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Quotes: Full Grown Alpha Male Douchebag

Caroline: All I know is that Damon is trapped in his own mind and his mind is a volcano of pain and suffering.
Matt: Yeah, well maybe that's what he deserves.
Caroline: You don't mean that.
Matt: Yeah, actually, I do.

Matt: No matter how many innocent people die, all anyone's ever concerned about is Stefan and Damon.

Bonnie: The inside of Damon's head looks a whole lot like the outside.

Caroline: I told you to stay away from me. What are you doing here [in the Salvatore mansion]?
Stefan: I made a mistake. I'm here to convince you to marry me....nah!

Caroline: We are trying.
Stefan: More like failing.

Stefan: Damon's humanity is on which means that he's all emo.

Caroline: Well, he's not at his favorite bar stool drinking imaginary bourbon to wash his guilt away.

Stefan: Oh and ripper tip - if you're plotting to murder someone, you should probably keep a lower profile.

Caroline: [Bonnie] asked for my advice. We just got a little distracted.
Sybil: Always the case when it comes to the things she wants, isn't it?

Matt: How badly do you want me to go to hell?
Stefan: Pretty badly.

Stefan: Seriously, Damon? A graveyard? Could your subconscious be any more generic?

Stefan: Sweet gargoyle, bro.

Peter: Can't you just find a way to forgive Damon?
Matt: Not in the next ten minutes. Probably not ever.

Sybil: You lied to me!
Stefan: Yeah, sorry.

Damon: How you feeling, sport?
Matt: Like I just had my head rammed into a giant metal object.
Damon: Hashtag you're welcome!
Matt: For the record, it's hard to thank you for something that's pretty much your fault.

Matt: You did just save my father and pretty much the entire town so that counts for something in my book.
Damon: Does that mean were good?
Matt: Not by a long shot.

Caroline: I am fully aware that Damon means more to you than I do.

Seline: Why am I here exactly? You are aware that I just tried killing you.
Sybil: Can we stop, please, with the snarkiness and the attitude and the petty revenge schemes? It's exhausting.

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Matt: I know Stefan's not himself - the sirens, the devil, the mind control. But it's still him that did all those things. It's hard to keep giving him a pass.

Bonnie: Caroline found my sixth grade bucket list. My tweener dreams were not that sophisticated. Meet Justin Timberlake. Audition for American Idol. Be on MTV's Spring Break.
Enzo: High aspirations indeed.

Dorian: You know I'm a person, right? Like I'm not just your human Wikipedia.

[Caroline tries to call Stefan]
Damon: Points for optimism.

Damon: Plan B didn't work. We need a plan C.
Caroline: What was wrong with plan B?
Damon: Well, apparently the devil can't be killed. At least not if you rip his heart out. Or set him on fire.
Caroline: I thought you said you weren't going to try anything stupid.
Damon: When did I ever promise that? Listen, in my defense, he did both of those things to himself.

Damon: There's more at stake here than just you or me or Enzo.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo. Reason: because there's no such thing as a "twener"
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Damon: You're going to have to kill me AGAIN if you want to stop me.

Damon: The clock is ticking on Stefan's life but by all means, let's give Donovan a physical.

Alaric: We're going to trigger Matt's visions by inducing a hypnotic state. If we're lucky, the answer's in his head.
Damon: Well, that would be a first.

Alaric: The sedative should be kicking in. How are you feeling?
Matt: Like I'm on the back end of a twelve pack.

Cade: Cutting it pretty close.
Damon: Story of my life.

Damon: Just between us bad guys.

Bonnie: How long have you been waiting here?
Matt: Not long.
Bonnie: Liar.
Matt: Seriously. I've been hypnotized, almost died of a heart attack, and lost the only means of killing the devil. And then I came here.

Damon: How does it feel to be a mere mortal?
Stefan: Hurts. Definitely hurts.
Damon: Heard they pumped you full of three pints of blood. I hope you saved me some.
Stefan: It's a good thing that wasn't funny otherwise I'd be ripping my stitches.
Damon: Well, why don't you take a seat? I poured you a painkiller-friendly drink and I'll sit with you and remind you how badly you always wanted to be human.

Stefan: If I can't figure out a way to forgive myself, I can't expect her to.
Damon: You'd be surprised. Bonnie's a much better person than you or me.

Alaric: Do you have any idea what you've done?
Damon: Yeah. I saved my brother, Ric. No apologies. He's human and if I'm lucky, I have about eighty years to make peace with the fact that he's going to die one day. All I could do was make sure that day wasn't today.
Alaric: Why do only seem to care about loss when it's your own?
Damon: Because, say it with me, Ric, I'M SELFISH.

Damon: Now you've got to have a bottle of bourbon stashed somewhere in here. I say we grab that, exchange a few half-assed apologies for all the crappy things we've done to each other, and make a plan to kill the devil.
Kai: Yeah, sorry to interrupt, but what if I told you I had a better idea?

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On 2/11/2017 at 3:36 AM, ElectricBoogaloo said:

Alaric: Why do only seem to care about loss when it's your own?
Damon: Because, say it with me, Ric, I'M SELFISH.

I thought that exchange was funny, but ummm Alaric, that describes ALL of you!

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Kai: Beer, burger. No, two burgers. No, two beers, three burgers. Are the fries here good? I remember them being a little soggy. Oh and a hot dog! Is that crazy? Whatever, I'll do it. Dog me! It's my special day.

Alaric: You murdered my wife.
Kai: Fiancée. It was mid-ceremony, but yes, yes, huge mistake, I see that now.

Damon: How about a little faith?
Alaric: Why don't you save that question for somebody who's never killed you?

Bonnie: First of all, by "us," you mean "me."

Kai: Did it sound like [Bonnie] missed me?

Former police officer: [describing Stefan] Intense guy, weird hair.

Dorian: Who gives a crap about your redemption? The damage is done, Stefan. The dead are dead.

Alaric: Care to explain to me why Twitter just notified me that cobrakai1972 is tweeting for the first time in four years from a diner?
Damon: Better question - why are you still following him? Don't worry. Bonnie's on it.
Alaric: Oh good. You roped her in too. I was hoping you'd maximize the collateral damage.

Waitress: You okay?
Kai: Yes, lactose intolerance. It feels like I'm being dragged back to hell by my colon. I can't go back there. You're on fire all the time and ghosts from your past come back to pull your skin off and occasionally on really bad days, you go face to face with Cade who is basically torture incarnate. This is all metaphorical, except the fire which is literal.

Kai: Man, the sirens. Were they hot?
Damon: Sure, if you're into cannibal divas.
Kai: I think I am.

Damon: Did I mention I'm trying to preserve my future with Elena by not killing anyone?
[Kai begins to laugh uncontrollably]
Kai: Damon, if you think that one more murder is going to seal your fate, then I have news for you. You are super deep in the karma hole.

Caroline: Are you sure you want to bring [the girls] to town? Mystic Falls isn't 100% safe yet.
Alaric: Maybe 100% isn't a realistic goal.

Stefan: I'm guessing you've never shot anyone before.
Dorian: Why? Because I'm staring?
Stefan: No, because you missed. You didn't hit anything fatal. It's going to take me a while to bleed out. A bullet to the head should do it. Or the heart if you want to avoid the mess.

Bonnie: I hope you're not planning on setting me on fire. I know that's a thing with you.

Matt: You should see the amount of animal attacks your mom logged. Probably ruined camping for an entire generation of Mystic Falls families.

Damon: We find a way to redeem you so you don't have to go to hell.
Kai: What are you talking about?
Damon: I'm talking about atonement. I'm talking about a giant noble gesture of selfless generosity.
Kai: I hate this already.

Kai: How do I know you won't ill me as soon as I do this?
Damon: You don't.

Kai; [to Elena's coffin] Hi, sleepyhead! Remember me?
Damon: Clock's ticking, creeper.

Kai: I've been in hell long enough to know there is no such thing as redemption. There are only promises and bargains and tricks we play on ourselves to make us believe that we're good people. I'm not a good person. I own that.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Kai: "Hello, Clarice."

Caroline: "How do we fix them?"
Kai: "Well, I chose to become a sociopath with a penchant for murder and mayhem but I take it you might want to steer them in a different direction?"

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Cade: You shouldn't talk to yourself and expect an answer. That way lies madness.
Damon: Speak of the devil.

Damon: Kai siphoned me like a juice box.

Bonnie: A good human skill is knowing when to shut up.

Stefan; Kai's dead.
Damon: Ish.

Damon: You were going to blow out of town without having an epic bro moment.

Kai: Crushed it. Literal mic drop!

Kai: How did you find me? Locator spell?
[Stefan holds up his phone]
Stefan: Yelp, actually. cobrakai1972 wrote, "Grunge music selection weak. Drinks even weaker." Then thirty minutes later: "Drinks getting better. Love this place! Microphone emoji, fireball emoji."

Kai: That's what I get for trying to put one over on a psychic.

Kai: Why would I trust you?
Stefan: Because you're afraid of him and I'm not.

Stefan: What took you so long?
Damon: Sorry, I went to put in a song.

Stefan: I don't even know if [Kai] can be killed, or whatever it is you do to a person who's already dead.

Stefan: Why the hell did Cade want to meet here?
Damon: Beats me. He doesn't wear the cape or carry the pitchfork so maybe this is his way of being dramatic.

Damon: You want to tell me why you're planning on leaving town?
Stefan: Nope, I don't.
Damon: Well, it's a good thing Caroline did.
Stefan: Look, me leaving Mystic Falls is the best thing for her.
Damon: I don't think she agrees.

Kai: Hello, Clarice.

Caroline: How do we fix [Josie and Lizzie]?
Kai: Well, I chose to become a sociopath with a penchant for murder and mayhem, but I take it you might want to steer them in a different direction?

Cade: You intend to kill me. How optimistic.

Cade: The human mind is weak and its flesh is even weaker.

Cade: I'm doing you a favor, Damon. This exact choice has defined your life since the moment that you and your brother first laid eyes on Elena. Being torn between the two has only brought botof h you an immeasurable amount of pain and suffering.

[Kai kicks Alaric square in the nuts]
Kai: Kai Parker don't fight fair.

Cade: There's no point in hiding, Damon. You're dead. Your soul belongs to me. I'm psychic, remember? I know you can hear me.
Damon: Hiding ain't my style, but annoying you, on the other hand - right up my alley.

Damon: Am I late for the group hug?

Kai: No, not the Spin Doctors!

Kai: So you guys pulled off, eh? Let me loose and I'll totally give you a high five. Are you here to punish me? Because that's kind of hot.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Dorian: I don't suppose you know where Katherine's bones are?
Damon: Huh, who would have ever thought she'd done us a favor? We've got every last one of Katherine's bones in the cave underneath the old church, left over from a traveler barbecue she had when she tried to possess Elena.

Matt: My parents are in town.
Caroline: Parents, plural?
Matt: Unexpected family reunion so now I've got two nightmares to deal with.
Damon: Gossip later, townies.

Bonnie: I can't watch you marry [Stefan]. I can't watch him be happy. And it's really hard for me to say I won't be there with you because you know I would do anything for you [Meatloaf sings: "BUT I WON'T DO THAT!"]. I can't do that to myself. I won't.

Damon: Sorry for the lack of exotic dancers.

Girl in bathroom: She told me not to post video but screw her. Everyone should know what a slut she is.
[sees blood in the sink]
GiB: Uh, what is that?
Kelly: It's disgusting, isn't it? It's what happens when you get older, die, come back from hell. It's really rough on the body.

Damon: Human Stefan is a lightweight.

Damon: Looks like I'm going to need a new drinking buddy.
Caroline: PASS.

[Stefan moans]
Damon: NO! That is a $10,000 rug.

Dorian: You look like you need bourbon. I should find some bourbon.
Alaric: Did I ever tell you why I came to Mystic Falls? I was hunting Damon. He killed my first wife. Then I found out he had turned her and that was what she wanted. Eventually I got past that.
Dorian: How?
Alaric: I guess I didn't have the energy to hate somebody forever. We've all made terrible mistakes in our lives, done things that no apology can heal but you just have to keep going, trying to find some new happiness no matter how much you've lost. The strange thing is losing those people is what brought us together. It's how we found each other. That's what made us family.

Caroline: [Katherine] snuck into our house?
Damon: She's a villain. What did you expect?

Damon: I believe the bride and groom have chosen to write their own vows.
[Caroline and Stefan exchange panicked looks]
Stefan: We haven't.
Damon: Just wing it. Go.

Kelly: [Damon] and I made out once. Super hot.
Caroline: A drunken toast from Kelly Donovan. Perfect, now it's a wedding.
Kelly: I've known Stefan Salvatore for years but I can honestly say I'm not sure what all the fuss is about. And then there's little Mrs. Perfect. Too bad your mother's dead. Maybe if you hadn't tried to cure cancer, she might have lived to see this moment.

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Damon: The fate of Mystic Falls lies with you and your family, so get on it.
Matt: Where are you going?
Damon: I'm anticipating your failure so it's kind of dumb to stick around.

Matt: This is Sheriff Donovan. Activate the evacuation protocol. Gas leak. Yeah, again.

Damon: No. No, no, no, no.
Katherine: Rude!

Katherine: That's for me to know and for you to dot dot dot.

Damon: Boiler room? There is a horror movie reference in there somewhere but it escapes me.

Damon: After 153 odd years, this banter that we have is just old so why don't we just skip to the part where you tell me what you want and we'll negotiate?
Katherine: I have everything I want, Damon. Or I'm about to. Once that bell rings, this stupid town will go up in flames and everybody will go poof. Well, they'll burn alive first and then their ashes will go poof.
Damon: You know, petty doesn't look good on a woman your age, Katherine.
Katherine: Oh, I'm not being petty. I'm gloating.

Katherine: I've missed this place - said no one ever.
Damon: I figured you'd keep showing up to annoy me. You're nothing if not utterly predictable.

Damon: Are you seriously going to sit here and argue with me about who deserves this redemption more?

Stefan: Let me do this for you.
Damon: No.
Stefan: Then let me do this for me.

Damon: I am the big brother. I'm sorry I wasn't better at it until now.

Damon: Not long now, demon spawn.
Katherine: You love this, don't you?
Damon: You have no idea.

Bonnie: It took some time but I think I finally figured this witch thing out.

Matt: They even gave me a bench.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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