Aloha Buddy recap! Whitney hates to fly. "My feet have been known to swell to UNREAL proportions." Her WHOLE BODY has unreal proportions, but anyway. They pull up to the product-placed hotel in their product-placed rental cars and are we really supposed to believe Glenn is paying for this? I just thank god we missed Whitney's braying about "getting lei'd" at the airport, because you KNOW that shit happened. Whitney whines that she doesn't want to get up early and work out, and her friends look horrified by her belligerence on this free Hawaiian vacation. Whitney is given a two-bedroom suite because the hotel wants to show off their shit. She screams bloody murder when she sees the 2nd bedroom. Grow up. Tal and Todd are appropriately grateful for their room even though they have to share a bed. Whitney talks about how Buddy isn't there yet and he will hopefully get a sober coach and boy she sure hopes he shows up so Whitney can draw on his strength because it is all. About. Whitney. To emphasize my point, she cuddles up against Donna and falls asleep even though there is a SECOND FUCKING BEDROOM.
Whitney and Glenn walk on the beach and Whitney is wearing appropriate footwear for once, but she is still complaining that she has plantar fasciitis and wishes the 5K were earlier in the week so she could get it over with, even though earlier she whined about needing to work out "right after arriving." Moron. Glenn hires a tour guide and this room full of thirsty-ass bitches can't keep from sexually harassing him immediately. The guide lets it slip that the Coconut Chase is an 8K, which results in a super dramatic commercial-break cliffhanger because god forbid this bitch be forced to walk about 1.9 miles farther than anticipated.
Whitney is so upset that her dad didn't tell her in advance because...she would have quit? Her odds of quitting are exactly the same, to be honest. Whitney feels bamboozled. Whatever. They watch ripped Hawaiian men dance and Whitney drools over their "washboard abs," because she is incredibly hypocritical. Babs is smart enough to go sit in the shade by herself and sip pina coladas while the others snorkel. Whitney is terrified of waves. There are barely any waves in this water. We are treated to grotesque shots of Whitney blubberously floating in her ugly bikini bottoms while clinging to these poor buff men, and she finds and holds a sea cucumber, which starts to go limp when she holds it. That probably happens to Whitney a LOT. Glenn tells Whitney to just TRY the goddamn 8K and see what happens. Great advice, Glenn. We'll see how much Whit complains now.
The gang gets a surfing lesson on the beach and my god, Whitney's legs are awful. Yeah, lots of women have ugly legs, but most ugly-legged women aren't in hideous bikini bottoms on a high-definition TV show. Whitney whines and screams about how terrified she is and how narrow the surfboard is even though that is CLEARLY an extra-wide surfboard. She is so unathletic that she is having difficulty *laying down* on a surfboard while doing *nothing* navigation-wise. After a fucking lot of whining and build-up (this is the longest scene ever), she finally rides a wave back to shore, screaming like an obese banshee the whole way. Just when you think she couldn't get more annoying, Whitney goes "hold my frappuccino" and tops herself again.
After Whitney becomes a world champion surfer, she spots Buddy just up the beach, takes her shirt off, and sprints at a breakneck pace of 1.6 MPH to give him a hug. Whitney and her back rolls flop onto the sand to talk to Buddy, who looks great and sounds coherent. He brought a sober coach who is smart enough to stay off camera. Whitney complains to a man who just kicked a cocaine addiction that walking an 8K will be extremely hard to do. *cough.* Buddy says, make a note of this for next week, "even if we CRAWL, that's only like 2 hours, no big deal." (Spoiler: it takes Whitney about 2.5 hours to walk what ends up being only 4 miles.) Whitney cries to Buddy that she would have done something if she had known he was an addict, because it's ALL ABOUT HER. She says it takes a weight off her shoulders (snerk) to apologize for letting him down.
Later at a cafe, Babs is obsessing about Glenn's ex-girlfriend from 50 years ago, which is so fucking bizarre and out of nowhere that I had to mention it in this recap. Whitney, meanwhile, is still obsessing about how evil it is that she has to participate in an 8K fun run. She is SO UPSET, you guys. It would really kill her to put a tiny bit of effort into something, wouldn't it? She claims she was bribed and she had no choice. Bitch, you could have said "no, I won't go to Hawaii then, have fun." She claims it's unfair that nobody else was required to do this race and that it's just because she's fat. Again, Glenn did not hold a gun to her head. This is so beyond ridiculous. In four seasons, Whitney has never been such a petulant brat as she is in this episode. Next week, we see absolute histrionics from a grown woman who is being forced, FORCED, I say, to do moderate exercise in a beautiful vacation paradise. Stay tuned?