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Parenthood Quotes

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Camille: Your father's growing cucumbers.

Zeek: Gonna be pickling pretty soon.

Sarah: You know you can get those at the store.


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Kristina: Why did we found the school?

Max: To be a fascist institution.


Sydney: Who's Janis Joplin?

Crosby: Get out of my studio.


Adam: [Dad]'s a stubborn ass. Mom said he wouldn't even consider having the surgery.

Crosby: What surgery?

Adam: His heart surgery! To correct his mitral regurgitation!

Crosby: You're saying that like I know what it is!


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Camille: She said some of the rooms at the hospital have beautiful views of the courtyard.

Zeke: Really? Oh, boy. Doesn't that sounds exciting? We can watch the squirrels fornicate. That'll be a hoot.


Zeke: [The surgery] has a 96% success rate so that's like batting 900.


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Zeke: The fastest grandkid gets an incredible prize.

Jasmine: The last grandkid prize was a Pontiac so I hope you have a good one for this.


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Max: This picture of a horse tells me that [Dylan] likes pictures and also that she likes horses.


Crosby: Okay, you've got four bases, right? Home, first, second, third. First base - kissy kissy.

Adam: Maybe hold hands.

Crosby: Second base - touchy touchy.

Adam: Maybe arm around the shoulder.

Crosby: Third base - feely feely, a little more kissy kissy down south.

Adam: Maybe a kiss on the cheek.

Crosby: And then home, here comes little Max in a baby carriage.

Adam: Just watching tv together on the sofa.

Crosby: You can do that on the sofa, yeah.


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Crosby: I could kiss you.

Joel: No one's stopping you.


Hank: That's probably why-

Sarah: We should be vegetarians.

Hank: We should get married.


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Hank: I was just a kid.

Max: You were not a kid in your twenties. You were an adult.

Hank: I thought I was, that's for sure. But no, I was a kid.


Max: This is not from the 1987 Berkeley College parents' weekend. My aunt Sarah did not go to Berkeley College nor did she go to any college at all. According to my dad, she made a series of poor decisions in her twenties.

Hank: I could think of a whole lot of things that [sarah] does that annoy me.

Max: So can I. Example: she talks too much.

Hank: Yeah, she does. She does, right? That's a very good point. She talks a lot.

Max: Far too loud and far too often.


Camille: Do you love him?
Sarah: Yeah.

Camille: Does he make you happy?

Sarah: Yeah.

Camille: Well, what else is there?


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Max: What are you doing?

Adam: Posing for your picture.

Max: No. I am documenting career week, not taking selfies.


Crosby: The day that my eldest brother stabbed me with a Swiss Army knife.

Adam: You stabbed yourself in the neck.

Crosby: Oh yeah. That happens a lot.


Zeke: There's just so much yelling.


Max: Statistics are neither stupid nor smart. They're only accurate.


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Joel: "I was up last night thinking: she's Victor's sister. She's already ours."


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