
Kyle: I suppose a decent script is important.
Raquel: You know I'm completely aware you're talking about sex, right?

Lionel: The delusion! How big must their egos be to think they can pull something off like this?
Jude: I wouldn't underestimate them. After that game 7, Terrence is a god. And Jelena, she's-
Lionel: A deranged bitch.

Sloane: Jelena is a snake, the kind that can't even be bothered to unhinge her jaw.

Zero: I love you, stupid.

Beefcake: Are these the auditions for 50 Shades of Kale?

Kyle: Writing is hard work.
Beau: What do you say we just cut and paste from Twilight and just change the names?

Beau: There are too many good looking guys here. We're supposed to be making a bomb, not a beefcake calendar.
Kyle: We need terrible actors, but I won't have ugly ones.

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Terrence: Let me explain.
Derek: Rot on the bench.

Lionel: I just paid ten lawyers to do absolutely nothing for me.
Jackson: Ten men couldn't satisfy you? I'm shocked.

Lionel: I don't dye my hair, jerk.
Jackson: No, you just marry older men to appear sprightly by comparison. Who pissed you off today, Lionel? I'd like to send them a thank you card.

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Lionel: If we have sex, I'm only going to be thinking about sticking it to [Jelena and Terrence] the entire time.
Jackson: Awkward. But I'm okay with it.

Reporter: Christian, bad boy, now you're gay.
Zero: I'm not gay.
Reporter: The video of you kissing your boyfriend has eight million views on youtube. And then there's that bath time pic on your instagram.
Zero: I'm with a guy, sure. Last year it was a girl. I like everything - everything except labels.

Zero: Devil Girl, right?
Raquel: Used to be.
Zero: You also used to be straight. Me too. Look at us now.

Ahhhhhsha: We could hit a vineyard. Or ride bikes. Or bike a vineyard.

Lionel: I want to throw Jude some love. And Jelena some battery acid.
Jackson: Mixed up with Jelena and married to Oscar. What the hell happened to you?

Lionel: [Jelena] offered me a way out. It happened to involve marrying Oscar.
Jackson: Sounds more like a prison sentence. You need to break out and sail to Fiji.
Lionel: You're an idiot.
Jackson: I'm a rich idiot who wants to see you out of that dress and onto a beach with no blood sucking cheerleaders in sight.

Zero: That's a passion project.
Jude: Gay energy water?
Zero: Thirst is universal.

Reporter: Zero, you agreed to a biography, not a coloring book.

Lionel: If you hurt [Jude], I'll drive my car so far up your ass you'll taste wiper fluid.

Kyle: I...I love you, Raquel.
Lexi as Raquel: No, I love you with all my vagina. I know you feel it too. We are lady lovers, Kyle.

Jackson: You ready for Fiji?
Lionel: I'd love to when I'm not so busy.
Jackson: Lionel, I own seventeen companies and I'm not too busy.

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Oscar: I'm so lacking for entertainment in here.
Sloane: Well, if you're relying on exercise and men wanting to touch you, I imagine it's pretty quiet for you.

Oscar: I don't know what's sadder - you trying to clear your name or you thinking I'd help you.

Brett: I love you, Kyle Hart.
Kyle: I appreciate that.

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Kyle: Ahhhsha's first move as captain was putting me in charge of today's dance.
Raquel: Have the Devil Girls ever worn nipple tassels?

Jude: I was gone one day and all hell breaks loose.
Lionel: It's not my fault that my assistant coach murdered someone.

Kyle: Hey, look at me. Still a virgin at something. Who would have thunk it?

Sloane: I'm giddy with anticipation.
Lionel: I'm willing to admit I went a little overboard when I told the press what I told them. I misunderstood your situation and I apologize. Could you possibly ease up on me with the press?
Sloane: I find it fascinating that you want my public support and this apology is happening in private.
Lionel: Let's be real, Sloane.
Sloane: You, real? This only gets richer.

Sloane: [German]'s not a killer.
Chase: And yet my wife is dead.

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Kyle: Excuse me, nurse. This woman is a heart patient.
Raquel: This is cardiology, Kyle. Everyone here is a heart patient.

Kyle: Well, hello, doctor. Which one are you? McDreamy? McSteamy? McHung?

Terrence: I want a boy that plays ball and a girl that dances. Or the other way around. I don't care.

Jelena: The last time we were in a hospital together, I was talking you through giving birth to Miguel.
Raquel: More like yelling at me.
Jelena: Encouragement comes in many forms.

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Kyle: It's Derek.
Ahhhhsha: I can't tell if that's a pro statement or a con statement.
Kyle: It's a chillax statement. You can't freak out every time his cell goes off. Keep it together!

Terrence: I love you.
Jelena: You just don't trust me.
Terrence: We have everything else. Maybe we don't need trust. I know who you are and I accept it.

Jelena: How did you get past security?
Ahhhsha: I told them I wanted to kick your ass and they waved me through.

Ahhhsha: Hate isn't strong enough for what I feel for you, you power grubbing bitch.
Jelena: You want to talk power grubbing? How about your move to be made captain? Captain of the Devil Girls, dating the captain of the Devils, All Star - sound familiar? Deny it all you want. I'm still your role model. Hate me? You want to be me.

Jelena: Sloan could go back to building soapboxes or clothes shopping blindfolded or whatever she does in her free time.

Jelena: Payback's a bitch, bitch.

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Pax: Coach, I am so sorry I'm late. My Maserati almost exploded on the 405. It's new. It has a seventh gear.

London: I'm not talking to reporters right now.
Kyle: Honey, do reporters dress like this? Just give me five minutes and I'm gone. Or I'll come back every day forever.

Kyle: Shame is overrated.

Derek: Want [a drink]?
Jelena: It's nine o'clock in the morning.
Derek: I'll put cream and sugar in it.

Jude: What do you think?
Jelena: The booth needs more sound proofing. If I hear [Lionel's] mouth, I'm boarding the doors with her inside.

Lionel: Bitch.
Jelena: Hag.

Jude: I wish you wouldn't poke the dragon.
Lionel: That was flirtation. Besides, Jelena's not going to raise one of her little elfin hands to the owner of the network that carries her games.

Jude: That divorce settlement was quite the pinata for you.
Lionel: It was. One whack and your dad and all these fun trinkets fell out.

Jelena: What's she doing here?
London: She has a name.
Jelena: She also has a reputation.
London: Look who's talking.

Lionel: I'm not asking you to date. I'm asking you to bone.

Lionel: If you don't bang someone tonight, I'm going to cut off your junk with something dull and rusty.

Noah: I'm not saying they're a bad team. I'm saying they're a horrible team. Pick a different city. Pick a different sport.
Kid: Are you serious? I've got a gun!
Noah: There's football, basketball. Ever heard of snooker? It's like billiards but with more balls and more British. Takes a lot of balls to say snooker's a sport anyway. The Olympics doesn't recognize it, but what do they know? They used to give out medals for solo synchronized swimming.

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Desario: You have quite the history with Miss Howard, huh? Some of it pretty public.
Zero: Find somebody who didn't have history with her.

Desario: You seem tense.
Jude: I always seem tense.

Desario: Word from the hospital. Looks like Miss Howard is gonna pull through.
Zero: Too bad whoever did it wasn't a better shot.

Ahsha: How would you feel about being my maid of honor? I know, marriage is gross, but you'll do it anyway because you love me?

Derek: How are you feeling?
Jelena: Bulletproof.

Jude: The fireplace will go here. The guest bedroom will go here. Here and here. And the baby's room will go here.
Zero: What the what?
Jude: Just seeing if you're paying attention.
Jelena: Where does the vomitorium go?

Jelena: I could've sworn I traded you.
Zero: Almost. Timing's everything.
Jelena: Lucky you. I hope you enjoy being demoted to team bitch. I'll make you a T-shirt.

Kyle: Remember, what happens tonight stays between us. We're sisters. And sisters cut the first bitch who squeals.

Lionel: Do I have to teach you everything gay?

Zero: I came up with a new story for you to tell the police. I'll tell it too so you won't have to worry about anything.
Jude: New story for what?
Zero: The night Jelena was shot.
Jude: Why would I need a new story? Wait, you think I would shoot someone? 
Zero: I know that there's nothing that you wouldn't do for me.
Jude: You think I would shoot someone for you? 
Zero: No. Maybe.

Jude: You're the single greatest thing that's ever happened to me, Gideon.
Zero: You too, stupid.

Sloane: Kyle, everything is beautiful.
Kyle: Oh, it's a day of miracles. The weather's perfect. I was able to replace the 12 doves I killed.

Jelena: Hello, Ahsha.
Ahsha: No. Nope. This is my wedding day. You will not ruin it.

Jelena: I came with a gift.
Ahsha: What?
Jelena: Miami, I'm backing off. Derek's free to go.
Ahsha: Why?
Jelena: Because that means you go too.
Ahsha: Derek is the Devils.
Jelena: Which should tell you how much I want you gone.
Ahsha: I can't believe it.
Jelena: Well, I can't believe you're wearing white, so we're even.

Jelena: Sloane, I'm a badass for taking a bullet from an unknown shooter. God forbid someone find out I was shot by some menopausal harpy.

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Jude: How could you bring [Derek] back? He's unpredictable.
Jelena: Is your issue that he's unpredictable or that he doesn't like you? Why I have yet to figure out.
Jude: He thinks I stabbed him in the back once.
Jelena: Did you?

German: Jelena's a lot of things but stupid isn't one of them.

Jude: Hey, got a minute?
Lionel: Not unless it involves you making sweet, sweet love. And I don't mean to yourself.

Jude: Has [Noah] been on tv before?
Lionel: If Carson Daly can do it, anybody can.

Lionel: You made your bed. Now you're trying to kick your little tramp out of it. Be careful, Jude. Your Kincade is showing.

Jamie: I didn't come here to be Kelly Roland.
London: Kelly Roland's a great friend of mine.

Eve: Lionel Kincade!
Lionel: Davenport.

Jude: I couldn't find my invite.
Derek: I ran out of spit for the stamps.

Kyle: If I see one second of this on snapchat, you will regret this for the rest of your lives.
Girl: What about insta?

Derek: You're quoting Freud now?
German: Freud, Lenny Kravitz, Kung Fu Panda, I don't know who said it.

Eve: Last night as interesting.
Lionel: Interesting is a word you'd use in a middle school book report.

Jamie: I didn't do it to hurt you. I did it to help me.

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Lionel: Cut the shots of Derek wearing his Miami uniform. This little match up is loaded enough.
Noah: Anything else?
Lionel: You're wearing too much cologne.

Lionel: If you'll excuse me, I have some body spray I need to choke on.

Noah: So in addition to being a liar, you're a hoarder too?

Lionel: Noah, put your clothes on. You look like a tramp.

Landon: Straight flush - like your career.

Noah: When Jamie said she had someone for me I didn't think it was Chris Banks. You're a movie star.
Chris: I know. Exciting, right?

Noah: I didn't know you were gay.
Chris: I mean, what is gay?
Noah: Someone who has sex with other men.

Chris: I'm a private person.
Noah: I've seen your penis on imax.
Chris: The body is a beautiful thing. I mean, my body is a beautiful thing.

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Pax: That looks like swamp water.
Kyle: Tastes like it too. Chugalug, buttercup.

Jamie: I love that you love hiking.
Noah: No one loves hiking.

Noah: How much stuff can one person possibly have?
Jamie: Says the guy with three boxes of Playstation stuff.
Noah: Four.

Noah: I already started interviewing people around you. Most either don't know you or don't like you.
Jude: I could have told you that.

Jude: You seem to be enjoying the idea of prying into my life.
Noah: Not only am I enjoying it. I'm getting paid for it.

Jamie: What good is doing good if no one's there to see it?

Landon: So delusional doesn't just apply to your fashion sense.

Jude: All that's missing is a Sarah MacLachlan song.
Noah: I couldn't get the rights.

Noah: You were in a pretty public relationship with a Devil.
Jude: It wasn't public.
Noah: You made out on the Jumbotron.

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German: Ahh, the ISNYs, the night the sports world gathers to celebrate their greatness - because gold medals, trophies, and Heismans just aren't good enough.

Noah: Lionel put me on sideline duty [at the ISNY awards]. I'll get to interview Usain Bolt, Serena Williams, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Jamie: You mean harass.

Jude: The commissioner wants Pax's head on a stick but Derek says he needs him so basically my two choices are to ruin my relationship with the league or ruin my relationship with my number one player.
Lionel: Well, Derek already hates you.

Pax: I didn't know that Leah was married. I definitely didn't know that she was married to [the commissioner]. How was I supposed to know who she was? You didn't even know who she was. You saw her at the arena and yelled at me for talking to her.
Kyle: Black Chanel bag, red bottoms, makeup by Home Depot. Yeah, I remember.

Kyle: You should lay low.
Pax: But the ISNYs are tomorrow.
Kyle: You can watch at home in your underwear just like last year.

Lionel: I'm gone for a week and [Eve and German] happens?
Jude: You and German?
Lionel: And me and Eve.
Jude: ....
Lionel: Not at the same time.
Jude: Eve?
Lionel: Really? You don't think German's more surprising?

Jude: Does this mean I'm your hag now?

Kyle: So when I said "lay low," you thought I meant buy a tux, get your teeth whitened, and show up at the biggest awards show of the year?
Pax: I also got my nails buffed.

Pax: I wasn't going to come but then Jamie asked me to be her date.
Kyle: If she asked you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Pax: Naked and on fire.

Pax: I need [the commissioner] to know what kind of guy I am.
Kyle: The kind that would sleep with his wife for $20,000. He got it.
Pax: I have morals.
Kyle: I need the license plate of the turnip truck you just fell off of.

Eve: How many people can say they had their first date between Irv Gotti and Gabby Douglas?

Landon: Interesting that everything I have is everything you want. Seems to be a pattern.

Lionel: See if one of those snowboarders is sober enough to hand out the award.

Eve: Because of the Devils, my mother is in the ground and my father might as well be.
Derek: What happened to Olivia and Chase is because of Olivia and Chase. They brought it on themselves.
Eve: You shut your mouth.
Derek: You mother couldn't. She was a blackmailer. She pushed and pushed. Eventually someone was going to push back. Olivia Vincent dug her own grave.
Eve: How dare you?
Derek: You don't need justice. You need a shrink to deal with the fact that your parents chose a life in the hellmouth instead of a life with you.

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German: I didn't know you even know this room existed.
Lionel: I didn't. I had you geotracked.

Jamie: Did you seriously text me here to watch you take a bath?

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Derek: How did you even meet [Pastor Curtis]?
Jamie: Christian Mingle.

Derek: A real man protects his woman. You threw yours to the wolves and hid like a bitch.

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London: Who do I charge for having to pick clown hair from my nails all night?

London: Girls like you bug the shit out of me. Someone else's success is your failure.

London: I was wrong. Maybe you are Viola Davis.

Beau: The only thing I can't handle more than kids is babies. They get their mouth juice on everything. Their nose juice. They just got a lot of juice.

London: Not even if Jesus returned, threw down some cardboard, and started break-dancing on this very spot.

London: I clearly didn't slap you hard enough the last time.

Kyle: You're gonna be a daddy. 
Beau: Huh?
Kyle: And cupcakes.
Beau: What?
Kyle: Maybe if your super sperm weren't so darn aggressive hammering away at my poor, defenseless eggs.
Beau: You're pregnant?
Kyle: I'm gonna need you to grasp this just a little quicker.

Derek: Where's the rest of your stuff?
London: I plan on being naked. A lot.

Derek: You gonna make me wait for godfather or what?
Kyle: Mmm, just running your credit after that yacht buy.
Derek: I have twelve other cards and an off-shore account in the Cayman Islands.
Kyle: Goddaddy, come here!

Eve: Poetic, no?
Lionel: Eve, this isn't poetic, it's stupid.

Eve: Everyone is staring at as.
Lionel: They're staring at you because you've been a huge bitch.

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