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Quotes: I Have Misplaced My Pants

My all-time favorite:  "Stupid babies need the MOST attention."

Runner-up:  "She's saying, 'I AM A LEECH'."

(Mainly because I use both of those quotes in RL when I want to annoy my sister-in-law.)

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Since TWOP is no more we really need to bump up this thread. Here are some of my favorites.

Island leader: "Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?"

Scientist:  "Shut up!  That's why!"

 

Homer: "Don't rock the boat. Don't even get in the boat. Just buy some ice cream and walk about the pier. But don't go in the bathrooms, they're filthy!" - I kind of regret not using that one as my senior quote.

 

Agnes: "You're hooked on love, Marge. I know the feeling. Nine months later Seymour plopped out me. I would've kept walking but there were cops everywhere."

 

In Bart The Lover Homer's drunken love letter to Marge is hilarious.

"Maybe it's the beer talking Marge but you've got a butt that won't quit. They've got these big chewy pretzels here that are [drunken hungry mumble] five dollars? Get outta of here."

I think it's the way Dan ramps up about the pretzels. 

 

Lunch lady Doris: "There's very little meat in these gym mats."

 

"Purple monkey dishwasher."

 

Marge: "Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?"

Homer: "Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries."

 

Homer singing: "I like pizza; I like bagels; I like hotdogs with mustard and beer. I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer, la la la la la la la la who's that baby deer on the lawn out there?!"

 

Marge: "Can't we go anywhere without this family being associated with trouble? I have nothing to say to you."

Homer: "But Marge, I was a political prisoner!"

Marge: "How were you a political prisoner?"

Homer: "I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?"

 

Homer: "Bart, I don't want to alarm you but there may be a Boogeyman or Boogeymen in the house."

later when Marge walks in and sees everyone barricaded with a shotgun and a mattress.

Marge: "What's going on here?"

Homer: "Oh nothing, Marge. Just a little incident involving the Boogeyman!"

 

Homer: "Sweet merciful crap! My car!"

 

Mr. Burns: "Is it about my cube?"

 

Smithers: Well sir, where should we dump this batch....the playground?

Mr. Burns: No, all those bald children are arousing suspicion. To the park!

 

Troy McClure: If a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.

 

Homer (monotone): I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

 

Bart: Why do we need church shoes? Jesus wore sandals.

Homer: Maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.

 

Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.

 

Marge: I want to see what's bothering Bart, but I'm afraid of smothering him.

Homer: Yeah, then we'd get the chair.

Marge: That's not what I meant.

Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Edited by Iboatedhere.
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Homer: "I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?"

I actually say this when I am questioned about things by my husband. :)

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Moe: I'm more of a well wisher in that I don't wish him any specific harm.

 

Aide: Election in November.

Mayer Quimby: What? Again? This stupid country.

 

Lisa: Women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

 

Homer: Run Marge! Pump those crazy legs! - If I ever watch someone run a marathon that's what I'm going to put on my sign.

 

"Man alive. There are men....alive in here."

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Lisa, handing out bumper stickers.  "Vote for Quimby.  This time he's the lesser of two evils."

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Just yesterday my boyfriend rolled his eyes and grumbled that my entire life revolves around the Simpsons and quoting/paraphrasing them on a daily basis. Which is totally incorrect. I throw in Futurama quotes too. :-)

 

Iboatedhere, he runs marathons and I actually yelled "run baby! pump those crazy legs!" when he ran by me the last time he ran the Baltimore marathon a few years ago. He swears he didn't hear me.

 

And of course when we go to a theme park and park in a massive parking lot I tell him "now remember, we parked in the Itchy lot."

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You know Smithers, "I told you so has a brother." His name is "Shut the hell up!"

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One of my first non-Lost comments at TWoP was this quote:
"I can't live the buttoned down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odor - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called 'City Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
Favorite. Homer rant. Ever.

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Homer: Animals are crapping in our house and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war? That's not America. That's not even Mexico.

 

Marge: Homer, that's crazy lady that lives in our trash pile attacked me again.

Homer: That's not how she tells it.

 

Ray Patterson: Sorry I'm late. Someone tampered with my brakes.

Homer: Well then you should've been early.

 

Kent Brockman: What have you been up to, Lurleen?

Lurleen: I spent last night in a ditch.

 

Barney: Jesus must be spinning in his grave.

 

Homer: Come on, Marge! Less artsy, more fartsy.

 

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish and you lied and said I never had a goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

 

Krusty: Hey! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face!

 

Moe: You're too late. Beat it. Lousy civilians. I wish I could burn them all.

Quimby: Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.

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Since everywhere I turn there's a story about an uproar caused by a woman breast feeding in public I feel like this quote is appropriate:

 

Kent Brockman: Remember, an eclipse is like a woman breast feeding in a restaurant: It's free, it's beautiful, but under no circumstances should you look at it.

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Cecil:  Goodness, I had no idea.  For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade.  In a cave. With my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

Edited by ElleryAnne.
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The "folded faster than Superman on laundry day" quote is one that I use ALL THE TIME.

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The episode that came from was just on the other day. I remember cracking up when I was watching it with my kids, who naturally questioned my sanity.

 

They need to fold everybody's laundry in the house for a couple months and THEN they'll get that joke.

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I consistently use "Everything is coming up Millhouse" in my everyday life.  It's just too perfect not to use.

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I consistently use "Everything is coming up Millhouse" in my everyday life.  It's just too perfect not to use.

 

Me too.  I finally got my husband to use it.

 

My favorite quote ever will always be from Homer "I am so smart! S-M-R-T".  I say this all the time when I do something dumb.

 

I also use "Chesty LaRue" quite often too. 

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Bart: Is there a doggie hell?

Homer: There couldn't be a heaven without a hell.

Bart: Who's in there?

Homer: Hitler's dog and that dog Nixon had- what's his name? Chester?

Lisa: Checkers.

Homer: One of the Lassies too. The mean one. The one that mauled Timmy.

 

Homer: I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Bart: What about Abe Lincoln.

Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.

 

Homer: I know, you could march to Selma....and tell her she's ugly!

 

Homer: that's not a bug, that's the queen of something!

 

Milhouse: You don't want me to be with you, you don't want me to be with someone else, how miserable do I have to be before you're happy? < not a funny one but it resonated with me.

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It's not in the best episode, but Homer's "Look, I thought the cop was a prostitute" with his emphatic head nod always cracks me up.  It's as if there should be no more discussion after that.  

 

And when I say something incorrectly, I do try and say "Me fail English?  That's unpossible!"

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Bart: Is there a doggie hell?

Prior to that, when Homer was explaining Doggie Heaven, he said something I've used as recently as last week when discussing my dog being happy:

 

"And you can't turn around without sniffing another dog's butt!"

 

My kids enjoy that line as much as I do.

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A Star Is Born Again was on last night and had these gems:

 

Marge: Today's book is "Bridget Jones's Diary." Now, let's go around the room and analyze why we didn't read it.

Mrs. Krabappel: Cramps.

Agnes Skinner: All my friends are dead

 

Homer: Now who might you be? A tabloid...is that one of those really strong mints?

 

Cleetus: Your carpeted floor feels good on my toes.

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Homer: In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

 

Marge: [to Lurleen] If you ever come near Homer again, I'll strangle you with your own hair extensions. That's right, I know.

 

Homer: You tried and you failed miserably. The lesson is never try.

 

The title of this thread immediately made me think "Don't ya hate pants?!

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Some of my favorites:

 

Ralph: Are you still my friend, Bart?

 

Wiggum: Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.

Friday: That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down.

Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Friday: Uh, Chief? You're talking into your wallet.

 

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?

Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit. (since when has it been one?? )

 

Homer: "Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

 

Lennie: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence of... being a jerk."

 

Homer's Brain: Use reverse psychology.

Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: Okay, I don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: Okay I will! (nice )

 

Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)

 

Ralph: Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

 

Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! (hits tree) D-oh!

 

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."

Homer Simpson: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

 

Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.

Homer: Just taking care of business.

Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.

Homer: Homer Si... uh, Max Power.

Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!

Homer: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off of a hair dryer.

Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o' clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?

Homer: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.

Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?

Homer: Tie good. You like shirt?

 

Homer: Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No Tv and no beer make Homer go something something.

Marge: Go crazy?

Homer: Don't mind if I do!

Edited by AntiBeeSpray.
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Homer (sung to the Flintstones song): Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! (hits tree) D-oh!

 

 

I sing this in my head far more than is healthy. :)

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I work in Washington DC so I've used this one quite a few times - "I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work."

 

Oh, and since the anniversary of the Moon landing was a few days ago, every single time someone mentions Buzz Aldrin, I immediately think to myself - "Buzz. If that is your real name". 

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Scully: Homer, we're going to ask you a few simple yes or no questions. Do you understand?

Homer: Yes. (lie detector blows up)

Oh man, I love the X-Files episode of The Simpsons. Especially this part:

[Homer is sweating and running on a treadmill.]

Mulder: Scully, what's the point of this test?

Scully: No point, I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight.

Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.

Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

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Stage Hand: Hello, bands! Who is playing with the London Symphony Orchestra? Come on people, somebody ordered the London Symphony Orchestra...possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction.

 

Cypress Hill: Yo, did we order the London Symphony Orchestra? Uh, yeah, we think we did. Do you know "Insane in the Brain"?

 

London Symphony Orchestra: We mostly know classical, but we could give it a shot.

Edited by emma675.
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Homer: If anyone asks we're plumbers then start plumbing until they go away.

 

Homer's Brain: Keep looking shocked and move slowly towards the cake.

 

Marge: I'm just happy you're excited about something besides saving the whales. Face it. They're doomed.

 

Homer: I-Hate-You-Walt-Freaking-Whitman! Leaves Of Grass my ass!

 

Lisa: I no longer fear hell because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

 

Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.

Bart: We're all gonna die, Lisa.

Lisa: I meant soon.

Bart: So did I.

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Lisa: "Nuke The Whales"? You don't really mean that do you?

Nelson: Eh. Gotta nuke something.

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From the classic Marge vs. the Monorail episode:

 

Marge: Homer, I've found someone who can help.

Homer: Is it Batman?

Marge: No, he's a scientist.

Homer: Batman's a scientist.

Marge: It's not Batman!!

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From the classic Marge vs. the Monorail episode:

 

Marge: Homer, I've found someone who can help.

Homer: Is it Batman?

Marge: No, he's a scientist.

Homer: Batman's a scientist.

Marge: It's not Batman!!

 

That reminds me of:

 

Marge: What do you want for dinner?

Homer: Steak?

Marge: We can't afford steak.

Homer: Steak?

Marge: All right, steak.

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Marge: There's just something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.

Bart: Hello, mother dear.

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Whenever someone "retires" after they are long past their prime I think

"Krusty, why now?  Why not 10 years ago?"

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Homer: Marge, a bee almost stung me today I felt the wind go right by my ear...

 

Lenny: Man...I'm making record time. If only I had someplace to be.

 

Lisa: Okay, okay, not your fault. It's a bird thing. You don't control the birds. You will someday but not now.

 

Kodos: But tonight I say we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling, towards freedom.

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Homer: Am I turning you on?

Marge: No, Homer. I'm going to sleep.

Homer (in a deep voice): What if I talk like this?

Marge: Goodnight Homer!

Homer: What if I sing to you? (singing) I gave my love a chicken, it had no bone... mmmmm chicken.

Edited by emma675.
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"When I grow up, I am going to Bovine University"

That whole meat film and scene is hilarious.

"Just listen to this scientologist". "Uhhhh....."

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"Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, it'd kill you and everyone you care about."

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"Good news everyone! You don't have to eat meat. I made enough tomato gazpacho for everyone. It's tomato soup served ice cold!"

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Whenever I see a Taco Bell or Mexican food commercial come on TV, I always think "I am looking for something in an after dinner burito."  The seriousness with which he states it is what sells the line. 

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Homer: and that's when the chuds came at me.

Marge: oh Homer, of course you'll have a bad impression of New York if you only focus on the pimps and the chuds.

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Whenever I see a Taco Bell or Mexican food commercial come on TV, I always think "I am looking for something in an after dinner burito."  The seriousness with which he states it is what sells the line. 

Reminds me of when Moe is trying to impress Renee, "Hey, Hey Sabu! Bring us another magnum of your finest champagne and bring us the finest food you got, stuffed with the second finest."

"Excellent, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos."

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Lisa: Mom, are those rabbits dead?

Marge: No, they're just sleeping. Upside down. And inside out.

Homer: We're getting out of here now! Jump in Marge, trust me. Throw the kids! No time for the baby!

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Furthermore, to this beer, I would also like three of your finest, cheapest cigars.

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Homer to Mindy: "Maybe I want to, but then I think about Marge and the kids. Well, not the boy. He drives me nuts. Sometimes I'd just like to [makes strangling gesture!]"

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