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Jessica Jones Quotes

Jeri: I also received a call from Spheeris' attorney. Spheeris claims you, and I quote, "lifted his car overhead and threatened him with your laser eyes."
Jessica: Pathetic.
Jeri: Did you threaten him?
Jessica: Yup, with my laser eyes. And he believed that bullshit. I could have said my hands were blenders. Clearly, there's no IQ test for owning a strip club.

Gina: My marriage is over. We don't even do oral anymore.

Jessica: You know why I live alone?
Neighbor: People don't like you?

Jessica: Excuse me?
Nurse: Sorry, I got a fecal situation in 602.
Jessica: This is my first day. I can't mess it up. Dr. Carter already hates me.
Nurse: Dr. Carter?
Jessica: He's the new Head of Oncology. Please.
Nurse: Well, just... Ugh, make it quick.
Jessica: It's this computer system. It's nothing like my old hospital.
Nurse: Where are you from?
Jessica: Seattle Grace.
Nurse: Like on TV?

Jessica: Omigawd, you're relentless.
Trish: Well, I take that as a compliment.
Jessica: Then you heard it wrong.
Trish: Okay, try this. "Thanks, Trish, for fixing my door. It was very thoughtful of you, given there's a maniac on the loose."

Jessica: Yoga's not exercising. It's stretching.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.

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Jessica: So just how unbreakable are you?
Luke: On a scale from "I don't know" to "I'd rather not find out."

Luke: So what else can you do? Can you punch through a wall? Can you stop a moving car?
Jessica: A slow moving car.
Luke: Can you fly?
Jessica: It's more like jumping and then falling.

Jessica: Do you know any drug dealers?
Luke: I own a bar in Hell's Kitchen. What do you think?


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Manager: What do you want?
Jessica: The same thing as you.
Manager: For you to quit?
Jessica: Actually it's better if you fire me and give me six months' severance pay and a glowing recommendation..

Jessica: I need to update my resume. Would you put day drinking under experience or special skills?


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Simpson: I can help.
Jessica: Thanks, but I don't need you.
Simpson: Uh, yeah, you do.
Trish: No, she doesn't. [to Jessica] But seriously, he could be useful.

Jessica: This is a safe house? It looks like a '70s furniture outlet.

Simpson: I borrowed it from a buddy. No rental record. Nondescript. False plates.
Trish: Your basic pedophile's kidnapping van.

Trish: Fine, be the naked superhero. That can be your alias.
Jessica: Well, it's better than the name you came up with.
Trish: Jewel is a great superhero name.
Jessica: Jewel is a stripper's name, a really slutty stripper. And if I wear that thing, you're gonna have to call me Cameltoe.

Simpson: If anyone walks up, just pretend to be on the phone. Do not engage.
Jessica: She's a celebrity She's used to dealing with weirdos. [looks at Simpson] Usually.
Simpson: Yeah, well, she's dealt with you all these years, so...
Trish: Okay, let's go back to tense silence, I think.

Jessica: If Kilgrave gets me-
Simpson: I'll take you out.
Jessica: I was gonna say, "Dart gun me." But sure, shoot me in the head.


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Luke: Are you high?
Malcolm: I wish.

Jeri: Were you just rude to Pam?
Jessica: I'm rude to everyone.

Jessica: I prefer repression.
Malcolm: And self medication.


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Jessica: Jazzercise?
Malcolm: Running actually helps with sobriety.
Jessica: Sobriety blows.

Robin: [Jessica]'s a sexual predator! [Ruben]'s just a boy!
Malcolm: In his 20s.

Trish: Just let us handle it until-
Jessica: Until what? Until I come home and find my landlady choked out in my bathtub? Or I find you bludgeoned to death with my vacuum cleaner?
Trish: We both know you don't own a vacuum cleaner.

Kilgrave: I'm new to love but I know what it looks like. I do watch television.


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Jessica: I will not stay in a house with slaves.
Kilgrave: Oh, now you're just being sanctimonious. Tell Jessica whether or not you are happy with your salary.
Laurent: Absolutely. I make twice as much as my last job, from which I was fired due to a drinking problem.
Kilgrave: See? Some of us give people a second chance.

Kilgrave: How do you people live like this? Day after day, just hoping people are gonna do what you want. It's unbearable.

Jessica: I'll be having a liquid dinner. Another bottle, please.
Kilgrave: You ever think you might drink too much?
Jessica: It's the only way I get through my goddamn days after what you did to me.
Kilgrave: You blame me for your drinking problem?
Jessica: It's the truth.
Kilgrave: Come on, it wasn't all bad. I mean, certainly it ended roughly.
Jessica: You call making me murder a woman "ending roughly"?

Kilgrave: You knew [the bomb] was here?
Jessica: Lucky guess.
Kilgrave: Well, my lucky guess is that it was Trish's missing Officer Simpson. He would have killed sweet little Alva and Laurent, too.
Jessica: You've killed more people as an afterthought.
Kilgrave: I've never killed anyone.
Jessica: You use your powers to compel murder.
Kilgrave: Oh, to-may-to, to-mah-to.

Jessica: I just can't handle another death on my conscience. Even if it's yours. You'd know the feeling if you had a conscience.
Kilgrave: I have a conscience. It's... just more selective. I care if you die. The rest are fungible.

Wendy: I built everything around you. And now you're not there. You have Pam, and I have nothing.
Jeri: I'm sorry.
Wendy: Well, I'm going to have to ask you to say that with cash.

Police officer: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?
Kilgrave: We can go about our business. Move along.
Police officer: Move along.
Jessica: Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Kilgrave: But cooler.

Jessica: You can't kill him.
Kilgrave: No, but he can kill himself. The man's clearly insane. He is never gonna be a productive member of society.
Jessica: That is not for you to decide.
Kilgrave: He will go to prison and feed off the tit of the taxpayers.
Jessica: You've never paid a goddamn tax in your life.
Kilgrave: Fair enough. All right.

Edited by The Crazed Spruce. Reason: Removed link to quote site

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Client: There are lizards wearing human skins and taking over the government. You have to stop the dinosaur people. They already got Jay-Z.

Malcolm: I say we find the adopted son.
Jessica: Nope.
Malcolm: We can afford to take a pro bono case.
Jessica: That will just attract more sob stories and nut jobs.
Malcolm: Meaning people in pain who actually need our help.
Jessica: Let it get personal and the whole case goes to shit. A good PI needs objectivity. Take the case. Take the clues. Take the cash.  What are you doing? 
Malcolm: I'm writing that down. It was pithy.
Jessica: That wasn't a lesson.
Malcolm: Of course, cause why would you help me get better at my job?
Jessica: It's MY job.
Malcolm: So fire me for trying to build something with you.
Jessica: I keep trying to fire you, but you keep not being fired.

Malcolm: Risk management? 
Jessica: It's a more pretentious name for a PI.

Pryce: You might want to hear the offer before you piss on it.
Jessica: You don't want me. You just want to eliminate the competition.
Pryce: I never take no for an answer. 
Jessica: How rapey of you.
Pryce: I can't have you siphon off my clientele. 
Jessica: I don't want your idiot clients. I don't want most of my own.

Jessica: I have a new pro bono case.
Malcolm: Who's the client?
Jessica: Me.

Jeri: "Pretty good for a girl." I heard that a lot as a kid. Then I became a successful female attorney. Read: pretty good for a girl. But today, I see a sisterhood of founding partners. I see excellent lawyers who are stronger because we wouldn't stand for being pretty good. I see mentors raising the next generation of women, who, one day, will stand with us on a day like this, and see what we see: women in power.

Trish: I'm working on something new.
Ian: Medical experiment, shadow corp?
Trish: You can say IGH, Ian. They're not Voldemort. 
Ian: But they're all fiction.

Jessica: What is this? Crap on Jessica Day?
Trish: That's next month.

Trish: Jess, you're not a killer.
Jessica: I've killed. Ergo, I'm a killer. I don't even know what ergo means, but it sounded right.

Jessica: Why are you dressed like that?
Trish: Uh, we were on our way to a charity event when you called. 
Jessica: Shit. Sorry.
Griffin: Hey, don't be. There's just a bunch of illiterate kids waiting on us. What? Jess likes my black humor.

Assistant: I tried to reschedule. Your doctor won't move the appointment.
Jeri: Well, did you remind her that she owed me a favor?
Assistant: I emailed her assistant.
Jeri: Okay. Pick up an actual phone, remind her, and reschedule.

Jessica: I thought the Whizzer was just a wacko. I mean, who has a pet mongoose?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.

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Bartender: You drinking to remember or forget?

Douchebro: Wait, I'm so close.
Jessica: That makes one of us.

Trish: Sorry, I just I'm a little on edge. My mother does that to me.
Griffin: Your mother's a riot. And by riot, I mean soul-crushing python.

Dorothy: Sit.
Griffin: I actually just came by to say hi and make out with your daughter.
Dorothy: Well, that's not fair. What about me? 
Griffin: You know, I've seen that French film and I think we're gonna keep it A and B.

Dorothy: Careful, my darling. Your desperation is showing. 
Trish: I'm not desperate. 
Dorothy: Well, you should be.

Jessica: I said I wouldn't hit a guy in a wheelchair, but you're not in a wheelchair now.

Costa: Victim's name was Robert Coleman. Ever heard of him?
Jessica: He came to me. He wanted to hire me, but I was booked.
Costa: How shitty must you feel? Guy comes to you for help and winds up dead around the corner from you.
Jessica: I had nothing to do with it. Or him.
Sunday: Did you know he filed a police report claiming that someone was trying to kill him?
Jessica: How shitty must you feel?

Whizzer: You're always saying how powers are good, but you were wrong. With great power comes great mental illness.

Jeri: Do you believe in karma?
Sheena: You mean, like, bad shit happening to bad people?
Jeri: Mmm hmm.
Sheena: Nah I know too many bad people doing just fine.

Trish: If anyone asks, you're a PA. Production assistant. Just like what you do for Jessica, except on a movie set. 
Malcolm: You mean, getting yelled at and ignored?

Jessica: What did I ever do to you besides move your ugly fridge?

Jessica: Who was this guy talking to? Alien conspiracy sites, comic book fan clubs, Friends of Mongooses International, Trish?

Griffin: Now [Trish]'s in trouble. 
Jessica: Why do you think that? 
Griffin: My balls are tingling.
Jessica: There's medication for that.
Griffin: In my line of work, you learn to trust your instincts.
Jessica: Griffin, why don't you go home? She might be there.
Griffin: Don't manage me, okay? I know she's in trouble. 
Jessica: Because of your scroty sense?

Jessica: Tell me what you're up to, you toxic waste of space.
Dorothy: Living in the present, hon. You should try it sometime.

Jessica: What did she want from you?
Dorothy: Maximilian Tatum's contact information.
Jessica: How could you let her get anywhere near that pervert?
Dorothy: "Let her"? Please. But I trust him with her more than I trust you.

Simpson: It takes a monster to stop a monster.


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Trish: We're the only ones who even know Simpson's gone. He didn't have any family. 
Jessica: Well, IGH does have a type.

Jessica: Can I have another pillow?
Trish: You have seven pillows.

Dr. Tiboldt: As you exhale, I want you to imagine a safe place. Somewhere peaceful, calming. In your safe place, there is a door. Picture that door. Move toward it. Now, open that door. Open it and move toward your memories.
Jessica: I don't have a safe place. 
Tiboldt: Patients often choose a stretch of beach.
Jessica: Yeah, no. 
Tiboldt: Or their childhood home.
Jessica: Uh-uh. 
Tiboldt: All right. Where do you go to relax?
Jessica: Rudy's. 9th and 45th. Solid pours and they got free hot dogs.

Jeri: This is about Pam's lawsuit. Isn't it? I made it go away. What more do you want?
Linda: A little morality. 
Jeri: Oh, please. 
Benowitz: Let's keep this professional, okay?
Jeri: My name is coming off that door over my dead body. And that is not gonna happen soon, no matter how hard you wish for it.

Malcolm: We are so screwed.
Jessica: I'm evicted? Says who?
Malcolm: The super. Did you know it's illegal to run a commercial business out of a residential-zone property?
Jessica: Of course I did.

Malcolm: What are you gonna do? 
Jessica: I'm gonna handle it.
Malcolm: He'll never come around if you throw a fist in his face.
Jessica: That has not been my experience.
Malcolm: Time to update the resume.

Jessica: What is this shit?
Vido: Whoa! Pa, she said "shit"!
Oscar: Watch your mouth around my kid.
Jessica: Oh, like his bigoted father is some shining role model?
Oscar: You're breaking the law.
Jessica: You were all smiles, checking out the neighbor until you saw that I was different. That's called prejudice.
Oscar: You're not a protected class.

Franklin: You're gonna need people. No one goes through something like this alone.
Jeri: Well, allow me to be the first to try.

Trish: I love [Griffin], you know. Probably means he has a pornography addiction or a secret family in Iowa.
Jessica: Iowa?
Trish: Yeah, secret families are always stashed in flyover states.

Malcolm: Now, I've heard that you're a very reasonable man.
Eugene: Who said I was reasonable?
Malcolm: You have a stellar reputation, sir, in the building.
Eugene: Ms. Jones didn't say I was reasonable. She said I was an "entitled prick of a slumlord." That's a quote.

Malcolm: Next time you plan to objectify me, at least tell me first.
Jessica: That's not really how objectification works.

Oscar: You're one phone call away from jail.
Jessica: I'm not the one on parole.
Oscar: You looked into me?
Jessica: Alias Investigations. It says it right there on the door to my illegal business.

Jessica: I didn't know you were on parole when I brought the cops here. All right? I'm not an asshole.
Oscar: No? What kind of person takes advantage of a little kid's fantasies to get inside someone's apartment?
Jessica: I figured he'd be asleep.
Oscar: That's your excuse?

Griffin: Is okra a euphemism for sex?

Jeri: Never been to your place of business.
Jessica: Bucket list complete.
Jeri: I was hoping you'd see this, my trek across town, the ride in that urinal of an elevator, as an olive branch.

Trish: I am gonna go and meet the person who says she's Dr. Hansen. 
Jessica: No, you're not.
Trish: I don't need your permission.
Jessica: You saw what happened to Simpson.
Trish: This is our case.
Jessica: Then we should have discussed whether or not you go on the air and say, "Hey, IGH, I'm over here. Kill me."


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Malcolm: So how was anger management?
Jessica: Still angry.

Trish: Don't be mad at Malcolm.
Jessica: I'm always mad at Malcolm.

Jessica: I'm busy.
Vido: With superhero stuff? Are you fighting crime? Can you teach me superpowers? I'm strong. Can you push a building over? Are you bulletproof? How'd you get your superpowers? Are you an alien? Can you fly?

Griffin: That was insanity.
Trish: Well, it comes with the Patsy package. 
Griffin: Comes with the Jessica package. 
Trish: That is a combo package.

Jeri: Let it go. There's enough work for both of you.
Pryce: I'm not gonna compete with a freak show.
Jeri: Oh, gawd. You got beat by a girl. Deal with it.

Jeri: I'm asking if you have anything on Chao and Benowitz.
Jessica: I have life and death issues I'm dealing with over here.
Jeri: So do I.
Jessica: Well, I was looking over their expense accounts.
Jeri: You'll have to dig deep because my partners do not make stupid mistakes.
Jessica: I mean, Chao did charge a safari on company dime.
Jeri: Client gift.
Jessica: Benowitz has $400 on sushi. $2,000 on Broadway tickets.
Jeri: Mmm-hmm. Other client gifts.
Jessica: Jesus. He even spent 700 bucks on chocolate bars. Dude, where were my gifts when I was a client?
Jeri: You were pro bono. My time was your gift, which I don't have anymore.

Trish: I've had such shitty taste in men.
Griffin: Thank you?

Trish: Are you looking for reassurance?
Griffin: Never underestimate the neediness of the male ego.

Trish: My last five shrinks would say it's about needing the love of my mother. I could give a dissertation on narcissism at this point.

Oscar: Okay, so, for the record I don't have a problem with people like you. It was just you.
Jessica: Okay. Thanks.

Jessica: Your ex is a piece of work.
Oscar: We grew up together, you know? She used to be cool.
Jessica: Nasty doesn't just come out of nowhere.

Oscar: So how is it you are who you are? Hmm? Super?
Jessica: We prefer gifted.
Oscar: Really?
Jessica: I really couldn't possibly give less of a shit. But that's always the question. "What are you?" "How did you end up like this?" And, "Are you gonna kill me?"
Oscar: People actually ask you that?
Jessica: It comes up.

Jeri: There is a killer inside of me, and I will not give it control.

Pryce: I'll crack open the Macallan when you get here, bud.
Nick: The 18 or the 25? I got standards.
Pryce: Yeah? Since when?
Nick: I buy nice stuff. I just don't share it with you.
Pryce: The last scotch you bought came in a plastic container.


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Jeri: [The police] believe you know things you're not telling them.
Jessica: Yeah, it's called professional discretion.
Jeri: They will call it obstruction of justice. It's a probation violation.

Jessica: I'm not mad at you.
Malcolm: Have they got you on sedatives?
Jessica: No, I'm just trying something new. Apparently, I'm alienating.

Jeri: Your paranoia is exhausting.

Pryce: You're a killer.
Jessica: Not today, I'm not. Today I'm free. Do you know why? No, cause you're a shitty investigator. So go talk to the cops, go steal someone else's cases. You know what? Go beat off in the corner, because I don't give a dead moose's last shit. I'm gonna find the actual killer.

Jessica: You get Inez to Jeri Hogarth at this address. Tell her you're my associate.
Malcolm: Wait, did you just promote me?
Jessica: Maybe. 
Malcolm: Does it come with a raise? 
Jessica: No. Get going.
Malcolm: Whatever you say, associate.
Jessica: I'm instantly regretting this.

Malcolm: Look, I am not the person that you need to be running from right now. I'm just trying to get you someplace safe.
Inez: Yeah, that last place was real safe - except for the homicide out front.

Oscar :I don't think the woman that saved Vido's life is capable of murder. I still owe you for that.
Jessica: About that. I may need to collect.
Oscar :How about dinner?
Jessica: Like a date?
Oscar: Or just dinner? Or do you have something else in mind? 
Jessica: Let's say, hypothetically, I needed to get into a secure psych ward. 
Oscar: You want me to commit you? 
Jessica: As a therapist.

Griffin: What do you say, Trish Walker? I'm asking you to marry me. 
Trish: Thank you.
Griffin: "Thank you" means yes, right?

Jeri: You work for Jessica.
Malcolm: I'm her associate, Malcolm Ducasse.
Jeri: I didn't realize that Jessica had associates.
Malcolm: Well, I just got promoted. This is Inez.
Jeri: Please come in.
Inez: Hell of an upgrade from the last armpit I was staying in.
Malcolm: Just keep an eye on your TV. You take care of yourself, Inez.
Inez: You're the worst kind of person. You pretend to care but you're not about helping anybody except yourself.
Jeri: Sounds like Jessica's people skills are rubbing off on you. That's a good thing. I don't pay her to be popular.

Jessica: I gotta work. 
Oscar: What work? It's late.
Jessica: I think and I drink. It's a whole process.
Oscar: Well, let me get you started.
Jessica: Spañada?
Oscar: It's like sangria. Mama's favorite. Gets better after the third glass.
Jessica: It's actually the first thing I got drunk on. My parents used to keep it around the house.
Oscar: My first was rum. Killed mojitos for me.

Jessica: Fun fact - when an octopus is attacked, it ditches its wounded arm and just swims away. It's better to let things go before they drag you under.


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Jessica: Love isn't for the weak-hearted. It's for idiots. And murderers apparently. A wedding ring? So the creep and the maniac have found happiness together. Guess there's someone for everyone.

Jessica: There's a saying in my business: "Where there's an ex, there's always a why."

Oscar: Why are you really here, Jessica?
Jessica: I was too lazy to walk to the liquor store.

Malcolm: Morning. 
Jessica: What is that supposed to mean? 
Malcolm: I just said good morning. It doesn't take a PI or even a PI's associate to recognize a walk of shame. You left your phone here last night, you've got serious bedhead going on, and you're covered in paint. Banging the super, huh?
Jessica: How about you use some of those skills I've taught you to do something useful?
Malcolm: How about this? You thought that this ring was a wedding band, didn't you? It's not. It's a university class ring. I recognized it.
Jessica: From the university you got kicked out of.
Malcolm: They put me on academic probation so technically, I dropped out.

Jeri: Glad to see you're enjoying my gold-leaf truffles from Switzerland.
Inez: Ah, that's why they taste like rusty nails.
Jeri: Says the homeless woman who asked for a $100 T-shirt with holes in it.
Inez: It's distressed.

Jessica: If you want to yell or hug it out, I'm here.
Trish: Can we just focus on something else for a couple hours?
Jessica: Fine by me. I can repress feelings all day.

Jessica: Look, fish were hurt. People were terrorized.

Jessica: Dude has to drug her to get her into the car? Where's the romance?

Trish: You don't think he's controlling her, do you?
Jessica: A powered woman used as a weapon? Déjà vu sucks ass.

Jeri: I am done babysitting your homeless woman. She is filthy. She's a slob. She's manipulative.
Jessica: You're calling someone manipulative?

Trish: That looks more like a cast member from Hair than a scientist. Are you sure that's him?

Trish: You know, Malcolm, you're doing a really good job. The private investigator thing suits you.
Malcolm: Thanks. I'm still learning, but-
Trish: I'm sure Jessica would tell you she appreciates you if she wasn't, you know, Jessica.

Trish: Encouraging people increases productivity, and it strengthens loyalty. You might want to try it some time before he quits on you.

Trish: How did you know he was going to be at the club?
Jessica: It's Sunday. What else do rich assholes with private golf club memberships do? Let's go hit some balls.

Ambrose: I'm taking a mulligan on that putt by the way.
Jessica: I don't care what that means.

Ambrose: Spray tanning and open-toed shoes - they've killed the hosiery market.

Jessica: The line keeps moving and I keep stepping over it How far is too far? And will there ever be a way back?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.

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Trish: You know, you could pretend at least. To like the video?
Jessica: Hearing it at 200 decibels doesn't improve the song.
Trish: That's so mean.
Jessica: I just I've just heard it too many times.
Trish: Well, if you don't have any nice words I mean, anything nice to say, just you know, lie.
Jessica: It got the It's Patsy theme song out of my head, so there's that.

Kourtney: You having fun?
Jessica: I'm having bourbon.

Guy: Champagne?
Jessica: I don't do bubbly.
Guy: That chick's bitter. I'm into it.

Jessica: Look, there are a thousand bars where you can get a highball.
Dorothy: I am here to support my client.
Jessica: You haven't been Trish's agent in years.
Dorothy: I'm talking about Kourtney, her backup dancer. Voice like an angel.
Jessica: After auto-tuning, of course.

Jessica: Is snake charmer on your resume?
Stirling: I can handle a little venom. You should see some of the assholes who come in here.
Jessica: Fair warning, I'm one of those assholes.

Karl: You still have too many side effects from the procedures
Alisa: Experiments. Let's call a spade a spade.

Stirling: You do have a middle name, right?
Jessica: It's private.
Stirling: What happens if you were kidnapped? How would I alert the media if I don't know your middle name?
Jessica: I will alert the media when I hang the kidnappers by their nut sacks.

Jessica: We don't need [Trish]. We can get money whenever we want. We can have anything. A club, a car, a pony.
Stirling: You want to steal me a pony? 
Jessica: Yeah, with an annoyingly cute name.

Stirling: How is two orders of orange chicken a snack?
Jessica: Because anything after midnight is considered a snack.

Jessica: The cops arrested those guys that were harassing him. They saw them leave the bar with him.
Trish: Would've felt better to kick their asses yourself.
Jessica: I did kick their asses. Maybe that's why they did this to him.
Trish: Jess, they did this because they're murderers.

Jessica: I've been calling you for 24 hours. Where were you? 
Trish: I was rehearsing for my tour. 
Jessica: You were high.
Trish: They're not mutually exclusive.


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Jessica: I guess gene editing didn't improve your taste in booze.
Alisa: Oh, yeah. The first time we left you alone to babysit Phillip, you drank half a bottle. Came home to find you hugging the toilet.
Jessica: Because it tastes like compost and air freshener.

Jessica: You have no clue who I am or what I've been through. I just look like someone you used to know.

Alisa: Remember when he got suspended? Your father wanted to put him on ADD meds.
Jessica: Phillip had ADD?
Alisa: Every kid with a pulse has ADD according to the pharmaceutical companies. Karl always gets worked up about that. The overmedication of children.
Jessica: Yeah, why medicate kids when you can alter their entire genetic code?
Alisa: Don't.
Jessica: Karl experiments on people who can't give consent.

Alisa: You locked yourself in your room all day, playing depressing rock.
Jessica: Nirvana isn't depressing.
Alisa: Oh, really? Didn't that guy commit suicide?

Jessica: Well, there were parts of it that seemed pretty perfect to me. Christmases. Thanksgiving. That weird marshmallow thing you made with yams.
Alisa: Yeah. Not even I can ruin what is essentially a vat of marshmallows, butter, and sugar.

Alisa: Teenagers are self-absorbed little assholes.

Alisa: He's texting and driving.
Jessica: That's what people do.
Alisa: No, what they do is maim and kill people when they get into accidents. You know better, I hope.
Jessica: I don't drive period so it's not really a problem.

Taxi driver: Don't get your panties in a bunch.
Alisa: Our panties? Grown goddamn women don't wear panties. We wear underwear!

Alisa: You really rejected your suburban roots, huh?
Jessica: I never really took to words like davenport or duvet.

Jessica: There's no manual that tells you what to do when your mother who's been dead for seventeen years comes back and is a mass murderer. I'm kinda winging it.

Alisa: I like the painting. Is that not okay with you? He seemed nice.
Jessica: He is a convicted criminal.
Alisa: No wonder I like him.

Alisa: Calm down, Jessica.
Jessica: Oh, great! The rage monster is telling me to calm down!

Jessica: Why would you waste perfectly good whiskey like that?
Alisa: You don't like hot toddies either? Maybe you're not my daughter.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.

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Alisa: I can finish this.
Jessica: You want to kill [Pryce].
Alisa: No, I don't want to. But I should.

Alisa: Kidnapping. All you, by the way. We're both in this now.
Jessica: No, we're in some shit, but I'm not in anything with you.
Alisa: I just don't want my kid to go to prison.
Jessica: Well, I don't want my mother to murder anyone else.

Alisa: Karl usually does [my chains at night] for me.
Jessica: How romantic.

Jeri: Have you ever been to Tokyo?
Inez: Between nursing school and being homeless? Haven't really had the chance.

Jessica: That thing about having your cake and eating it, too? Whoever said that probably didn't have cake that killed people.

Jessica: Are you high?
Trish: Are you drunk?
Jessica: I'm always drunk. But I'm not blind, and I know you.

Inez: I thought people who only wear black do that so they don't have to decide what to wear.
Jeri: I like to have choices.
Inez: Have you ever worn yellow? 
Jeri: Not in very, very a long time.
Inez: To prom? Please say to prom. 
Jeri: To a funeral, when I was eight.

Alisa: This is a sad excuse for breakfast spaghetti, but it's edible.
Jessica: Is this butter and jam?
Alisa: What? You used to love this. Just eat your spaghetti.

Shane: I need you to stop at a Chik-Fil-A.
Jeri: A what?


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Jessica: You single handedly almost took down IGH with a Patsy wig and a cell phone. How much more of a badass do you need to be?
Trish: You know the answer to that.

Malcolm: There's a hole in your soul, just like there's a hole in mine, so let's not use each other to fill it.
Trish: We're still friends, right?
Malcolm: I don't think so.

Jessica: How come you never told me any of this?
Inez: I didn't trust you. Turns out I was right.

Alisa: We went on our first beach vacation when you were 12. Do you remember? It was so nice to get away from my life for a while. Remember where we stayed?
Jessica: Yeah, that weird hotel where all the rooms had love themes.
Alisa: Mmm, the theme was prostitution.
Jessica: It was a hooker hotel?
Alisa: It was cheap. It was two minutes from the water. You loved it. You always were a romantic.

Karl: I married her. Here. In this room.
Jessica: She was legally dead, so I'm guessing that wasn't official.

Alisa: Is that your real hair color, or is it from a bottle? 
Trish: Both.

Jessica: I get back to my life.
Oscar: What does that look like?
Jessica: Drinking. Sleeping. Taking pictures of people cheating. It's all very glamorous.

Jeri: I didn't expect a happy dance, but a little gratitude would be nice.


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