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Elementary Quotes: What's Up, Holmes?

Ha, I can't believe we don't already have a thread for quotes!

Sherlock: Watson, this is Mason. Like many of his generation, he's named after a profession his parents would never deign to practice - Hunter, Tanner, Cooper, Mason, so forth.

Joan: I kind of feel like hugging you right now.

Sherlock: Yet as my friend, you know that would be a rash decision.

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From No Lack of Void: Season 2: Episode 20

 

Alistair: "At me too someone is looking, of me too someone is saying, He is sleeping, he knows nothing, let him sleep on."

 

Alistair is quoting Waiting for Godot.

Edited by MaryHedwig.
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Sherlock: Is love real?

Bella: I don't understand the question. Could I have more information?

Sherlock: Love. Surely it's a human construct. A hedge against the terror of mortality. I believe that. That doesn't account for the times I felt it myself. My mother. Irene. Even after a fashion, Watson. It vexes. Love is either a human construct or it's a real thing, right? I know you need more information.

Bella: The question cannot be answered. The concept of love exists. Therefore it is useful even if it is a human construct. It exists because it serves a need. A question that can be answered might be 'why is love needed'?

Sherlock: Why is love needed?

Bella: I don't understand the question. Could I have more information?

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Going off memory here, but this cracked me up...

 

Bell: So the hand comes (makes a "twock" noise) right off?

Sherlock (deadpan): That's not the noise it makes.

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From "The One Percent Solution" Season 2 Episode 16

 

Holmes: ... The Whitwood-Balseale executives were beef-witted sociopaths who managed to convince the world that playing 3 card monte was somehow a respectable profession.

Edited by johntfs.
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From The Deductionist (I think), by memory:

 

Holmes:  "My name is Sherlock Holmes; I'm a suspended consultant with the NYPD.  This is Joan Watson; she keeps me from doing heroin."

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From The Deductionist (I think), by memory:

 

Holmes:  "My name is Sherlock Holmes; I'm a suspended consultant with the NYPD.  This is Joan Watson; she keeps me from doing heroin."

 

Pretty sure that was from The Red Team.  I've been on an Elementary binge recently. 

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Thanks, Johntfs.  I watched the two back-to-back last night and couldn't remember which was which. 

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On the whiteboard:

 

BELLA

tomboy

mature for her age

bad liar

spends free time reading and listening to music

the most fragile human in the world

she has mental shields that protect her from the "gifts" that affect her mind

immune to supernatural powers of the mind

 

EDWARD

the "bad boy"

telepathic vampire

fastest vampire in the cullin fam

he can read the thoughts of those around him

noted to be extremely attractive

described as brooding and sullen

founding member of the Olympic coven

adoptive son of Carlisle and Esme Cullen

 

JACOB

the "nice guy"

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Sherlock: "You are very good at feigning innocence. Perhaps it's all that lying about the bees."

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Bartender: I remember she tried to get up to go to the ladies, she could barely walk.
Joan: That sounds more like she was roofied.
Bartender: I don't know. Our clientele's pretty upscale.
Joan: Right, because rape is only committed by poor people.

 

I love it when Joan drops truth bombs on people.

 

An oldie but a goodie from season 1's A Landmark Story, also from Joan: “No. I am dissecting a body in the middle of the night. We are not having a moment.”

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Watson: That's the sex blanket.

Sherlock: I have asked you not to call it that.

 

Bell: He was a driver for one of those ridesharing companies, Zooss. It's like the Greek god but with two Os and two Ss.

Sherlock: The dot com mavens will not rest until every word has been mangled. That's "word" with one O.

 

Bobby: Who dresses you, girl?

 

Sherlock: I'm trying to understand what could have caused her to violate our sexual contract so egregiously. Before last week, I hadn't seen her for months. Maybe she had a brush with death or a traumatic brain injury.

Watson: So now you have to have brain damage to want a baby?

Sherlock: Your words.

 

Sherlock: We are big brother incarnate, but trust us because our motives are purely financial.

 

Sherlock: Smell that.

Bell: The pavement?

Sherlock: Vomit.

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Watson: But how can you tell if Clyde likes it or not?
Sherlock: It's really obvious if you know what to look for.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Holmes: You cannot chew gum in my home.

Sucking Chest Wound: Seriously?

Holmes: Do I look like I'm joking?

 

Holmes: Protecting a collection of computer addicted narcissists from itself is a 24 hour a day endeavour.

 

Holmes: Brady Dietz, 29 years old, single, and fond of cartoon barbarians.

Watson: You forgot socially awkward and vaguely creepy.

 

Not a quote but from the whiteboard:

 

Music Clyde likes:

Brahms

Free to Be You and Me

Goatwhore

 

Music Clyde dislikes:

Carmina Burana

She'll Be Comin' 'Round the Mountain

Taylor Swift (all)

Jerusalem

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Sherlock: You're familiar with the vile practice of lawn ornamentation? The worst offenders employ garden gnomes - yay big, white beards.

 

Atomicism leader: I won't pretend that Mr. Boyd and I didn't have a contentious relationship. He took issue with the church on more than one occasion.

Sherlock: You mean he took issue with your cult?

Atomicism: He misused that term as well. It's just the kind of rigid, close-minded thinking that I preach against here. At one time or another, every great religion has been attacked as a cult.

Sherlock: So have most cults.

 

Marcus: You told Mr. Boyd that his attacks had begun a chain reaction that would lead to his removal from this physical reality.

Atomicism leader: We meditate here. We practice energy transference so when I wrote to him, I was merely absorbing his hateful energy and reflecting it back. Did I harm him physically? No. Did I appeal to the quantum source for swift and final justice? Perhaps.

Marcus: In other words, you prayed for the guy to die.

Atomicisim: It's not a crime, is it?

 

Marcus: Are you saying you deprogrammed her?

Sherlock: I would never use such a rigid and close-minded term.

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Holmes to Watson:   "Friendship, I’ve come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another.  It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain."

 

This was beautiful, both for explaining something of the relationships on the show - and as a great definition of friendship, period.  Bravo, show.

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Sherlock: I've always found Souza the musical equivalent of a leaf blower.

 

Bell: You two feel like knocking on the doors of a few drug lords this afternoon?

Sherlock: Yes, I do indeed but I have to take care of some personal business first.

 

Joan: And Clyde is helping?

Sherlock: Not really.

 

Alfredo: Now that we're friends, is it okay if I ask out Joan?

Sherlock: You're joking.

Alfredo: When I'm not being a sponsor, I'm pretty funny. Guess you're going to have to get used to it.

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From Season Two's "An Unnatural Arrangement:

 

Sherlock: I refer to most of the detectives here as "Not Bell."

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Watson (to El Gato):  The other day you told me Maribel was looking for a tall, handsome man,  But that was to keep us from taking a closer look at you.

 

Sherlock (to El Gato):  If you were attempt to describe your exact opposite, well done!  You have the face and frame of a distressed catcher's mitt.

 

 

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Joan: It smells like something died in here.

Sherlock: I hardly expect elephant dung to smell like potpourri. It is, in fact, highly sought after coffee produced by feeding arabica beans to pachyderms in northern Thailand and it has the potential to further reduce my need for sleep.

[sherlock offers a cup to Joan]

Joan: No thanks. I had poop for lunch.

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From "One Watson, One Holmes", Season 3 Episode 19:

 

Sherlock:  Friendship, I’ve come to believe, is most accurately defined as two people moving towards the best aspects of one another.  It is a relationship of mutual benefit, mutual gain.

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Watson: Marcus was here. I took a shower. Obviously we're secret lovers.

Holmes: I was mistaken. You don't know what my partner looks like naked.

Bell: Dummy groping isn't on the test!

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Joan: You're paying him?

Sherlock: Of course.

Joan: I thought all your helpers work for free.

Sherlock: No one is compensated in cash. In Mason's case, I allow him to sniff your hair while you're sleeping.

 

Mason: So why do you care? I'm just saying - he was a bad guy. Now he's dead. You should go see a movie or something.

 

Sherlock: I have one request. There are three surviving Holmes men, and you've sampled the carnal ways of one. Two would be a pattern.

 

Mason: Her real name is Fiona something but everybody calls her Mittens because she's really into cats. She's kind of weird.

Sherlock: Weird enough to have taken several lives last night?

Mason: She likes cats, so sure.

 

Mason: They asked me to come over and run her face through my home brewed facial recognition software.

Bell: Is anything this kid's doing legal?

Sherlock: Define legal.

 

Sherlock: You look uncomfortable. You're not a fan of this sort of establishment?

Bell: Guess I just know too much.

Sherlock: I've got a certain appreciation for strippers. I like watching them work. In their own way, they're experts in both deduction and human psychology. Observe how she's evaluating the pool of potential marks. Which patrons will yield the most money for the least effort? She's selected that man, likely because of his wristwatch which denotes a certain financial status. Now she's got to tailor her approach. Does he want a damsel in distress? Does he want a good time girl? Does he want a romantic lost soul? You and I are like well informed spectators at a magic show. We know the truth behind the illusion and for you that ruins the appeal, but I enjoy watching an expert practice sleight of hand even when I know what's up their sleeve.

Bell: You see any sleeves on these girls?

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Gerald Lydon:I hold 18 patents.  And I can do 11 pull-ups at age 58. 

Holmes: And I own exactly 16 forks.  I'm not entirely sure what we're supposed to be comparing

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04:09 Murder Ex Machina

 

Holmes: Do you think she is capable of murder?

 

Mason: Well, she likes cats...

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Watson: We really are living in a golden age for perverts.

 

Sherlock: What about Cyclone Joan? Joan of Bark. Joan Cold Killer, perhaps.

Watson: Would you stop it with the roller derby names for me?

Sherlock: Swatson.

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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04:11 Dead Where the Dead Delight

 

Holmes to Watson: A witness stated that attacker had long brown hair and breasts. You have both....or all three depending on your maths.

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Fiona: You're late.

Joan: Three minutes. I'm sorry.

Fiona: Because you were late, I started working on some code.

Joan: It's okay.

Fiona: Because I started now I need to finish.

Joan: I'll get some coffee.

Fiona: I'm finished.

 

Fiona: I have a new boss. His name is Greg Wakino. He might be a criminal.

Joan: What makes you think that?

Fiona: My last boss was a criminal.

 

Joan: You're finally making up for that childhood you never had - as a three year old girl.

Sherlock: I bought out a toy shop's entire stock of Sparkle Poodle Playhouse. The unicorns are the bikes. The train is the pool table. [picks up a pink poodle] This one is Nick, the leader. I think it captures the gestalt of a fearsome biker gang, don't you? [The computer] is the cupcake in the inner office.

Joan: Obviously.

 

Fiona: Thank you....Say, "You're welcome."
Joan: You're welcome.

 

Fiona: [sherlock] knew I liked cats so he thought I might like poems about them too. I didn't. You don't have to tell him that.

 

Joan: You like her.

Sherlock: Yes, I like Fiona: She's compulsively honest and she's congenitally unpretentious.

Joan: And pretty.

Sherlock: What are you getting at?

Joan: You like her, as in like like.

Sherlock: You're suggesting a romantic interest, more specifically you're suggesting a romantic interest in the vernacular of a prepubescent child.

Joan: This is the book you loaned her. She wanted me to give it back to you.

Sherlock: So?

Joan: So! Hundreds of books in the house. How many volumes of poetry? Zero. You bought it for her.

Sherlock: Bought it to lend it.

Joan: Right.

 

Fiona: Food is for new houses or babies but this is just pie for dessert. Wine is for dinner parties. Flowers can be lots of things depending on the color. These are yellow, multipurpose but not romantic. [Joan] can pick the gift she wants or have them all.

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Fiona: Thank you....Say, "You're welcome."

Joan: You're welcome.

 

I love this!  Fiona said it in such a tiny voice, like, "But, but... this is the pattern we're supposed to follow, you're not following the expected pattern, please follow the pattern... please??"

And Joan's tiny smile when she said "You're welcome" spoke volumes that she totally gets it.  Just... love.    

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Fiona: Food is for new houses or babies but this is just pie for dessert. Wine is for dinner parties. Flowers can be lots of things depending on the color. These are yellow, multipurpose but not romantic. [Joan] can pick the gift she wants or have them all.

Sherlock 's face throughout this (non)exchange was a thing of beauty. Absolutely no calculating, just silent assenting to each part as she went along. So cute.

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Sherlock: Identifying fungi is one of the host of skills a good detective should have.

 

Neighbor: You're the reason that I can't live in my own building. You're the reason that I can't keep tenants in there for more than six months at a time. I moved out because of you two. I couldn't take it anymore. The weird noises, the strange smells, the explosions, and the damn bees on the roof.

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Joan: Fascinating so far.

Sherlock: It is.

Joan: I was being sarcastic.

Sherlock: I'm aware.

 

Sherlock: As I expected, the rats, maggots, and other scavengers in this park have shown little interest in methamphetamine tainted meat.

 

[sherlock looks at a spiral shaped building drawing]

Sherlock: Your design, is it?

Busquet: It is.

Sherlock: Did straight lines hurt you as a child?

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Sherlock [as he and Joan walk into a very ordinary apartment of a super hero vigilante]: I imagine this is what it's like the first time walking into the Bat Cave.

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After Sherlock deduces the identity of a masked vigilante and asks him to remove his mask.
"How did you do that?"

"I was bit by a radioactive detective."

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04:18 Ready or Not

 

Fiona: Do you want to have sex?

Sherlock: I don't want to not have sex.

Edited by MaryHedwig.
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04:18 Ready or Not

 

Fiona: Do you want to have sex?

Sherlock: I don't want to not have sex.

For a man with as sharp a wit and quick with a turn of phrase as Sherlock, that sure came out clumsily, almost as if something else was preoccupying his mind.

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Best quote from 04.18 was Sherlock, upon being told that his father moved in certain circles, commenting that the ninth was his favorite this time of year.  Dante would certainly have had a field day with Morland.

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I thought it was more like this:

 

Fiona: Do you want to have sex?

Sherlock: I don't want to not have [mumble into F's mouth]....

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[mumble into F's mouth

 

[salacious and semi-explicit comment expunged]  LOL

But, yeah, that's what I heard too.

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Sherlock: How do you not hear [the neighbor having sex]?

Joan: Just lucky, I guess.

Sherlock: Perhaps it entered your mind unconsciously. Were your dreams filled with two flounders slapping together? A ketchup bottle being squeezed repeatedly while a nearby walrus issues a death rattle?

 

Joan: Don't.

Sherlock: Don't what?

Joan: Mess with [Trent]. I'm serious. No chainsaw art in study. No marching bands in the library.

 

Sherlock: There are two things you should know, Mr. Springer. First is that I'm going to punch you in the face. Second is that we'll take your case.

 

Sherlock: If you're keen on spending eternity buried alive with a group so narcissistic they think that outliving humanity is a good idea, I'd rather melt with the masses and get it over with.

 

Ronnie: I asked around about your father after you called. Don't know how I hadn't heard of him before. Impressive circles he moves in.

Sherlock: The ninth is his favorite at this time of year.

 

Sherlock: We're off the highway now. Rail crossing.

Joan: I have feeling in my butt too, you know.

 

Joan: I'm proud of you. What? I can't say that?

 

Ronnie: This was a NORAD communications center back in the 80s. Guaranteed nuclear survivability.

Sherlock: Tested it, have you?

 

Ronnie: The game room is here [in wing A]. The gym is in B. Wine cellar's in C. The gun vault is in D. But everyone has access to everything.

Sherlock: Of course. Wouldn't want to separate the wine from the guns.

 

Sherlock: Staller's inside. His skinny jeans make the odds of a concealed firearm quite slim.

 

Fiona: I think we should have sex now. Do you want to have sex now?

Sherlock: I don't not want to have-

Edited by ElectricBoogaloo.
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Joan: The smell in the kitchen nearly knocked me out. What have you got cooking in those pots?
Sherlock: Oh this and that. Black licorice, an old belt, a splash of feline urine.

 

Joan: You should be careful with that wrist. It could be broken.

Lin: No, it isn't.

Joan: You don't know that.

Lin: It's a sprain.

Joan: Are you a doctor?

Lin: Are you?

 

Joan: Did you know if Myroft was planning to move Diogenes?

Sherlock: I don't remember his birthday. As you know, I do my best to purge non-vital information. It clutters the mind.

Joan: Well, I think he would have told me something like that. We got pretty close before the NSA took him out of the country.

Sherlock: You were sex partners, not business partners.

 

Hobberkin: The government only does two things well - nothing and overreacting.

 

Sherlock: A grown man who goes by the name of Jimmer.

 

Sherlock: Impressive.

Bell: Creepy, more like it.

 

Lin: I was only gone like thirty seconds.

Sherlock: How long does it take you to screw in a light bulb?

 

Mateo: If you're going to keep incriminating evidence around, you really ought to put it in an air gap machine in the server room, right?

 

Joan: I reached out to your father yesterday. I asked him to get a message to Mycroft.

Sherlock: So you risked Mycroft's safety and indebted yourself to Morland Holmes.

 

Celik: How did you get this? My medical records are private, no?

Sherlock: This might shock you, but we didn't find a single ethical clerk in any of the three cheapest hair clinics in the city. It would cost more to purchase one of these hookahs than it did to buy all the files of their military aged male patients.

Celik: But that's illegal.

Sherlock: Completely.

 

Sherlock: No country wants an economy dependent on goat meat forever.

 

Bell: So this guy tips off other people's selfies, blows them up, and charges a hundred grand apiece? I'm surprised we're not investigating him.

 

Bell: There was a burglary here?

Hill: Do you see any art in these empty spaces?

Sherlock: One might argue there's no art in the occupied spaces either.

Hill: One might. In fact, I welcome it. See, argument creates awareness. And awareness drives sales.

 

Sherlock: I'd show you the crime scene photographs but you'd probably just recontextualize them.

 

Sherlock: You're drinking out of the bowl we use for Clyde's baths.

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